Growing Inspiration

I've been meaning to blog for a very long time but things keep getting in the way. So here are just a few things that have occurred that haven't been mentioned are very worthy to be put in this blog.

I have now officially closed my old bank account.

Can you say "grown up"?

I had switched to Chase but needed to get stuff settled with my older bank

I had been using this old bank since I was about 16 years old and it was bittersweet to close that account when it feels like yesterday I was there with my mom and my aunt.

I have to admit though, it was nice to switch to Chase and start new. It felt amazing.

Mickey and I attended a gala at our university for our Comm Arts dept!

I assisted with several things, it was insane but in the end, it was wonderful!

Mickey has a job with the radio station on campus!! So proud of my talented man!

I helped set up this promotion event with one of our local tv stations! :)

Just a few Comm Arts peeps!

I got a full-length picture of what I wore! (Which was the same outfit I wore for Valentine's Day!) Hoorah! A picture was taken! And yes, I'm an outfit repeater. Lizzie McGuire and I share that. ;)

Also, I've come to the conclusion that because my college career is nearing it's end [Yikes], I'm starting to feel overwhelmed and pressured about my future. I had mentioned it a while ago but I feel like I haven't found my niche. Lately, I've been seeing lots of talented individuals go on to further their careers by enrolling in grad school and doing so much. 

I hate to admit it but I compare myself to people and I sometimes feel like I'm not doing enough. Like, I'm not where I think I should be. Granted, I shouldn't beat myself up but I can't just keep thinking this without doing something. 

So, I know that my schedule is crazy busy but I have consciously started to make an effort to be better at everything. To improve on everything. I'm going to try harder and harder because I know what I want for my future and I know that it'll take work but it will be so worth it. 

I found this quote that I absolutely fell in love with by Maya Angelou.

"I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. 
 Life's a *itch.  You've got to go out and kick a**."

I mean, dang! Ain't that the truth. I want to be THAT girl. 

Tomorrow's schedule:
{class}
{Sports broadcast-Yours truly is one of the anchors!}
{Big Law and the Media test...dun dun dun.}

And come thursday evening...
spring break. spring break. spring break. 
!!!!!

Excitement awaits. 

Only.ONE.More.Year.

My beautiful campus! 

Guys, I'm gonna graduate from college in year.  Hold the phone. I know. A year! That's like, nothing! I'm so excited.  I want to find a good job that I can start out with and begin getting paid for what I like to do! Aaah! Anyway, back to the present, I will recap my classes and how I did. I AM SO GLAD TO BE DONE WITH FINALS AND MY 6TH SEMESTER OF COLLEGE!! :D

THIS is what I thought about these classes at the beginning of the semester.

Aesthetics of Vision and Sound
-It was a fun class!
-We watched two foreign films and Pride and Prejudice near the end of the semester which I LOVED!
-I learned a tremendous amount of stuff in that class! Simply amazing!
-I'll be taking a class from this teacher again next semester, it's called Writing the Script! Holy cow! I know. I'm pumped!

Speech
-Honestly? A weird class, so I'm glad it's over.
-I met cool people and got to give fun speeches, so I did learn but...still. :)

Intermediate Acting
-Amazing class.
-Tougher than I thought, different teaching methods.
-Hard grader :(
-Impersonation assignment=brilliant.
-Final scene was stressful.  I'm such an overthinker.

I love my school. #nerdalert

{I already got assignments for Advanced Acting next semester! Heck yes! :) This class will be taught with my Acting in Everyday Life and Beginning Acting teacher.  Yepee!}

Theories of Communication
-Easy!
-Learned some stuff! :)

Social Media
-Learned A LOT!
-Fun class and classmates! :)

So that's my review of the classes! Hope y'all enjoyed!
I will be blogging shortly about a 48-Hour Film Experience I participated in!


P.S. I'm making changes to my blog so stay tuned! :)



On a serious note, I also wanted to send thoughts and prayers out to the victims of the horrible shooting in Newtown, CT.  It's absolutely heartbreaking and I just pray to God that everything gets better and that he comforts those in mourning.

The Memory of Steel Magnolias

So this blog post title is an amalgamation of The Memory of Water (my favorite play) and Steel Magnolias.  :)

Here's the story:

So last fall I was in search of a monologue that would really be good for me.  I was taking my Beginning Acting class and we needed to have a monologue and so I began the search.  I found one but it wasn't up to par with what I had hoped for.  I went and took a trip to my Beginning Acting teacher's office and asked him for his help.  He came up with a few options.  Three Days of Rain, Steel Magnolias and The Memory of Water.  He had a copy of The Memory of Water and felt that was the best one for me.  I read it so fast, it was so interesting and I could relate to it so well! If you know me, you know I'm not a fan of reading, I know, it's sad, so reading this play so fast was a sign of how much I loved it.  It's about sisters dealing with their mother's death.  But guys, it's so much better than that! Anyway, I did it for my monologue and it went very well. I absolutely loved it and still have the copy of the monologue I made.  

