Rockin' Birthday in Heaven!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR MOMMY! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! 

ESTAS SON LAS MANANITAS QUE CANTABA EL REY DAVID.  HOY POR SER DIA DE TU SANTO TE LAS CANTAMOS A TI.  DESPIERTA MAMI DESPIERTA, MIRA QUE YA AMANECIO. YA LOS PAJARITOS CANTAN LA LUNA YA SE METIO. 

(Sorry for the lack of tildes and accents)

Happy Birthday Mommy! 

I hope this birthday is freaking fantastic! As you know, there have been plenty of things going on.  Some good, some really stressful but I think I'm still doing well.  I registered for classes for the last time (undergraduate)! I remember registering the first time at home and not knowing anything about it and now, thanks to your help and God's, here I am, about to graduate in about 224 days! 

I can't begin to thank you for everything you ever did for me.  I won't go into detail because that would go on forever but just know that everything was appreciated.  I loved spending all those birthdays with you and celebrating them like we did.  I know you must be having a blast in heaven, now that you've been there for a while, and once again, say hi to everyone for me and also to any famous people.  I know you must have found Gypsy, she missed you.  I hope there's plenty of good food and fun. 

 Have fun baby, I'll be okay today.  Don't worry. 

 I'll be occupied and surrounded my love.  

PS Thank you [and God] for Mickey.  I'm so glad y'all met.  

Love, 

forever your daughter, 

Amy

Some stuff I learned from you ❤

How to be loving

How to be fearless

How to be the most amazing mother

How to enjoy life

What love is

How to live

How beautiful one's soul can be 

& so many more it would take me forever to write out. 

Stunning young woman.  

She knew early on how to make me smile and laugh. 

She is my role model.  

Happy Birthday baby! Have a rockin' birthday in heaven! 

I LOVE YOU!

Volare. I believe I can fly.

     It is with a heavy heart that I tell y'all these news.  I will not be studying abroad in Rome during Spring 2013.  After much consideration and crying, it is a better option to not go.  As y'all remember from my first post about studying abroad, I was pumped about it.  This was way back in December 2011.  My Italian teacher suggested I go during the spring because the weather is nicer, so I began looking into it after being apprehensive about it.
     I told my friends about it and Mickey became interested in the idea as well.  I took on a second job at Cracker Barrel to save money and to still be able to pay the bills.  At the beginning of this semester, Mickey and I went and visited Alanna and we continued the process of applying to study abroad.  Everything was fine but slowly we started realizing that, financially, this would be something very difficult.  I had money saved up to pay bills while away but my concern was about my return to the U.S. and internships and everything.  Paying for the plane ticket and passports and additional expenses were also of concern.
    After obstacle after obstacle, Mickey and I still kept persevering through and tried to figure out ways to work with them (obstacles) but then the biggest one came.  If we stayed here in the U.S. we could graduate in December 2013.  If we would go, we wouldn't graduate 'til at least Spring 2014, if not later, as some classes aren't offered every semester.  My biggest worry is that I need to graduate and get a job soon so I can start living independently. I'll be turning 21 in 175 days and as I get older I want to make sure I can get in the business and work my way up ASAP.  I will start almost anywhere. I just want to get there and do it.

     I would have loved to study abroad in Rome and learn the Italian language more but I feel that it's not God's plan for us now.  Ironically, today I found out I received the Gilman Scholarship, it's a study abroad scholarship Mickey and I had applied for a while back.  I'm not gonna lie, declining that scholarship was one of the harder things I've had to do in college. We were both extremely sad to not be able to do this but realize that everything happens for a reason, so here are the opportunities available for us here!

1. Mickey is Vice-President of To Write Love on Her Arms at our university! Congrats babe!
2. I can audition for The Memory of Water and even if I don't get in, I'll have added experience.
3. I can cut down on the amount of time I work at Cracker Barrel. (I'll tell y'all more about that another time).
4. I can volunteer here and put in my application for graduation in January.

I must have God's side hurting from all the laughing.  Haha.  

5. We can possibly continue Off Broadway!
6. I can not be as restricted financially!
7. We get amazing classes here!
8. We can graduate in December 2013 (God willing).
9. We won't miss all those spring holidays with loved ones.
10. I can continue participating in events with Catholic Daughters, TWLOHA and maybe if our Associated for Women in Communications organization grows on campus, I can be an officer!

Yes.  I'm very sad that this didn't work out but I know that God and my mom have bigger plans for me.  This just wasn't meant to be, not now.  So, wish us luck as we finish this semester strong!

