Tuesday, October 25

29 Days Later.

So today has been kind of a bipolar day for me.  I've cried twice, I think, and laughed and gotten bored and  hopeful.  I don't know, I think it's because tomorrow will mark a month since my mom's passing.  I still feel like when I get out of school or work like I need to rush home or (skilled nursing facility) to tell her all the crazy stories but I don't.  I miss her.  A LOT.  I'm overwhelmed with all the added things that come when someone passes, bills, titles, payments, insurance, address change, etc. I miss her laugh, I miss the way she would make me feel better within minutes, I miss her positivity, I miss everything about her.

I sometimes find myself having flashbacks of the day it happened, especially the minutes before.  Monday, September 26, 2011 at around 10:10 things started going downhill FAST.  It's like when I stop thinking my brain jumps into that mode and it makes me upset because it happened in the past, it's done, it's over.  Nothing I experience will ever be as bad as what I've gone through.  I don't know, I'm doing well, I am but I'm just done with having all these flashbacks.  Of all the times she went to the hospital, of all the times she was in pain, of all the times I thought I was going to lose her.  I'm done.  I guess this is just a plea to my brain to stop going there.  STOP. I want to be okay again.

I don't feel her anymore.  I don't feel like she's with me anymore (spiritually) and it bothers me because I know she is.  I know she is watching me but I just don't feel her.

I guess this is what one would call a sucky day.  Tomorrow I will begin my Writing for the Media blogging about healing, about trying new things and starting new.  I will write about that for 5 weeks so be prepared for more intellectual writing from Amy.  I will probably number them or put a star to identify them from these types of posts.

Well guys, thanks for hearing me out, again, or reading I guess, let's hope tomorrow will be a better day. It should be because Country Western Dance has been especially fun lately!

Please pray for my co-worker's mom, thank you!


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