"What is it with men?  I mean, I don’t have a problem with men or anything.  I love men.  I’ve been to bed with seventy-eight of them, I counted, so obviously there’s not a problem or anything, it’s just he didn’t even apologise or anything and how can he say on the phone he doesn’t want to see me anymore?  I mean, why now?  Why couldn’t he have waited?  I don’t know what to do, why does it always go wrong?  I don’t want to be on my own, I’m not that sort of person, and I can’t do it.  I did everything for him, I was patient and all the things you’re supposed to be and people kept saying don’t accept this from him, don’t accept that, like, you know, when he stayed out all night, not very often, I mean once or twice, and everyone said to tell him to **** off but how could I because what if he did?  Because they all do, everyone I’ve ever met does, they all disappear and I don’t know if it’s me or what.  I don’t want to be on my own, I can’t stand it, I know it’s suppose to be great but I don’t think it is.  I can’t help it, it’s no good pretending, it’s ******* lonely and I can’t bear it. "

So, guys, y'all won't believe it but my university is doing The Memory of Water in the Spring!!! So, I had it in my heart to audition.  So, here I go, auditioning for only the second time at my university. I think I've improved enough and I'm so glad to have this opportunity. December 5th 9:20pm! Wish me luck. 

Here's the other story:

I picked a M'Lynn's monologue about Shelby from Steel Magnolias.  I am undecided between two but I believe I'm going to chose this one. I absolutely love Steel Magnolias even though it makes me cry.  I remember watching it for the second time when my mom was in hospice and I surprised myself by not crying.  As a young southern gal, I feel a strong connection with these ladies and I feel doing this monologue will be absolutely wonderful.  I have so many memories of watching this movie with my mom and I know that this is a really good choice for a monologue.  So, wish me luck as I begin memorizing lines.  I'll update y'all on other things about theatre soon! :)

"No.  I couldn’t leave my Shelby.  It’s interesting.  Both the boys were very difficult births.  I almost died when Jonothan was born.  Very difficult births.  Shelby was a breeze.  I could’ve gone home that afternoon I had her.  I was thinking about that as I sat next to Shelby while she was in the coma.  I would work her legs and arms to keep the circulation going.  I told the ICU nurse we were doing our Jane Fonda.  I stayed there.  I kept pushing…….just like I always did where Shelby was concerned……..hoping she’d sit up and argue with me.  But finally we realised that there was no hope.  At that point I panicked.  I was very afraid that I would not survive the next few minutes while they turned off the machines.  Drum couldn’t take it.  He left.  Jackson couldn’t take it.  He left.  It struck me as amusing.  Men are supposed to be made of steel or something.  But I could not leave.  I just sat there…..holding Shelby’s hand while the sounds got softer and the beeps got farther apart until all was quiet.  There was no noise, no tremble…..just peace.  I realised as a woman how lucky I was.  I was there when this wonderful person drifted into my life and I was there when she drifted out.  It was the most precious moment of my life." 

1 whole year. ♥

To say that it's been a year since my mom passed away feels like a nightmare.  I honestly intended to fall asleep way before right now, almost 4 o'clock in the morning.  I'm proud of how far I've come you know? I've learned to drive on highways, I've flown on my own, I have two jobs and go to school.  I pay my own bills, I do things on my own.  To say it's been a year is an accomplishment for me.  Yet, there is that overwhelming sadness that I feel just thinking that it in fact has been a whole year since my mom passed away.  A whole year.  365 days.  It's been 365 days since I held her hand and hugged her and it's been even longer since I last talked with her and laughed with her.

I still don't understand why she's gone.  I don't understand why she even got the disease in the first place.  Selfishly speaking, I was only 19, I was an only child, I don't really have a dad (biologically speaking, duh but he's not even in the picture), I don't have the whole package you're supposed to have when your mom dies.  You're supposed to be married, have kids, have a career.  She's supposed to be a grandmother, she's supposed to spoil your kids.  Tell you advice on how to raise them and in my case she was going to be there to walk me down the aisle.

I know that once today passes (and the 29th, the day of the viewing), things will kind of go back to normal but for the time being, I guess being a big ball of emotions is understandable.  Wanting to cry and scream is part of the package that comes with the 1 year mark.  I guess I was hoping today wouldn't be such a hard day and that's why I've been trying to avoid thinking about it but truth is, there's no avoiding today.  Ever.

I started getting body aches this past weekend and they've been coming and going.  I took ibuprofen earlier and, if you know me, you know I hate taking meds unless I absolutely need to.  My eyes were tired and felt like I had been crying for days.  I don't know if it's my body realizing it's been a year or what.  They're not allergies because those would be consistent.  All I know is one thing: I'm still alive and that's something.  I had my mom for 19 wonderful years and I'm blessed that I was fortunate enough to be chosen to be her daughter.  No matter how angry I get because older adults have their parents, I must realize that my darling mother was special enough to go to heaven sooner, a VIP I guess you could say.

No, this doesn't mean I hate the world or people whose parents are still alive, on the contrary, I feel happy for them because I know how precious that time is.  This also doesn't mean that I'm depressed and down in the dumps, I mean, I am my mother's daughter, heck, we were born tough! I guess it just means that today will be one of those harder days.  Today, is unfortunately, semi-chaotic as far as school goes but I know just need to focus on being strong and letting God take over.  I need to focus on what I have and who I have as opposed to who I don't have and what I don't have.  Count my blessings.

