Wednesday, September 26

1 whole year. ♥

To say that it's been a year since my mom passed away feels like a nightmare.  I honestly intended to fall asleep way before right now, almost 4 o'clock in the morning.  I'm proud of how far I've come you know? I've learned to drive on highways, I've flown on my own, I have two jobs and go to school.  I pay my own bills, I do things on my own.  To say it's been a year is an accomplishment for me.  Yet, there is that overwhelming sadness that I feel just thinking that it in fact has been a whole year since my mom passed away.  A whole year.  365 days.  It's been 365 days since I held her hand and hugged her and it's been even longer since I last talked with her and laughed with her.

I still don't understand why she's gone.  I don't understand why she even got the disease in the first place.  Selfishly speaking, I was only 19, I was an only child, I don't really have a dad (biologically speaking, duh but he's not even in the picture), I don't have the whole package you're supposed to have when your mom dies.  You're supposed to be married, have kids, have a career.  She's supposed to be a grandmother, she's supposed to spoil your kids.  Tell you advice on how to raise them and in my case she was going to be there to walk me down the aisle.

I know that once today passes (and the 29th, the day of the viewing), things will kind of go back to normal but for the time being, I guess being a big ball of emotions is understandable.  Wanting to cry and scream is part of the package that comes with the 1 year mark.  I guess I was hoping today wouldn't be such a hard day and that's why I've been trying to avoid thinking about it but truth is, there's no avoiding today.  Ever.

I started getting body aches this past weekend and they've been coming and going.  I took ibuprofen earlier and, if you know me, you know I hate taking meds unless I absolutely need to.  My eyes were tired and felt like I had been crying for days.  I don't know if it's my body realizing it's been a year or what.  They're not allergies because those would be consistent.  All I know is one thing: I'm still alive and that's something.  I had my mom for 19 wonderful years and I'm blessed that I was fortunate enough to be chosen to be her daughter.  No matter how angry I get because older adults have their parents, I must realize that my darling mother was special enough to go to heaven sooner, a VIP I guess you could say.

No, this doesn't mean I hate the world or people whose parents are still alive, on the contrary, I feel happy for them because I know how precious that time is.  This also doesn't mean that I'm depressed and down in the dumps, I mean, I am my mother's daughter, heck, we were born tough! I guess it just means that today will be one of those harder days.  Today, is unfortunately, semi-chaotic as far as school goes but I know just need to focus on being strong and letting God take over.  I need to focus on what I have and who I have as opposed to who I don't have and what I don't have.  Count my blessings.

So here I go about to attempt to go to sleep and wake up in 5 hours to finish stuff.  I will pray my heart out for strength and for my mom to be with me as I face today, especially tonight.

Most importantly, I just wanted to say one last thing:

I love you mommy.


Mimi said...

Your mother would be so proud of all that you've accomplished. You are one classy lady - just like your mom. We love you, little one.

Haddock said...

Just to repeat the comment above, she would be proud of you.
In some ways this has made you more independant and ready to face life :-)

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