1 whole year. ♥

To say that it's been a year since my mom passed away feels like a nightmare.  I honestly intended to fall asleep way before right now, almost 4 o'clock in the morning.  I'm proud of how far I've come you know? I've learned to drive on highways, I've flown on my own, I have two jobs and go to school.  I pay my own bills, I do things on my own.  To say it's been a year is an accomplishment for me.  Yet, there is that overwhelming sadness that I feel just thinking that it in fact has been a whole year since my mom passed away.  A whole year.  365 days.  It's been 365 days since I held her hand and hugged her and it's been even longer since I last talked with her and laughed with her.

I still don't understand why she's gone.  I don't understand why she even got the disease in the first place.  Selfishly speaking, I was only 19, I was an only child, I don't really have a dad (biologically speaking, duh but he's not even in the picture), I don't have the whole package you're supposed to have when your mom dies.  You're supposed to be married, have kids, have a career.  She's supposed to be a grandmother, she's supposed to spoil your kids.  Tell you advice on how to raise them and in my case she was going to be there to walk me down the aisle.

I know that once today passes (and the 29th, the day of the viewing), things will kind of go back to normal but for the time being, I guess being a big ball of emotions is understandable.  Wanting to cry and scream is part of the package that comes with the 1 year mark.  I guess I was hoping today wouldn't be such a hard day and that's why I've been trying to avoid thinking about it but truth is, there's no avoiding today.  Ever.

I started getting body aches this past weekend and they've been coming and going.  I took ibuprofen earlier and, if you know me, you know I hate taking meds unless I absolutely need to.  My eyes were tired and felt like I had been crying for days.  I don't know if it's my body realizing it's been a year or what.  They're not allergies because those would be consistent.  All I know is one thing: I'm still alive and that's something.  I had my mom for 19 wonderful years and I'm blessed that I was fortunate enough to be chosen to be her daughter.  No matter how angry I get because older adults have their parents, I must realize that my darling mother was special enough to go to heaven sooner, a VIP I guess you could say.

No, this doesn't mean I hate the world or people whose parents are still alive, on the contrary, I feel happy for them because I know how precious that time is.  This also doesn't mean that I'm depressed and down in the dumps, I mean, I am my mother's daughter, heck, we were born tough! I guess it just means that today will be one of those harder days.  Today, is unfortunately, semi-chaotic as far as school goes but I know just need to focus on being strong and letting God take over.  I need to focus on what I have and who I have as opposed to who I don't have and what I don't have.  Count my blessings.

So here I go about to attempt to go to sleep and wake up in 5 hours to finish stuff.  I will pray my heart out for strength and for my mom to be with me as I face today, especially tonight.

Most importantly, I just wanted to say one last thing:

I love you mommy.

And so it starts.

September has slowly become my least favorite month.  Here are a few reasons organized by date:

September 6, 2012: My aunt Estelle's mom passed away
September 11, 2001: We all know why.
September 14, 2010: My mom and I got in the car accident, leaving her with a fractured humerus
Friday, September 16, 2011: We were told her body was tired (we didn't know how long she had)
Sunday, September 18, 2011: Hospice came to the hospital to visit us
Monday, September 19, 2011: We moved into hospice & the last day my mom was fully conscious
Monday, September 26, 2011: My mom passed away

So, let the small venting begin.

Today (Sept 14) , two years ago was honestly a nightmare.  Here was what I wrote that night.  Here was what I wrote last year on that day, the last post before we found out about my mom's health deteriorating.  Finally, here is the post about when we got my (our) newer car, Anderson.

So, like I mentioned in that original post, that day was one of the worst days of my life.  I won't go into too much detail because I wanted to say how blessed I am.  Yes, today wasn't the easiest of days but I am so blessed to be alive.  Two years ago today, my mom and I experienced one of the worst things in our lives and we overcame it.  Today, I spent time with Mickey, went to work and spent time with my family (Aunt Mimi, Uncle Michael and David) and even met a few new people! I mean, seriously, how blessed am I?

Mickey and I are about to celebrate our 6 months this 18th of September and that's a big thing! He has been so supportive and helpful, especially this month and I'm so blessed to have met him back during our first semester in college.  I am even more thankful for him being there when my mom's health got worse.  He let me vent in Anderson and it was so very helpful.  So, Mickey, if you're reading this, because I think you are, I just wanted to say thank you, from the bottom of my heart for being there for me today.  I know that, together, we can get through this month.  <3 br="br" nbsp="nbsp"> I'm focusing on positivity and happiness and all the beautiful things life has to offer.  So please send good thoughts my way as I navigate the rest of this month.

Thank you.   