So here I go about to attempt to go to sleep and wake up in 5 hours to finish stuff.  I will pray my heart out for strength and for my mom to be with me as I face today, especially tonight.

Most importantly, I just wanted to say one last thing:

I love you mommy.

6 months. ❤

Before.

Mickey and I have been together for six months as of today! (9.18.12)!!! I cannot believe it's already been half a year.  Seriously, that just flew by! So to celebrate we went to this fancy restaurant and stuffed our faces.  He had a hefty giftcard and we definitely did put it to good use.

Here's a summary of our wonderful experience at Fleming's:

-His first time eating calamari (he liked it!)
-Our first time eating filet minon! IT WAS SO FREAKISHLY GOOOOOOD!
-His first time eating lobster!
-His first time seeing the waiters "comb" the table for crumbs.

-AND MOST IMPORTANTLY... OUR FIRST TIME EATING CREME BRULEE!!!!


-Oh my goodness was it delicious or what!


So, here is a little information about us and how we got to where we are now.

We met in our Intro to Mass Comm class our first semester in college and we were kind of friends, we didn't have each other's numbers but we knew each other.  Second semester, we had a class together, Audio Production, when we exchanged numbers so if we needed to get a hold of one another we could.  We started becoming closer friends then.  That's when Mickey met my mom! It was awesome!
That summer 2011 we didn't talk too much although we began texting because I told him about my mom's health situation and our friendship just grew immensely.

Mickey ♥

During the fall of 2011, we had Video Production I together.  He helped me out with our first project, which was a countdown.  I did mine with gummy bears.  My mom got to see it and she loved it! During that semester, Mickey and I became even closer of friends.  That friday, September 16, he along with his girlfriend at the time and Katie, along with other very important people (Deidra and her family) were there for me during the hardest time. That's when Mickey saw my mom again.  That evening when they all came over to the hospital room, my mom basically told them to take care of me because this was going to be the most difficult thing I was going to have to face.  I feel Mickey has definitely done this.  

Mickey visited my mom and I at hospice.  At this time, my mom wasn't really conscious but I know deep down, she knew he was there.  He went a couple of times while we were there and it meant the world to me.  I mean, there I was.  Looking like a zombie, with hair all over the place, wearing scrubs and looking like poo and he was there for me.

When my mom passed away, he immediately asked me what he could do. He was there through it all, especially the day of the viewing.  I remember he got there early with Katie and they stayed there the entire day! He gave me hugs when I needed them and let me vent when I needed to.

After

After the viewing, through the healing process and my visits with Dr. Tucker, he stuck with me.  He never got annoyed by me or ignored me.  He let me cry my eyes out and then made me laugh.  He became my best friend.  The new year came and he was single and then, the rest, as you could say is history.  March 18, 2012 we got together! (A day after his mom's birthday) Yay! I know cheesy story right? But you have to admit it's one for the books.  I'm a lucky girl.  

So, that's a small little bit of my life I never really shared before! I hope y'all enjoyed this super positive post.  Here's to making this 19th (the day my mom went into hospice) an okay day. And here's to making the 26th an okay day as well.

Thank you Mickey for everything you ever did and for everything you continue to do.  These six months have been my most favorite and I look forward to everything that is to come! ;)

Numb.

One year ago today (Sept. 16, 2011) my mom and I were basically told she was dying.  We didn't know how long she had but we realized her time had become increasingly limited.  I won't go into the details of this because I feel writing it will only make certain things worse. Just know that I've already told one person pretty much exactly what happened.  Here's what happened today, 2012.

I went to work at Cracker Barrel and got a good amount of tips which helped me pay for gas and buy college-style groceries and even watch Finding Nemo on 3D, which leads me to my next point.

I remember watching Finding Nemo with my mom and her friend back from middle school in Mexico, I call her my Tia Lety.  Anway, we had gotten to the movie theatre a bit late and the only spots available were a bit scattered.  I sat next to my mom and my Tia Lety sat close-by kind of.  I remember really liking the movie but that's about it.  Today some of us went to watch it in 3D, throughout the movie, I kept getting random flashbacks of my mom and how she did anything and everything in her power to make me happy.  Not spoil me, but make me happy.  She would have swam the ocean if that meant finding me.  I don't know if any of this makes sense but it all just got too overwhelming when the movie finished.

I cannot exactly described what happened except that I was breathing heavily and my hands were tingly and felt kind of like they did when my mom and I were in the hospital when we were given the news.  Everything just gave me a big flashback of everything and it became too much.  We were there with two other people and I just basically needed to get out of the movie theatre.  Mickey was a definite help as I was having an emotional breakdown right outside.  Everything became so numb.  I guess these next 10 days are just another big bulletin board reminding me every second of every day that my mom isn't here anymore and it sucks, you know? I just hit a low today but I know things will get better.  I am my mother's daughter after all.

I remember all the times when I didn't think my mom and I could do it.  That we thought, how is this even possible? And then thinking, myself, once my mom passed how I could even get back to "normal" (whatever that was) again.  And here I am now.  God really does give his toughest battles to his toughest soldiers.  I know I can do this. I know I'm not alone and I know that the worst is behind me.  I know that although a year ago today, my world was changed, that doesn't mean that I won't eventually be okay.  I will be.  I will.  Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow.  But things will get better.  They will.  I just need to leave it up to God and trust in him and everything my mom ever taught me.

So, here I embark on the next 10 days as September 26 comes.  I can do this.  I can.  I'm my mother's daughter.

One more thing, I wanted to say thank you for all of those of you who went that friday, September 16, 2011 to the hospital.  It meant the world to have people there supporting us.  Also, thank you to all of those of you who prayed for us and helped us in any other way.  I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

And so it starts.

September has slowly become my least favorite month.  Here are a few reasons organized by date:

September 6, 2012: My aunt Estelle's mom passed away
September 11, 2001: We all know why.
September 14, 2010: My mom and I got in the car accident, leaving her with a fractured humerus
Friday, September 16, 2011: We were told her body was tired (we didn't know how long she had)
Sunday, September 18, 2011: Hospice came to the hospital to visit us
Monday, September 19, 2011: We moved into hospice & the last day my mom was fully conscious
Monday, September 26, 2011: My mom passed away

So, let the small venting begin.

Today (Sept 14) , two years ago was honestly a nightmare.  Here was what I wrote that night.  Here was what I wrote last year on that day, the last post before we found out about my mom's health deteriorating.  Finally, here is the post about when we got my (our) newer car, Anderson.

So, like I mentioned in that original post, that day was one of the worst days of my life.  I won't go into too much detail because I wanted to say how blessed I am.  Yes, today wasn't the easiest of days but I am so blessed to be alive.  Two years ago today, my mom and I experienced one of the worst things in our lives and we overcame it.  Today, I spent time with Mickey, went to work and spent time with my family (Aunt Mimi, Uncle Michael and David) and even met a few new people! I mean, seriously, how blessed am I?

Mickey and I are about to celebrate our 6 months this 18th of September and that's a big thing! He has been so supportive and helpful, especially this month and I'm so blessed to have met him back during our first semester in college.  I am even more thankful for him being there when my mom's health got worse.  He let me vent in Anderson and it was so very helpful.  So, Mickey, if you're reading this, because I think you are, I just wanted to say thank you, from the bottom of my heart for being there for me today.  I know that, together, we can get through this month.  <3 br="br" nbsp="nbsp"> I'm focusing on positivity and happiness and all the beautiful things life has to offer.  So please send good thoughts my way as I navigate the rest of this month.

Thank you.   

Worrywart.

Okay, so this isn't news to me but I worry. A LOT.  And well, Mickey has kindly pointed that I need to relax.  It's true.  I am always worrying.  The thing is that I over-think pretty much everything.  What if this happens? How will I be able to pay that? What if they don't let me do it? What ifs and Hows and Whys tend to run my life and I've been working on not stressing out about every single little thing! I mean, can you imagine how quickly that will age me?

See, when my mom was alive I worried about her all the time.  Most of the times it was the healthy kind of worry, you know because she was my mom and I loved/love her.  Other times it was the kind of knot-in-my-stomach-, clammy hands, can't-eat-can't-sleep kind of thing and that's when it wasn't good.  Trust me, this was the last thing my mom ever wanted for me.  But the truth is that when your mom is diagnosed with Stage IV Breast Cancer when you're 16, your priorities shift.  I still kept being my happy, bubbly self but in the back of my mind there was always that fear of losing her. Don't get me wrong, we had PLENTY of good times even after her diagnosis and such but I was still worried.

Credit: Mickey Martinez

Now, after her passing, my worries have shifted to being able to pay bills and life after college and not having enough money or time.  Overwhelming stress-ers for a 20-year old, don't you think? I mean, it's the same story, I work hard and I have fun but I'm still stressed.  And here is where the challenge begins: I NEED TO STOP WORRYING MY BUTT OFF.

Mickey has definitely helped me with that.  And well, today we went swing dancing at a burger joint! I know! It was as fun as it sounds! We do so many fun things together and this was a definite success for blowing off steam and de-stressing.  It was even a good way to exercise! Let's just say, it is truly a blessing to have Mickey in my life.  It's almost as if God and my mom were bringing us together to help each other out in life.  It's cheesy, I know, but I really do believe that.

So, with the help of Mickey, yours truly, will focus on not over-stressing, over-thinking, or worrying too much about stuff I am already working hard for.  Wish me luck!

Happy Labor Day! Happy Tuesday!

The College Life.

So I wanted to post a more thorough description of my classes I'm taking this semester so here it goes.  I'm a junior so some of these are upper level! What up! Haha.

ITALIAN II:
-We have a new teacher because the one we had moved to Washington state because her husband got a different kind of job there, so I miss her but this new teacher reminds me a bit of Liza Minelli which is super cool.
-She is from Milan!
-She'll sometimes just start talking a whole bunch in Italian which gets me happy because sometimes I can actually understand her! And plus, I feel it prepares me for the possibility of studying abroad in Rome.