Raspberries & Avengers & Mass

So, BIG NEWS.  I just found out like three days ago that I absolutely LOVE raspberries! It's crazy because I've always thought raspberries and blueberries tasted weird because I just assumed but I finally had the guts to try them.  My aunt had gotten raspberries and blueberries on her recent trip to the grocery store and so I thought it would be a good idea to try them.  Oh my goodness guys! Raspberries are SO much better than any other fruit.  Blueberries are really good too but they pretty much taste exactly like grapes to me.  Which reminds me, I had like 115 calories left for the day today and I had strawberries, green grapes, blueberries and raspberries.  FRUIT OVERLOAD.  So good though.  I guess it's a sure sign of summer!  Seriously guys though, they are amazing.  Try them if you haven't! Also, blueberries and raspberries have potassium! That's always good. My mom would be so happy I am still trying new things!

-So. AVENGERS. THE AVENGERS.  Seriously amazing guys. I strongly recommend y'all watch it.  I mean, c'mon, it's a Joss Whedon baby.  Need I say more? It's got a mix of action, adventure, comedy and so much more.  I loved it! I loved seeing it with my special someone too! It was his second time. :)

-I sang at the Baccalaureate Mass today and that was really fun.  It was interesting because it took place in the same venue where my high school graduation was.  It's crazy how time flies by, it's been about two years since I graduated from high school! TWO YEARS! And in about a year and a half, I'll be graduating from college.  I'll be the first in my family to attend and graduate from college.  Insane.  It got me thinking about my future and all, even more than I do already. It was nice though.

Hope y'all have a good day! Good luck with finals and such! Thanks for reading.

Confirmation

For those of you who don't know this, I'm Catholic.  Roman Catholic, to be exact.  There is this step in one's life that, whenever they feel ready, they take.  I've just taken it.  Today! There are seven catholic sacraments: Baptism, Eucharist, Reconciliation, Confirmation, Marriage, Holy Orders, and Anointing of the Sick.  I have experienced or seen others experience all of them except for the Holy Orders which is when someone decides to be take on a religious vocation.

So here's the story in a nutshell, my mom had been wanting me to get confirmed for a LONG time because she knew I wanted to be confirmed but things just kept on preventing me from taking confirmation classes. One of the things my mom wanted me to do was to get my confirmation.  That's exactly what I did today! I've been going to confirmation classes since October, the month after my mom passed away, and I finally did it.  I was confirmed today.

I lit a candle for my sweet momma. 

Not gonna lie, it was a day full of emotions. It kind of made me think of how much of a mess I'm going to be on my wedding day, you know? I mean, today, was beautiful and amazing but oh dear, it was difficult.  What kept me going was thinking of how proud and happy my mom would've been.  She would have been so happy and she would have been taking pictures whenever she could.

It was a beautiful ceremony and everything went smoothly. Everyone was so nice.  Friends and family came out and then we went to eat.

I'm so blessed I was able to take this next step in my catholic life and look forward to living life as a confirmed catholic.

New year without her.

Not gonna lie, I've been in a slump since I've last written.  I won't make this one long because I should really be going to bed but I just need to get this out somehow.  Here's a quick summary:

-I got my dental procedure done! I had a meltdown the day of the surgery because, basically, I wanted my mom with me.  I got IV anesthesia and there were plenty of things that reminded me of my mom and so I had a meltdown.  Unfortunately, it wasn't the first one of 2012.
-It's been extremely difficult lately because there are so many things that I wish my mom were here for.  I don't think I'm getting worse, it's just different.
-I started a new semester, my fourth one, to be exact, and it just kind of hit me.  I won't go home and tell her everything about my day because she isn't here.
-There are plenty of things that just bother me because it's been over 100 days since she passed and I'm still falling apart.
-I'm having financial issues because, heck, I'm a freakin' college student! Everything is overwhelming but most of all, I miss my mom.
-So, thank you for letting me vent.  I know I'm doing okay, it's just it's very difficult sometimes.  Many good things have happened lately but it's just hard because I wish she were here to share them with me.
-So, guys, please pray for me.  I used to ask y'all to please pray for my momma but I'm scared.  Terrified, to be exact.  Of everything.  I've prayed and asked God to lead me in the right direction and help me during these difficult times.  Please and thank you.
-Let's pray this 2012 is a good year for all of us.

Stage IV.