CHOIR:
-I've had this teacher for three other semesters and he is amazing and fun! I love this class!
-We got these few pieces already and they are to die for! They are absolutely beautiful! Especially Hard Times by Stephen Foster (Arranged by Craig Hella Johnson) (Love his middle name-Hella!) Haha. I got chills the first time we sightread parts of it.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NMa1AkcDiyo
-We've got plenty of performances coming up so I'm excited.

MEDIA ETHICS:
-I had this teacher my first semester so it's nice to be in familiar territory, she's really nice and knows her stuff.
-This class is really making me think about so many things so it's nice.
-I know like three people in this class which makes it more fun.

WFTM:
-This is the incomplete that I got last semester (Writing for the Media) so I'm looking to get the Basic News Story done.
-I adore this teacher though! She's amazing! (Oh, she's from New York, btw.)

INTRO TO TECH PRODUCTION:
-Probably my least favorite class :(
-And it's just too bad because it's for my theatre minor.
-We are learning about tools and stuff like that, I'm not a big fan but I'm hoping this class gets better.
-P.S. It's difficult.

INTEGRATED LANGUAGE ARTS:
-I love this class!
-My professor has a British/Scottish accent! She's awesome and she's teaching my favorite subject.
-We are learning stuff I enjoy so it's wonderful.
-The class is taught as if we were all Education majors, which is interesting.
-We are going to go to read to 3rd graders!!! How amazing right? I'm excited!

VIDEO PRODUCTION II:
-I like this class, I had this professor last semester. He gave me my first (and hopefully only) B+ in college.  I hope this semester goes better.
-For our first project I'm going to the producer! We will be doing interviews!

So there they are but (and this is the best part)…

I FOUND OUT I LOVE ZUMBA!

-Katie and I took a class at school today and oh my goodness! I'm in love!

 Thank you so much Cassey for telling me about it! 

-If y'all haven't tried it you are missing out! It's so so so much fun!

- It's basically dancing like crazy for an hour! 

-Here's a clip of what zumba is (an example).  

-We didn't do it this hardcore but maybe the mix it up! I'm super stoked to keep 

doing this every Monday, I can't do it Wednesdays because of my Video

 Production II class but I'm pumped for Mondays!

My mom would be so happy for me.  LOVE YOU MOMMA!

{WFTM-last one!}: Wedding and Holiday event.

Well, I'm glad to be able to write to y'all this time because many wonderful and stressful things happened since Thursday, so I'm hoping this one will top all other WFTM posts.

First of all, trying new things.  This past Friday and Saturday I worked with the Chapel Coordinator and he is still kind of new so I was the one in charge of the entire rehearsal and most of the wedding.  My boss (Wedding Chapel Coordinator) was visiting her mom in Alabama (she's sick, please pray for her.) To start it off, the priest wasn't going to be able to go to the wedding rehearsal, so I ran the ENTIRE wedding rehearsal.  Yeah, that's right! It was amazing! I told people where to stand, when to start walking, when to sit down. EVERYTHING. I'm not the kind of person to tell people what to do out of pure fun so this was a big step for me.  I step up when no one else does, my mom used to call me the "silent leader" so this was huge for me. I was talking to at least 20 people and I wasn't freaking out!  I answered people's questions clearly and they came to me for clarifications! It was absolutely amazing.  Yes, there were plenty of bumps along the road but I am so proud of myself.

I know my mom would be so proud of me.  She would absolutely love that I'm trying new things, whether it be eating a PB&J sandwich, or being fully committed to a character and saying everything they say (even cuss words), to painting my nails a different color or making big life decisions.  My mom taught me to try new things, not to worry about the "ifs" in life and go for your goals and that is exactly what I'm planning on doing. 

Second: healing.  I had a little meltdown yesterday right before rehearsal for this one holiday event my university does to kick off the holiday season.  As the holidays get closer it might be more difficult to stay strong and not have a meltdown but that's when healing begins.  I just want to make sure to enjoy life and not focus on all the sucky moments my mom and I went through before.  She would want me to remember her by all the AWESOME, AMAZING AND WONDERFUL times we had together, and trust me, there were plenty.  I've learned that it's okay to cry but it's also okay to laugh.  There will be times when I just want to cry and there will be times when I just want to talk about nonsense. It doesn't mean I've forgotten her, it just means I'm healing.  My mom and I dealt with this disease for 3 years, 3 months and 22 days.  It's time we both have some fun and enjoy our lives.  Mine will be enjoyed here on earth until I see her in heaven once I'm old and wrinkly and hers will be enjoyed in heaven, having a blast with all our loved ones.    


Here are some wonderful quotes I found on www.pinterest.com! [Love this website].  They describe a lot of what I'm feeling and pretty much my outlook on things to come.  

Thank y'all for coming along this ride with me.   Now, to the next step: finals! Ahh! 

God Bless!

Change.

I will start with the not so wonderful news and then end with pretty nice things.

As I mentioned in earlier posts, my mom is in a skilled nursing facility.  Here's a quick summary of what's happened since I finished my first year in college:
 -May 8: Mother's Day. Mom is admitted into hospital at around 5am because she wasn't doing so well.  She had pneumonia, an infection, her platelets were weird, she had low red and white blood cells.  She stayed in the hospital until the 18th.  On the 16th, she tore a tendon on her right arm.
 -May 23: Two days before my birthday.  My mom fell and broke her right femur (thigh).  She was rushed to a different hospital than we're used to because they specialize in orthopaedic surgeries.  She had her surgery on May 25 (my birthday) and then on the 28th-ish she was transferred to our familiar hospital to get therapy. My mom was there until June 10 when she was transferred to this skilled nursing facility where she is getting therapy.

Here's the story: My mom was talking with the therapists here and (like her orthopaedic surgeon had said) they feel it isn't the best if she ever walked again.  She fell and broke her femur once because her bones are so weak, what will prevent it from happening again? This is all as a precautionary measure, we don't want her to break anything else, so it's best if she doesn't walk again.  I was out at this time and my mom just told me this. Now of course, I don't want my mom to break anything ever again but it's like "Wow, things have really changed." It just hit me, my mom's bones being so brittle is because of chemo and radiation. She was diagnosed June 4, 2008 and since then she's been constantly on something until now because of this whole broken bone thing.

1995

I guess what I'm trying to say is I miss when things were easier.  When my biggest worry was what I was going to wear to school or that one really hard test.  Now it's like, how is my mom going to get in the car? What's it going to be like when I go back to school? DNR or DR (because her bones are brittle)? Where do we move (because we need to, because we can't have steps in our apartments)? How are we going to pay for this? What is going to happen with everything? What is going to happen to my mom? What does our future look like? I try to take things one step at a time but sometimes it's like I'm drowning.  I just wish things were just like they were when I was in 5th grade or something.  Those days were easier.  I guess, it's just part of growing up.  You'd think I'd get used to this whole cancer situation since age 16 when my mom was diagnosed, but it just gets harder and harder.

Thank you for letting me let it out.
Now for the nicer news.

I mentioned that my Aunt Estelle gave us her Wii. Yesterday my mom and I played with it and it was really fun.  The bowling helps her left arm get stronger and I have been playing the boxing games (also on the Wii Fit Plus) which helps me get all my anger out. The Wii Fit also helps me get my energy out.

Also I start my PE class this coming weekend.  9am-12pm.  At least it'll help me get rid of all that grossness the hospital food gave me. ha.

Another thing!!! My mom's pain medication schedule is fixed!!! (I just found this out.)

I pray that everything gets just a tad bit easier and thank God for still having my mom here with me.  Please pray guys. Thank you.

Blessed and hopeful

Okay readers.  Things have drastically changed since I last blogged. Here's the summary because frankly, right now, I'm all about moving forward and improving from now on and I’m falling asleep but I felt like I really needed to blog because it’s been tooooooooooooo long.

So, Monday my mom fell and broker her right femur (upper thigh area), I was with her and so I called 911. Probably one of the worst experiences of my life.  I felt like I wanted to scream.  It's weird because this one lady and her son were looking at my mom and I told them "Please stop staring, she's my mom." Now that I look back on it, it's like "what the heck where you thinking Amy? They could have easily gotten violent on me, but thank God they didn't. So anyway, we got to the ER and the whole process was painful.  We were at a different hospital because of the opportunities available there for my mom. 

Anyway fast forward to Wednesday May 25…my mom is scheduled for surgery and it’s my 19^th birthday.  That day was definitely one of the worst days I’ve ever had in my life, except for the way it ended.  I won’t go into a great deal of depth but the surgery took twice as long as expected because basically, cancer got in the way of the rod that was going to be put in, so that was fixed but in the meantime I was having a meltdown in the waiting room.  I thought it was all over.  That’s why when I saw my mom, even completely asleep, I was so relieved and felt so blessed to see my mom alive and to be able to have her say “Happy Birthday” to me.  It’s crazy because I was born at 7:28pm and that was the time that I was REALLY falling apart.  Anyway, thank God that’s all over.

I am going to wrap this up because I’m falling asleep but I just wanted to update y’all.

So here’s a quick little list:

-My mom’s therapy has been challenging but she’s improving

-We don’t know how long she’ll be here (in rehab aka physical therapy)

-She’ll start chemo back up again once her scar and everything has healed which they are thinking might be about 4 weeks. (I pray it will be less)

-I know I’m missing a lot of stuff but I’m falling asleep because it’s been a very long day.

-P.S. Today was my first day out of training for my chapel job. (It went well)

-I’m staying with my mom in the hospital.

P.S. I got a tumblr because I thought it was something interesting I could do while in the hospital.  

soo here it is: www.acassandraz.tumblr.com

Here is the view from my mom's current room.

Please pray everything improves. 

I will try to write sooner.


Another thing, tomorrow is the third anniversary (I guess you could call it) since my mom's diagnosis.  Please pray she has many more years here with me.
Thank you.