Well readers, this is what one would consider a serious post.  This morning my mom and I (before going to the oncologist) watched a bit of Good Morning America.  They showed the world television premiere of Martina McBride's song "I'm Gonna Love You Through It".  Now, here is my opinion: I know that all people fighting cancer are fighters and it's amazing that people get diagnosed in the earlier stages because that increases their chance of survival.  Here's my deal though, what happens to those who don't get diagnosed with cancer in the early stages [Stage I, II or even III]? I'm talking about those who are diagnosed with Stage IV cancer.  Like I said, it's wonderful when people get diagnosed with cancer in the early stages but I don't feel there is enough support out there for those that don't.  

This song, which is really nice, don't get me wrong, it's great for those that can relate exactly. 

She made it through the surgery fine
They said they caught it just in time
But they had to take more than they planned
Now it's forced smiles and baggy shirtsTo hide what the cancer took from her
But she just wants to feel like a woman again
She said, "I don't think I can do this anymore"
He took her in his arms and said "That's what my love is for"

The second line and third line almost makes me want to say "Well thank God, that's great and wonderful but be thankful that that's all you had to get.  You had to endure a difficult surgery and probably radiation and chemo but that's it."

The fourth line is maybe one of my least favorites. "Forced smiles and baggy shirts".  Forced smiles? Really? I'll show you a forced smile, every single time people ask how your day is and you say "fine" but you know it's not, you realize that everything is slowly dying away, day by day.  That things will slowly decline and me more painful, there will be more complications, things will happen that wouldn't have happened if she hadn't been diagnosed with Stage IV breast cancer.  Her bones, where the cancer spread, are so brittle that she will never walk again, her liver has shadows of cancer in it and she is in constant pain.  So when this line is sung it's almost like they are lucky that's all they faced.  

For the last few lines, "wants to feel like a woman again" and "I don't think I can do this anymore", it's the same kind of deal.  Feeling like a woman again after the removal of the breasts, is something that I am not familiar with but my mom has been with constant treatment since 2008, she has had at least 3 different kinds of chemo given to her at different times.  You talk about wanting to feel like a woman again, my mom and many other Stage IV survivors have to constantly deal with losing their hair.  

Finally, and this is definitely my least favorite, "I don't think I can do this anymore".  Granted, whenever people hear the word cancer and find out that they, or a loved one is diagnosed, their world crumbles. I know, I've been there.  People feel that nothing will ever be the same.  The thing is that for the people who are diagnosed in the early stages they will get better and be in remission but for those diagnosed in the later stages, their chances of ever being in remission are slim to none.  

I know I may have come off as rude but I just feel that there should be more attention to those fighting Stage IV cancer.  They shouldn't be looked at as a lost cause or given up on.  They are the true fighters that even against all odds are still here fighting.  They are the ones that when given obstacle after obstacle still manage to keep being positive.  They are the ones we need to focus on helping, not just those diagnosed in the early stages.  We need them to know that we are there for them, for the all those times that they are told that they need to switch treatments because they've stopped working or for those times when they are told that the cancer is spreading to yet another body part.  We need to be there for them just like they were/are there for us.  They need to know that we are with them fighting all odds along the way and that we won't give up on them despite the statistics.  I know that is exactly how I try to be with my mom. She is my hero and she is the bravest person I know.  She is fighting the biggest battle of her life and I admire her for it.  I just want us to spread the word in curing cancer, especially in the late stages.  

Thank you for letting me get my opinion out.  My mom will be having chemo next thursday, please pray.  Thank you all.

Long Time No Write

Things, as usual, have been pretty cray cray around here (haha I've always wanted to say that, so here I get the chance to write it), so yeah, they've been insanely different.  So again, list time.

-My mom is now at a skilled nursing facility.  She is getting therapy two hours a day, except for weekends, when she, herself, does a little bit of therapy.  Things are going well.
-We are still unsure about what's going to happen after, you know with the whole chemo situation. Her liver has started hurting a bit again, but I pray that this situation doesn't get worse.
-Oh, we are going to be looking at moving from our apartments so that's good!
-My job is going well.  Here are some highlights:
    -I met/talked to a few nuns!
    -I've talked with a Scottish priest
    -I've talked with a British family! (Yes, their accents are so wonderful and amazing!)
    -I've had a great experience so far!
-I start my summer classes, well actually only 1 summer class (something kind of like PE) this month (27th) so I'm looking forward to that, kind of.

Yup, it's summer.