Going to the Chapel

Okay so today was/is kind of a sucky day.  I have not mentioned this before but I got a job! I have been in training for 3 weeks now because this kind of a job is not a typical one.  Don't worry, it's nothing crazy, it's actually pretty amazing.  I will be an Assistant Wedding Coordinator (Chapel Staff) so I would only work on fridays and saturdays.  There is the Wedding Coordinator (Saundra, she is so nice and sweet) and then there would be me. There are no shifts, or fill ins, which makes this job a bit more difficult but trust me, these past weekends I've been in training have been amazing.

So I mentioned this before, but I have been looking for a job since 41293471923847 years ago, haha not really, but it's been a LONG time.  So I mentioned this to my mentor  (from this program that I'm a part of in college) so she told me that she had an idea.  She will be studying abroad in South Korea next semester, yeah, you read right, South Korea, isn't that amazing? Anyway, she won't be able to continue working at the chapel so she said that I could go and see what the job is like and that's when I fell in love, the job is amazing!

Basically, we help the couple with the wedding rehearsal and the actual wedding itself. We set up what they would need for traditions, help with getting the order of the procession ready so they can walk down the aisle, and so many more things.  The problem is that the hours are long on saturdays and kind of long on fridays and since my mom hasn't been feeling wonderful, especially because we just got back from the hospital, today was really rough.

I thought it would be okay, because fridays are shorter but it was tough.  It was also kind of sad because today I was watching the rehearsal for the second wedding and the couple's grandmothers were there walking down the aisle with no cane or anything, they were walking so well and they must be in their late 60s at least.  I know I shouldn't compare my life with others because it's different but it's like my mom is definitely not 60 and she needs a wheelchair to move most of the time, sometimes she'll use a walker and sometimes a cane (on a very good day) but it's like, I want my mom to be okay, I want her to get to point where she just needs a cane and that seems far right now because the pain in her bones from the cancer doesn't go away, it won't ever go away, that's why she takes the pain meds but they still don't completely take the pain away.

Another thing, seeing all these couples with their families really makes me hope that my mom will be there for my wedding.  Like I mentioned before, there is no padre in this family, it's just my mom and me.  On the 25th I will turn 19 and still be a ways away from getting married (there's no rush) but I pray to God that my mom will be here on Earth by my side to walk me down the aisle and then to be that grandma that spoils her grandchildren.  That's another thing, I never met my maternal grandma and I really wish I had because she raised my mom, the most amazing woman, so it's like it must have taken on heck of a momma to do that.  I hear stories of her and it's like I really wish I would have met her.

Don't get me wrong, I love this job, it takes me away from life's stresses, because it's like you see the beautiful part of life, getting married, you know? It's simply beautiful.  It's wonderful to see the excitement of the couple the day before and the day of the wedding, especially right after they've gotten married. It's amazing.

Just please keep praying guys that my mom will be here with me for a VERY LONG TIME.  She has an appt. with the oncologist on the 26th at 10:15 so we'll see what happens with this new change of chemo.

P.S. Here is the song "Going to the Chapel" by the Dixie Cups.  My mom used to drive us around to the beach when I was little and just to different nearby places and it's like everytime we traveled around that area this song used to play so I knew this song by heart.  I still love it and it makes me think of my childhood, so enjoy!

Until next time.

Scary Doctor, Wonderful Nurses + Techs and Getting Home

In my last blog post I let it all out and I wanted to update y'all on the craziness that has been happening these past 10 days.  So...here it goes:

I wrote the last post in the wee hours of the morning of Mother's Day (8th) because my mom wasn't doing so well and I was really scared and sad.  A few hours after I blogged my mom was seriously going downhill, I won't go into the details but it was BAD, so we called my aunt and uncle to see what we should do.  My aunt is a nurse so she has that kind of medical input.  So (btw sorry for the weird blog kind of grammar) we all decided that going to the hospital was the right decision but that the ambulance would be a better idea. We got to the hospital and everything was like in fast forward.  I was telling docs and nurses about my mom's medications, her symptoms and anything and everything they asked about.  (My mom at this time was getting poked and a whole lot of other things done to her so she was a bit busy) So anyway...she ended up going to the ICU because her BP was a bit low and this is where the first part of the title of my blog comes in.

Transfusion again, views from the right and left side of ICU room.

Once my mom got to the ICU she met her ICU doctor (aka scary doctor).  See the thing is, and I've mentioned this before, it's just my mom and me, so whenever there are big blobs of information we are usually both aware of what's going on, but this time it was like the scary doctor just wanted to talk to my mom, so I respected that but I could still overhear what he was asking her.  Again, I won't go into detail but let's just say these questions where "the worst case scenario" but he was super blunt.  Anyway, I don't want to spend too much time talking about this but you get the idea, this mature (old), 6ft tall doctor was talking to my mom (my little tiny 5ft tall momma) so of course I was scared that maybe she needed somebody else there. Oh and another thing, because of his height every single time he talked with my mom he elevated her hospital bed so he wouldn't have to bed over, and this really bothered me because as I mentioned, he was a GIANT! So yeah, my mom had pneumonia, so of course she had trouble breathing, her platelets were out of whack, her red and white blood cell counts were super low, so she needed a transfusion (she got 3 units), she had an infection and so she needed antibiotics and steroids and breathing treatments.  While in the ICU anybody visiting her needed to wear these blue robe things and gloves and since I had that ugly cough/bronchitis/upper respiratory infection to still get rid of I also wore a mask.  I know, insane.  She was in the ICU for 2 days and I couldn't stay overnight so Day 1 I stayed with my aunt and uncle and I went to bed at like 9pm, just like a baby.  Day 2 I stayed at home alone because I wanted to get stuff ready at home for when my mom came home.  The nurses were really nice and attentive in the ICU so I knew that my mom would be in good hands, but it certainly did not make it any easier to leave her the way she was.  It was hard enough to leave to get lunch and dinner, I basically inhaled the hospital food.  Then, Day 3 came, she was moved to the 3rd floor, so bye bye ICU!