-My aunt gave my mom and I her Wii because she doesn't use it (because of her heart problems) so we just got it today, which is pretty amazing because I've wanted one for THE longest time! So, thank you Aunt Estelle.
-That leads me to something else: while my mom was in the hospital and not doing so well, I had some people tell me to prepare myself for the worst basically and then I had somebody else ask me "when is it enough?" like basically, stop pushing your mom so hard.  To tell you the truth, this all really upset me and frustrated me for these reasons. Number 1: They are not God, so they don't know when the end is, I understand that people may say this to be supportive but it's like, c'mon, we are not those negative-minded kind of people.  Number 2: I've told my mom that if she ever feels like it is too much, I will be okay.  I know this sounds insane and weird but I don't want my mom to suffer.  So anyway, we've talked about stuff like this and for people to assume is just very frustrating.
I even came up with this little quote: "It's not called denial, it's called having faith". Pretty nice right? People felt that my mom having the surgery was crazy and very dangerous, which yeah it was, but they wouldn't have done it if it wasn't worth it. People would give me this look like they thought I was in denial of how serious things were, but I kept telling them "It's my mom we are talking about, not some whimpy person." So there, I'm done. Thank you for letting me vent.
-My mom had 42 stitches removed from her femur! ( a while ago)
-Everything is getting better. I will try to blog more but, well you know.. things have been crazy.
-You can go to the page: Please pray for Amy's mom (on facebook) for more updates.
-Oh and remember tumblr: www.acassandraz.tumblr.com

Thanks for reading guys! :)

Peace and Love

Okay so things aren't that great right now.  I have had two cancer-related nightmares in the past three nights and they seem so real that they make me super depressed.  Today is my mom's last day of pain patches, which means that she is in more pain than usual because the pain patch has started to lose it's effect of controlling her pain.  It takes a few hours for the new set of pain patches to kick in so the last day is pretty sucky (which is every three days).  I know this is sounding super depressing and probably not the best way to start off this post but it's just one of those days.

Peace and love (found it online)

Everything hasn't been that wonderful lately.  I pray that everything in Japan gets better and really that everything gets better.  As cheesy as this sounds, I want world peace, happiness and health.  I know major dork moment, but it's just like sometimes it just hits you, you know? I am the kind of person that doesn't use the word hate a lot, but there are just some things that I do hate, like death, sickness, pain, pretty much anything depressing.  I just want everything to get better.

Like with my mom right now, today was a sucky day, but the thing is that she'll hopefully feel better tomorrow and then it's going to be like, "Gosh Amy, you don't have to worry" but then it's time for the labs and then her oncologist appt. and then BAM! fears are back, stomach feels messed up and then it gets better and then again horrible.  It's just... I don't know.

I'm trying to be positive and have faith but it it's like in moments were I feel so helpless and mad everything just feels so overwhelming.

I will try to end this blog with something not depressing:

It's Spring Break so I have been working on scholarships and homework and other stuff, so I'm glad that I don't have to go to school this week.  I am getting closer to getting my teeth situation fixed, so I'm glad about that as well.  Ummm...I think that's it.

Thanks for reading and helping me get this out of my brain.
Please keep praying.

Whose Line Is It Anyway?

Okay so this past week was not too bad.  In my last blog post I mentioned that in my acting class we would be watching ourselves as our partners and well in the middle of the second person (my person) the camera died, so we weren't able to watch all of ourselves, yey, so it wasn't awkward. :) Anyway, the feedback was pretty nice, not to toot my own horn but they said that I was a good athletic boy and that it was just crazy how good I was at being an athletic boy because I am a kind girl, haha. This coming week we will be playing "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"-style of games!!! :) Yepee! Next class we will be playing "Props" which is where you have a prop and you do as many things with it, yeah superrr fun! Last year for my birthday my friend Amber got me one of the seasons for Whose Line, so I guess you could say I am a pretty big fan. :)  We are supposed to bring a prop and work with it, I am still trying to figure out what exactly I should take, so we'll see.

I will be having my first Anatomy test this week, aah! but I feel like I am on my way to being prepared.  It's just crazy though because in this last chapter that I read it talked about cell division and what happens when cell division gets out of control (...CANCER) and the stuff that they wrote in that book was super depressing concerning this disease, but whatever, it's only a book.  I have faith.  Part of the reason why I decided to take this class was so I could learn more about my mom's disease and the different parts of the body and I could help her out with anatomy-related things, if that makes sense.  Anyway, these few chapters (2-4) are not my cup of tea but the material in the chapters after that seems interesting.

My mom is doing pretty well.  She has an appt. with the endocrinologist (diabetes doctor) this thursday.  Oh! and my History of Christianity class is cancelled on thursday! yey! so I'll get to sleep in a bit more :)))).  Also, I'm still applying for jobs, unfortunately though, Toys R Us Express did not hire me (this was an online app, so maybe they are just not accepting apps, so yeah) but I'm still applying for more! Cross your fingers * I need a job pronto!

Okay, I think that's it for now. Thanks for reading!