While they were transferring her to the 3rd floor they said I could head on over to her room (307) because she was getting a chest X-Ray so I sat there and it was like a flashback of the last time she was in the hospital overnight like this.  In 2008, when she was diagnosed we stayed in the hospital for two weeks and there was a little of a deja vu feeling this time. When I was heading to my mom's room I kept seeing hearts everywhere, it wasn't like Valentine's hearts but like pictures of biological hearts and then I read "3 West Telemetry" and then of course I started freaking out but I just kept thinking that she must be better because she was out of the ICU. So I talked with the nurse to just update him on my mom's situation and then she came and that's when things got better but harder.  Better: I could stay overnight at the hospital! Harder: My mom didn't have a nurse for just her so when she needed something it was harder to get help right away but we managed.  My mom still talked with the scary doctor and now we talked with her endocrinologist more and oncologist and now she had a pulmonologist.  

The view from 307 during the day and night. (It looked much prettier than this)

I will summarize Days 4-10 because there was a whole lot of stuff going on.

-My mom's lungs started getting clearer to the surprise of the pessimistic scary doctor.

-She started getting physical therapy to regain her strength.

-She got antibiotics, steroids, and stuff like that.

-She started eating more as she started feeling better.

-We watched tv together, which was nice.  When people interrupted us watching Grey's Anatomy we decided to just watch it online, just like with America's Next Top Model.  :) (Again, tv to the rescue)

-I got asked about 2345324590 times how old I was and about the same number of times I got the response "oh wow, you look so young" which I love.  :)

-I ate hospital food, which was pretty bad but a couple of days I had the guest trays and yesterday and today I had two meals that were pretty good.

-My mom got breathing treatments to increase her lung capacity and oxygen.  

-The nurses and techs (and physical therapists) were so nice and sweet.

-Some of the nurses and techs told me I would be a good nurse and if I wanted to be one, to which I just laughed a "yeah right" kind of laugh, because it's true, I don't want to be, television producing is where it's at! :) haha.

Room 307, 3West (It reminded me of Grey's Anatomy because of the "west" part--Seattle Grace Mercy West, haha)

-We talked with social workers and such because my mom still wants to get her will situation fixed so it's something that is not in our minds anymore.  

-Scary doctor kept on getting on my nerves more and more because he made my mom more stressed and looked at everything negatively.  

-Everybody else was really nice. 

-Oh the reason she was on the 3rd floor was because they just wanted to monitor her heart but her corazon is good.

-We will be getting some people to come help my mom with physical therapy.

-We met this Pastor (that has been praying for us) and he was really nice, we then later met his family they were really nice and they got us bibles! 

-I am probably missing stuff, but I think these are the most important things, besides this post is super long (sorry, I just wanted to let it all out). 

-Anyway, we are home now, thank you God.  Now we begin the process of starting a new chemo, well actually my mom does because I don't get it, but she does, but now we are just praying that this new chemo that she'll be getting (because this last one really knocked her down) will work for a long time. 

Left: My mom's last meal in hospital (I had something similar and it was surprisingly good--one of my favorites from the hospital) Right: What I slept on for 8 days. Whoohoo, no more of that! :)

-Oh! My birthday is the technically 6 days away (bc it's after midnight on the 18th).  It's insane, I still feel  like I'm 16, or 17, and now I'm already going to turn 19.  Crazy.

Well, I think that's it for now.  Please keep praying guys! Thank y'all!

Love 'em

Okay so today is a pretty good day, so I wanted to write a happier post today.  So I have recently found some television shows that totally lift my spirits and here they are:

I have watched I Love Lucy plenty of times before but lately it has been extra funny to watch.  Hilarious! I recommend watching this when you feel down because it made my mom and I laugh a lot! :)

Another show that I have recently found very interesting is One Born Every Minute.  I know what you're thinking, watching babies being born, that's weird. The thing is that it is so beautiful to watch a new life being born and plus it is super funny to watch the father of the baby in this whole scenario.  It is also really adorable to watch babies. :)

There is also Coming Home, a show I just recently saw, it is about surprising families with the arrival of their loved one, a soldier.  It is so amazing! It really pulls your heartstrings.   This one is definitely a tear-jerker.  

Finally, Seriously Funny Kids.  This show is just so adorable because the kids in it are funny! Heidi Klum is funny as well. :)

Oh! HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY!