Overwhelming and Amazing

Major events have occurred! 

After 5 years of wanting to volunteer for the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure, I was finally able to do so this past weekend! It was intense.  I'm so glad I finally was able to go but I think, in a way, it was a good thing I hadn't gone right after my mom's death.  Don't get me wrong, I loved being surrounded by cheerful people in remission and those loved ones standing by them.  Sadly though, I couldn't help but see the groups of people walking/running in memory of someone.  

I assisted with the start and finish line. Once people started getting ready and in their designated sections (i.e. 5k/competitive/non-competitive/walkers/etc.) things started getting intense.  It was like people were multiplying by the dozens. It was crazy! 

Once the race started I walked around a bit and unfortunately, my emotions got in the way.  It was difficult coming to the realization that my mom and I would never share in that victory of her overcoming cancer.  My mom and I dreamed of going to the race and everything. It was just sad, but I composed myself kind of quickly and payed a visit to the Tribute Tent. I felt that it was a way to pay respects to those who had also lost their lives/loved ones to this sucky disease. 

In happier, news, sorry for being such a Debby Downer guys, I received a scholarship at my school's Honor's Convocation this past Sunday!  The scholarship is in memory of a fellow student who passed away suddenly after graduation.  His mother and my professor formed a friendship after his death and have a scholarship in his name.  The teacher that nominated me for this scholarship gave such a beautiful speech and ended it by saying "I know your mom would be very proud of you." 

(Or something to that effect). It was just amazing. I teared up. 

Mickey surprised me before the Honors Convocation with red carnations (MY FAVORITE) and this cute flower pot.   He took this candid picture of me. :)

Mrs. Curnutt and Dr. Greenberg. :)

I even got a glass thingy-majig. It was awesome.
I do think my mom would be very proud of me.

And now, I embark on to finish my final spring semester in college.  I'll be applying for graduation shortly and then, before I know it, I'll be attending my final semester of college!! 

Where did the time go?? 

But, one thing at a time, tomorrow I'll be filling in as Entertainment Anchor for my school's television station! It all happened very recently, 

one of the anchors for tomorrow's LIVE broadcast is feeling very under the weather and so, I will step in.  Sometimes, things just work out a different way than you planned them to. 

So, here's hoping our previous anchor feels better and that I do a very good job tomorrow! :)

The first 24.

So, some of y'all may have heard/read that my mom passed away yesterday [Sept. 26] night making this the first of my new kind of blog posts.  I won't be talking as much about cancer, disease, death, chemo, hospitals, skilled nursing facilities.  I can almost hear the relief in y'all. JK. So here is what I think is important to know.

The last few days of my mom's life weren't the best.  I had a feeling yesterday that it was time.  I won't go into the details because I don't want those to be the ones I remember her by but I'll say one thing: I was holding her hand when it happened.  I thanked her several times for being MY MOM, and for being such a great one and that I would make her proud and that everything would be okay.  This experience has been the BIGGEST life-changer in my life.  I feel at peace.  Yes, I do get sad at times but it's wonderful to know my mom is having a blast in heaven with my grandma, my great-grandpa and all my other brothers and sisters.  I do wish she would come in my dreams though, that would be awesome. I am not even as depressed or sad as I thought I would be and I'm very proud of myself for that.  So, with that being said, here is what I did today.

Now that I will be living with my aunt and uncle (my mom's friends of more than 30 years) I will have to get used to a new lifestyle.  One of them being, my aunt doesn't cook. At all. I can though! Well, anyway the cooking will come later but she likes going out for breakfast the majority of the time. So today we were looking for a restaurant to get breakfast that I would likely never go to again because I didn't want depressing memories.  Then we ate there.  After that, my aunt and I went shopping for my mom's "viewing clothes".  Then at 3pm we had the appt with the funeral director.  That was weird but…and here is sign number one from my momma.  My mom used to play the mandolin and I played/will play the violin.  About 10 seconds after we arrived there we saw (in the flower shop inside) two statues: an angel playing the mandolin and an angel playing the violin!! Crazy right? So we will have those in the chapel at the funeral home. I won't go into great detail with everything else but let me just say that it is going to be beautiful. After that, my aunt, uncle (who had gone to the funeral home also with us) and I all went to Olive Garden. [I had Seafood Alfredo…YUM!!!].  Anyway, after that we returned to their house and then later we saw Parenthood.  I was able to convince them to watch it!

Things have not been so bad.  My aunt and uncle and friends and family have been so supportive.  I wanted to thank y'all for supporting me during this time.  Alex, if you are reading this, thank you for everything. My aunt wants me to get my new room decorated to my liking which is very nice.

I'm getting sleepy but I just wanted to say thank you all for all the prayers and everything.  I will try to blog pretty frequently to not hang on to anything.

Never the same again.

I am going to make this quick but I just wanted to update y'all and get this out of my brain.

We are in hospice.  Well, technically my mom is in hospice, but when it comes to us, everything is "we" so, we are in hospice.  Hospice is a place were people that are extremely sick go to get extreme comfort care.  No chemo, no other medicine to help anything, except for pain and anxiety, and no other treatment is given here.  Friday, September 16 was when we found out.  I won't go into detail because I'm too overwhelmed right now. I am writing this so I could ask y'all to please pray for my mom as well as me.  I usually only ask for prayers for my mom because she is fighting this sucky stage IV cancer but now, from now on, it will only be me left in this tiny family of ours.  So that is why I need y'alls prayers too.  Her body is too tired of fighting, that's what the oncologist's nurse practitioner said.  We moved to the hospice unit on the 19th.  Things have slowly declined.  When we found out on friday, they told us they basically don't know how long she has.  I'm writing this as I'm praying and hoping that today is not her last day with me.  I miss her already because she has been sleeping pretty much since tuesday/wednesday.

So, please please pray.  Thank you.

7.

[7 Wants]

1.  Cure for cancer.  I HATE this disease.  Wherever you turn, it's like, there it is again, and there and there… I don't like it.  It doesn't just affect people and then it's gone, if you are diagnosed in late stages, it sticks with you, or if you are in remission the fear is always there.  Bottom line, I want there to be a cure for it.

2. World Peace.  I know, this is a bit cheesy but I hate war.  I wish that our troops could just stay here and help the community, I don't like them having to go to war or fight.  I don't like people being mean and fighting.  I want world peace.

3.  Happiness.  I want people to be happy, truly happy.  I want my mom to be happy.  I want to be happy.  Happiness is very important for me but sometimes it isn't that easy to find.  

4.  Health. I want health.  My mom is sick and it's just crazy how easy it is to lose your health.  I want to be healthier and I want to be able to prevent getting any diseases, if I can.  I want people to be healthy and not have diseases.  

5.  Graduate in Four Years.  My degree plan shows that the goal is to graduate in five years.  I've already completed my freshman year, so there would only be four more years, but I want to graduate in four years because I want to start working.  While I'm working, then I'll start on my Master's.   

6.  I want to not worry all the time.  I miss the days where I was a bit more carefree.  I didn't let things affect me as much but now they do.  If my mom's stomach hurts, I freakout, my mind starts wandering and then I'm stressed out.  If I sneeze once or twice I start worrying I'm getting sick, which I can't afford because then I'll get my mom sick.  So, I get stressed.

7.  I want this to get better in general, everywhere. No more suffering.  

  

P.S. Please pray for my mom.

Stage IV.

Well readers, this is what one would consider a serious post.  This morning my mom and I (before going to the oncologist) watched a bit of Good Morning America.  They showed the world television premiere of Martina McBride's song "I'm Gonna Love You Through It".  Now, here is my opinion: I know that all people fighting cancer are fighters and it's amazing that people get diagnosed in the earlier stages because that increases their chance of survival.  Here's my deal though, what happens to those who don't get diagnosed with cancer in the early stages [Stage I, II or even III]? I'm talking about those who are diagnosed with Stage IV cancer.  Like I said, it's wonderful when people get diagnosed with cancer in the early stages but I don't feel there is enough support out there for those that don't.  

This song, which is really nice, don't get me wrong, it's great for those that can relate exactly. 

She made it through the surgery fine
They said they caught it just in time
But they had to take more than they planned
Now it's forced smiles and baggy shirtsTo hide what the cancer took from her
But she just wants to feel like a woman again
She said, "I don't think I can do this anymore"
He took her in his arms and said "That's what my love is for"

The second line and third line almost makes me want to say "Well thank God, that's great and wonderful but be thankful that that's all you had to get.  You had to endure a difficult surgery and probably radiation and chemo but that's it."

The fourth line is maybe one of my least favorites. "Forced smiles and baggy shirts".  Forced smiles? Really? I'll show you a forced smile, every single time people ask how your day is and you say "fine" but you know it's not, you realize that everything is slowly dying away, day by day.  That things will slowly decline and me more painful, there will be more complications, things will happen that wouldn't have happened if she hadn't been diagnosed with Stage IV breast cancer.  Her bones, where the cancer spread, are so brittle that she will never walk again, her liver has shadows of cancer in it and she is in constant pain.  So when this line is sung it's almost like they are lucky that's all they faced.  

For the last few lines, "wants to feel like a woman again" and "I don't think I can do this anymore", it's the same kind of deal.  Feeling like a woman again after the removal of the breasts, is something that I am not familiar with but my mom has been with constant treatment since 2008, she has had at least 3 different kinds of chemo given to her at different times.  You talk about wanting to feel like a woman again, my mom and many other Stage IV survivors have to constantly deal with losing their hair.  

Finally, and this is definitely my least favorite, "I don't think I can do this anymore".  Granted, whenever people hear the word cancer and find out that they, or a loved one is diagnosed, their world crumbles. I know, I've been there.  People feel that nothing will ever be the same.  The thing is that for the people who are diagnosed in the early stages they will get better and be in remission but for those diagnosed in the later stages, their chances of ever being in remission are slim to none.  

I know I may have come off as rude but I just feel that there should be more attention to those fighting Stage IV cancer.  They shouldn't be looked at as a lost cause or given up on.  They are the true fighters that even against all odds are still here fighting.  They are the ones that when given obstacle after obstacle still manage to keep being positive.  They are the ones we need to focus on helping, not just those diagnosed in the early stages.  We need them to know that we are there for them, for the all those times that they are told that they need to switch treatments because they've stopped working or for those times when they are told that the cancer is spreading to yet another body part.  We need to be there for them just like they were/are there for us.  They need to know that we are with them fighting all odds along the way and that we won't give up on them despite the statistics.  I know that is exactly how I try to be with my mom. She is my hero and she is the bravest person I know.  She is fighting the biggest battle of her life and I admire her for it.  I just want us to spread the word in curing cancer, especially in the late stages.  

Thank you for letting me get my opinion out.  My mom will be having chemo next thursday, please pray.  Thank you all.

Change.

I will start with the not so wonderful news and then end with pretty nice things.

As I mentioned in earlier posts, my mom is in a skilled nursing facility.  Here's a quick summary of what's happened since I finished my first year in college:
 -May 8: Mother's Day. Mom is admitted into hospital at around 5am because she wasn't doing so well.  She had pneumonia, an infection, her platelets were weird, she had low red and white blood cells.  She stayed in the hospital until the 18th.  On the 16th, she tore a tendon on her right arm.
 -May 23: Two days before my birthday.  My mom fell and broke her right femur (thigh).  She was rushed to a different hospital than we're used to because they specialize in orthopaedic surgeries.  She had her surgery on May 25 (my birthday) and then on the 28th-ish she was transferred to our familiar hospital to get therapy. My mom was there until June 10 when she was transferred to this skilled nursing facility where she is getting therapy.

Here's the story: My mom was talking with the therapists here and (like her orthopaedic surgeon had said) they feel it isn't the best if she ever walked again.  She fell and broke her femur once because her bones are so weak, what will prevent it from happening again? This is all as a precautionary measure, we don't want her to break anything else, so it's best if she doesn't walk again.  I was out at this time and my mom just told me this. Now of course, I don't want my mom to break anything ever again but it's like "Wow, things have really changed." It just hit me, my mom's bones being so brittle is because of chemo and radiation. She was diagnosed June 4, 2008 and since then she's been constantly on something until now because of this whole broken bone thing.

1995

I guess what I'm trying to say is I miss when things were easier.  When my biggest worry was what I was going to wear to school or that one really hard test.  Now it's like, how is my mom going to get in the car? What's it going to be like when I go back to school? DNR or DR (because her bones are brittle)? Where do we move (because we need to, because we can't have steps in our apartments)? How are we going to pay for this? What is going to happen with everything? What is going to happen to my mom? What does our future look like? I try to take things one step at a time but sometimes it's like I'm drowning.  I just wish things were just like they were when I was in 5th grade or something.  Those days were easier.  I guess, it's just part of growing up.  You'd think I'd get used to this whole cancer situation since age 16 when my mom was diagnosed, but it just gets harder and harder.

Thank you for letting me let it out.
Now for the nicer news.

I mentioned that my Aunt Estelle gave us her Wii. Yesterday my mom and I played with it and it was really fun.  The bowling helps her left arm get stronger and I have been playing the boxing games (also on the Wii Fit Plus) which helps me get all my anger out. The Wii Fit also helps me get my energy out.

Also I start my PE class this coming weekend.  9am-12pm.  At least it'll help me get rid of all that grossness the hospital food gave me. ha.

Another thing!!! My mom's pain medication schedule is fixed!!! (I just found this out.)

I pray that everything gets just a tad bit easier and thank God for still having my mom here with me.  Please pray guys. Thank you.

Long Time No Write

Things, as usual, have been pretty cray cray around here (haha I've always wanted to say that, so here I get the chance to write it), so yeah, they've been insanely different.  So again, list time.

-My mom is now at a skilled nursing facility.  She is getting therapy two hours a day, except for weekends, when she, herself, does a little bit of therapy.  Things are going well.
-We are still unsure about what's going to happen after, you know with the whole chemo situation. Her liver has started hurting a bit again, but I pray that this situation doesn't get worse.
-Oh, we are going to be looking at moving from our apartments so that's good!
-My job is going well.  Here are some highlights:
    -I met/talked to a few nuns!
    -I've talked with a Scottish priest
    -I've talked with a British family! (Yes, their accents are so wonderful and amazing!)
    -I've had a great experience so far!
-I start my summer classes, well actually only 1 summer class (something kind of like PE) this month (27th) so I'm looking forward to that, kind of.

Yup, it's summer.

-My aunt gave my mom and I her Wii because she doesn't use it (because of her heart problems) so we just got it today, which is pretty amazing because I've wanted one for THE longest time! So, thank you Aunt Estelle.
-That leads me to something else: while my mom was in the hospital and not doing so well, I had some people tell me to prepare myself for the worst basically and then I had somebody else ask me "when is it enough?" like basically, stop pushing your mom so hard.  To tell you the truth, this all really upset me and frustrated me for these reasons. Number 1: They are not God, so they don't know when the end is, I understand that people may say this to be supportive but it's like, c'mon, we are not those negative-minded kind of people.  Number 2: I've told my mom that if she ever feels like it is too much, I will be okay.  I know this sounds insane and weird but I don't want my mom to suffer.  So anyway, we've talked about stuff like this and for people to assume is just very frustrating.
I even came up with this little quote: "It's not called denial, it's called having faith". Pretty nice right? People felt that my mom having the surgery was crazy and very dangerous, which yeah it was, but they wouldn't have done it if it wasn't worth it. People would give me this look like they thought I was in denial of how serious things were, but I kept telling them "It's my mom we are talking about, not some whimpy person." So there, I'm done. Thank you for letting me vent.
-My mom had 42 stitches removed from her femur! ( a while ago)
-Everything is getting better. I will try to blog more but, well you know.. things have been crazy.
-You can go to the page: Please pray for Amy's mom (on facebook) for more updates.
-Oh and remember tumblr: www.acassandraz.tumblr.com

Thanks for reading guys! :)

Blessed and hopeful

Okay readers.  Things have drastically changed since I last blogged. Here's the summary because frankly, right now, I'm all about moving forward and improving from now on and I’m falling asleep but I felt like I really needed to blog because it’s been tooooooooooooo long.

So, Monday my mom fell and broker her right femur (upper thigh area), I was with her and so I called 911. Probably one of the worst experiences of my life.  I felt like I wanted to scream.  It's weird because this one lady and her son were looking at my mom and I told them "Please stop staring, she's my mom." Now that I look back on it, it's like "what the heck where you thinking Amy? They could have easily gotten violent on me, but thank God they didn't. So anyway, we got to the ER and the whole process was painful.  We were at a different hospital because of the opportunities available there for my mom. 

Anyway fast forward to Wednesday May 25…my mom is scheduled for surgery and it’s my 19^th birthday.  That day was definitely one of the worst days I’ve ever had in my life, except for the way it ended.  I won’t go into a great deal of depth but the surgery took twice as long as expected because basically, cancer got in the way of the rod that was going to be put in, so that was fixed but in the meantime I was having a meltdown in the waiting room.  I thought it was all over.  That’s why when I saw my mom, even completely asleep, I was so relieved and felt so blessed to see my mom alive and to be able to have her say “Happy Birthday” to me.  It’s crazy because I was born at 7:28pm and that was the time that I was REALLY falling apart.  Anyway, thank God that’s all over.

I am going to wrap this up because I’m falling asleep but I just wanted to update y’all.

So here’s a quick little list:

-My mom’s therapy has been challenging but she’s improving

-We don’t know how long she’ll be here (in rehab aka physical therapy)

-She’ll start chemo back up again once her scar and everything has healed which they are thinking might be about 4 weeks. (I pray it will be less)

-I know I’m missing a lot of stuff but I’m falling asleep because it’s been a very long day.

-P.S. Today was my first day out of training for my chapel job. (It went well)

-I’m staying with my mom in the hospital.

P.S. I got a tumblr because I thought it was something interesting I could do while in the hospital.  

soo here it is: www.acassandraz.tumblr.com

Here is the view from my mom's current room.

Please pray everything improves. 

I will try to write sooner.


Another thing, tomorrow is the third anniversary (I guess you could call it) since my mom's diagnosis.  Please pray she has many more years here with me.
Thank you.

Scary Doctor, Wonderful Nurses + Techs and Getting Home

In my last blog post I let it all out and I wanted to update y'all on the craziness that has been happening these past 10 days.  So...here it goes:

I wrote the last post in the wee hours of the morning of Mother's Day (8th) because my mom wasn't doing so well and I was really scared and sad.  A few hours after I blogged my mom was seriously going downhill, I won't go into the details but it was BAD, so we called my aunt and uncle to see what we should do.  My aunt is a nurse so she has that kind of medical input.  So (btw sorry for the weird blog kind of grammar) we all decided that going to the hospital was the right decision but that the ambulance would be a better idea. We got to the hospital and everything was like in fast forward.  I was telling docs and nurses about my mom's medications, her symptoms and anything and everything they asked about.  (My mom at this time was getting poked and a whole lot of other things done to her so she was a bit busy) So anyway...she ended up going to the ICU because her BP was a bit low and this is where the first part of the title of my blog comes in.

Transfusion again, views from the right and left side of ICU room.

Once my mom got to the ICU she met her ICU doctor (aka scary doctor).  See the thing is, and I've mentioned this before, it's just my mom and me, so whenever there are big blobs of information we are usually both aware of what's going on, but this time it was like the scary doctor just wanted to talk to my mom, so I respected that but I could still overhear what he was asking her.  Again, I won't go into detail but let's just say these questions where "the worst case scenario" but he was super blunt.  Anyway, I don't want to spend too much time talking about this but you get the idea, this mature (old), 6ft tall doctor was talking to my mom (my little tiny 5ft tall momma) so of course I was scared that maybe she needed somebody else there. Oh and another thing, because of his height every single time he talked with my mom he elevated her hospital bed so he wouldn't have to bed over, and this really bothered me because as I mentioned, he was a GIANT! So yeah, my mom had pneumonia, so of course she had trouble breathing, her platelets were out of whack, her red and white blood cell counts were super low, so she needed a transfusion (she got 3 units), she had an infection and so she needed antibiotics and steroids and breathing treatments.  While in the ICU anybody visiting her needed to wear these blue robe things and gloves and since I had that ugly cough/bronchitis/upper respiratory infection to still get rid of I also wore a mask.  I know, insane.  She was in the ICU for 2 days and I couldn't stay overnight so Day 1 I stayed with my aunt and uncle and I went to bed at like 9pm, just like a baby.  Day 2 I stayed at home alone because I wanted to get stuff ready at home for when my mom came home.  The nurses were really nice and attentive in the ICU so I knew that my mom would be in good hands, but it certainly did not make it any easier to leave her the way she was.  It was hard enough to leave to get lunch and dinner, I basically inhaled the hospital food.  Then, Day 3 came, she was moved to the 3rd floor, so bye bye ICU!

While they were transferring her to the 3rd floor they said I could head on over to her room (307) because she was getting a chest X-Ray so I sat there and it was like a flashback of the last time she was in the hospital overnight like this.  In 2008, when she was diagnosed we stayed in the hospital for two weeks and there was a little of a deja vu feeling this time. When I was heading to my mom's room I kept seeing hearts everywhere, it wasn't like Valentine's hearts but like pictures of biological hearts and then I read "3 West Telemetry" and then of course I started freaking out but I just kept thinking that she must be better because she was out of the ICU. So I talked with the nurse to just update him on my mom's situation and then she came and that's when things got better but harder.  Better: I could stay overnight at the hospital! Harder: My mom didn't have a nurse for just her so when she needed something it was harder to get help right away but we managed.  My mom still talked with the scary doctor and now we talked with her endocrinologist more and oncologist and now she had a pulmonologist.  

The view from 307 during the day and night. (It looked much prettier than this)

I will summarize Days 4-10 because there was a whole lot of stuff going on.

-My mom's lungs started getting clearer to the surprise of the pessimistic scary doctor.

-She started getting physical therapy to regain her strength.

-She got antibiotics, steroids, and stuff like that.

-She started eating more as she started feeling better.

-We watched tv together, which was nice.  When people interrupted us watching Grey's Anatomy we decided to just watch it online, just like with America's Next Top Model.  :) (Again, tv to the rescue)

-I got asked about 2345324590 times how old I was and about the same number of times I got the response "oh wow, you look so young" which I love.  :)

-I ate hospital food, which was pretty bad but a couple of days I had the guest trays and yesterday and today I had two meals that were pretty good.

-My mom got breathing treatments to increase her lung capacity and oxygen.  

-The nurses and techs (and physical therapists) were so nice and sweet.

-Some of the nurses and techs told me I would be a good nurse and if I wanted to be one, to which I just laughed a "yeah right" kind of laugh, because it's true, I don't want to be, television producing is where it's at! :) haha.

Room 307, 3West (It reminded me of Grey's Anatomy because of the "west" part--Seattle Grace Mercy West, haha)

-We talked with social workers and such because my mom still wants to get her will situation fixed so it's something that is not in our minds anymore.  

-Scary doctor kept on getting on my nerves more and more because he made my mom more stressed and looked at everything negatively.  

-Everybody else was really nice. 

-Oh the reason she was on the 3rd floor was because they just wanted to monitor her heart but her corazon is good.

-We will be getting some people to come help my mom with physical therapy.

-We met this Pastor (that has been praying for us) and he was really nice, we then later met his family they were really nice and they got us bibles! 

-I am probably missing stuff, but I think these are the most important things, besides this post is super long (sorry, I just wanted to let it all out). 

-Anyway, we are home now, thank you God.  Now we begin the process of starting a new chemo, well actually my mom does because I don't get it, but she does, but now we are just praying that this new chemo that she'll be getting (because this last one really knocked her down) will work for a long time. 

Left: My mom's last meal in hospital (I had something similar and it was surprisingly good--one of my favorites from the hospital) Right: What I slept on for 8 days. Whoohoo, no more of that! :)

-Oh! My birthday is the technically 6 days away (bc it's after midnight on the 18th).  It's insane, I still feel  like I'm 16, or 17, and now I'm already going to turn 19.  Crazy.

Well, I think that's it for now.  Please keep praying guys! Thank y'all!

Please and Thank You

Warning: This blog post may be depressing to some.  These past few days have been severely overwhelming.  I mentioned in another blog post about being an only child and it just being my mom and I at home.  It is moments like these that I really want an older sibling.

So I don't think I've ever mentioned this before but the summer before 6th grade my mom had a brain surgery to remove this benign tumor (Rathke's cleft cyst near her pituitary).  This was a very difficult time for the both of us but the thing is that when I was about to start 6th grade I didn't really realize the severity of the surgery.  One scene sticks out in my mind: My mom and aunt sitting in the front of my aunt's car and my mom being on the phone with a lawyer and crying.  She was writing her will.  I sat in the back seat looking at her and now that I think of it I didn't really cry until a couple of years later when it all hit me, basically when I "woke up" I guess you could call it.  Anyway, my mom has been wanting to get her will situation fixed because she feels it as a way to be like "now you can't take me" and I kind of agree with her but I hate dealing with this.  I went to Office Depot a couple of weeks ago to pick up the standard forms and it was really weird the package even comes with a CD, I don't know, it's weird.  My mom asked the people at the oncologist's office if they knew of any lawyers that could handle these things and we got some numbers but we haven't contacted them.  This is relevant because like I said things have been really overwhelming lately.

My mom just finished taking her pills for her infection and to raise her potassium yesterday so we were glad about that but she has been feeling weird lately.  She has been really tired and hasn't been keeping her food down.  I always push for her to eat more meat because I feel it is really important to have protein because she needs energy but I don't want to stuff food in her face. You know? I know she still wants to continue fighting but I don't know what else to do.

This is where it gets really depressing: Today was especially tough because she was feeling really drained and wasn't sure if she was going to make it.  She felt that she was getting in my way and then I started crying and telling her that I would be lost without her.  I know this is horrible.  Last night apparently she had this super vivid dream that she had told me to make a quick list for the will but she didn't tell me this.  We started getting worried because it was almost like "what is this a sign it's all over?" and then I broke down and well the rest is the same as it's been before, I started bawling like a baby and screaming into my pillow.  I am not giving up but I get so angry sometimes.  I know this sounds ridiculous but sometimes I just look up and ask God to just work with me.  I tell him to keep her here longer because he knows how much I need her and to just work with me and give me strength.

Another thing: I mentioned in my last post that I was sick and I think I have finally gotten over this cold. The thing is that whenever my mom is on chemo we have to be especially careful to not get her sick because of her low blood cell count (white and red) and this got me really mad because I usually have a really good immune system.  So pretty much this entire time I have had to stay a bit far away from her and wear a mask (like a doctor) and it's like the worst time because I just want to hug her and know that I am really not alone.  I know I am not but I need her, I mean, come on, she's my mom.

I have been praying to God to please keep her here with me longer and thank him.  I would deeply appreciate any prayers that this chaos of my mom's disease/situation calms down.  I want her to not be in pain and feel strong emotionally, at least.  Please pray that tomorrow for mother's day she will have a better day and that she will continue to get better and that this chemo controls the cancer.

Please and thank you.

.

So it's been a while since I last blogged but things have been soo sooo soooooo crazy.  I decided to write in list form today because of everything that's happened.

-My mom has had 1 round of the new chemo push thing, the second part of it was delayed because she had this infection but she just finished her pills! I think we are back on track! Her calcium was low so she had some medication for that too.
-I just finished finals yesterday.  It was horrible though because I got extremely sick sunday night, wonderful right? Anywho, I'm just sooooooooooooooooo relieved I'm done with finals.  This coming week I have off and then I start my summer classes.  (Dimensions of Wellness, U. S. to 1865 and Announcing and Performance) I had to rearrange my schedule because of my mom's appointments.
-On a serious note: I had a meltdown last week, it was pretty bad, maybe in the top 5 worst days of my life but I'm a bit better, just please keep praying that everything gets better guys.

SOME HAPPY STUFF:

-Prince William and Kate Middleton got married! I saw the wedding, it was so nice! ( I loved her dress!)
-Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts are on Oprah today!
-BTW, Oprah's last episode will air on my birthday!!! (MAY 25)
-My audio production final went well, y'all can see it here.
-I'm probably missing a lot of stuff but it's been a rough couple of weeks. Please pray.

It always rains the hardest on the people who deserve sun

Dear readers I am writing this as a way to let it all out, or whatever is left.  Warning: this blog post may be depressing.  Thursday was my mom's oncologist appt.  I knew something was off when he came in because we had just seen him and we usually see him every 4 appts.  He came and his face was not his usual one and that's when I went into shock mode.  He said that the CT had revealed that there is a "shadow" on my mom's liver, which meant that the chemo wasn't working.

I am not going to lie to you, I feel numb.  I feel like we are in just one nightmare, beside the one we were already in.  I am not feeling the most positive thoughts because sometimes it just feels good to let it all out and get my frustrations out.  I am not the kind of person that gets mad easily or even frustrated easily but I have hit rock bottom.  I know things could get worse and are worse for other people but the thing is that this is my mom, this is much harder to deal with.  She is the strongest person I know and she is the most loving person I know and she doesn't deserve this.  That's when I usually get furious because I can't do ANYTHING to make her cancer disappear, I can pray (which I do) and believe positive thoughts and everything but it's like, that's not going to make her cancer disappear and that's what makes me so angry.  I absolutely hate this disease.  These past couple of days have felt like a rollercoaster.  Usually I just get super tense right before my mom's oncologist's appt and if we get bad news I usually can bounce back and think positively within the next day but with this last appt that isn't the case.  I have cried probably 5 times a day in the past 2 days and that is just not normal for me.  Whenever I start to think I'm getting better, it's like "bring on the waterworks again".  The thing that makes me so furious is that it is now in an organ and it devastates me.  I am an only child to a single parent.  That's it, there are no brothers and sisters, and definitely no (good) dad (long story).  We aren't very close to our immediate family because of family issues in the past (long story again) so it's like "Really? Now this? Apparently a Stage IV diagnosis was just not enough right? Hey! Let's make it spread. "

This is getting close to the time of finals as well so that's like twice the normal stress level of school that I usually have. I registered for summer and fall classes and that was more stress. I got all of the classes I wanted except for 1 which isn't that bad, so that's good.

I sometimes wish (sorry this is going to sound super depressing) that we could just go to sleep and wake up when it all gets better, and if doesn't then we just shouldn't wake up.  I know this is super negative thinking but sometimes it's just like, enough is enough, there is just so much two people can take.  The (horrible) irony of this whole situation is that my maternal grandma was also diagnosed with cancer (way before I was born, I never met her unfortunately) and she was also a single mother with an only child (my mom) and so we've got this whole deja vu thing, except that my mom was in her early 30s when my grandma was diagnosed.  It's just like, this is NOT FAIR AT ALL for my mom, like it wasn't hard enough for her to go through the nightmare she went through with my grandma and sucky cancer but now she's the one with it and it's got to be Stage IV, no, they couldn't have diagnosed her when it was Stage I or II or even III, no of course not, that would have been easier.

I used to be the person that would look forward to the future but now I hate thinking about it.  I tend to focus now on how we lived before this ;LASDKFAOSIH ET disease (that was my anger talking/typing).  Right now, as you maybe can tell I'm going through my anger stage, earlier I was in the frustrated stage and earlier I was in the sad stage.

I will leave y'all with this because these were happier times for my mom and me.  This was at my birthday party I think when I was 2...? I am not really sure.

P.S. Just please pray for this whole situation to get better and for my mom not to have pain.  Thank you.

I miss this.

CT, "Smile", Acting

Part of the chemo room.

So it's been a while since I last blogged but as you maybe can tell, everything's been pretty crazy.  First of all, today was my mom's CT scan.  It's crazy because she gets her labs and scans done at the place where she used to work at (a hospital, she used to be a radiology transcriptionist) so everytime we go there it's like deja vu of when she used to work there, and frankly, when she wasn't sick.  Anyway, the process of getting the scan done didn't take long but they had trouble trying to get a good vein, so it was more pain for my mom, yeah, it was bad, but I'm glad it's all over.  We even ate lunch with one of her ex-co-workers (I don't know where the dashes go) and it was nice to see everybody there that we know, I mean they've known us for like three years or so, they've seen us through this sucky disease.  My mom also had the new calcium-lowering thing (that took 4hrs) on tuesday but that wasn't too bad.

As for me, it's final project time for Audio Production I, so I am starting to work on that.  My project is going to be a music video of an updated version of Charlie Chaplin's Smile.  I love that song and it seemed perfect, I also wanted to somehow capture the meaning of the song while talking about cancer. To me the song basically means that although life is sometimes sucky, you should smile and know that everything will eventually be okay, which kind of helps me get through this whole cancer situation.  The support I'm getting with this project is great! :)

Other than that, ooh! Acting has been soooo soooo sooo much fun! :)))) Last class (the 5th) my scene partner and I were doing a scene and my acting teacher was like "This is my favorite!" and "You're always great! (referring to me).  Not to toot my own horn but yeah, I agree! :) Haha, jk!  Anyway, that class has really been a stress-reliever for me. I am starting to work on my monologue for the final as well, and so far so good! Also, I'm starting to plan my classes for summer and fall, so my OCD is kind of helping me in this situation except that I don't know yet if I can get this one class that is super hard to get into because all Communication Arts majors (like me) need to take it, so I'm crossing my fingers.

I think that's it for now. Hasta la pasta! (Please keep prayin'!) ✌♥☺

Thank you Volunteer Donor(s) ♥

Okay so things have been pretty crazy since I lost blogged. (Sorry if there are any typos in this post, I'm not as well-functioning as I usually am :) )  My mom had an appt. with her oncologist and he said that she was anemic so she needed a blood transfusion.  Okay, so the thing is that this last time I was more nervous than I usually am, I don't know why, I think it just gets harder.  Anywho, so the moment I saw him come into the the room I was about to fall apart.  Then the words "it's time to" totally freaked me out, I was like what is he going to say next? I had gone into panic mode, but then he followed it with "get a transfusion" so although I was still scared, it wasn't as bad as where my imagination was going.  So then yeah, yesterday, friday was transfusion day.  My mom and I really had no idea of what to expect, we were thinking maybe 5 hours or so total (for 2 units of blood).  We were wrong.  Each unit of blood was going to take 3-4 hrs plus registration plus lab afterwards.

The ending of the blood transfusion process.

The actual process of getting into the room didn't take very long so we were glad.  Once we got in there we were informed of how long the process would take and then we began the journey.  The RNs and techs were super nice.  When the blood came in and Sammy (RN) brought it, that's when it really hit me that my mom was getting blood.  It's weird, you know? They're always taking blood out of my mom and now they were putting some in.   Another thing, it's crazy to think that that person's blood is helping my mom out.  Because of the 'Volunteer Donor' my mom feels stronger and is going to get better.  I am eternally grateful for the persons' kindness  (I think there were two donors).  So thank you very much donors, wherever you are in the world. :)

The chair I was sitting on was super uncomfortable so I was thinking that I was going to pull an all-nighter.  So in the 9 channels provided there was FRIENDS (a show I will always love) and Joel Osteen (and Late Night With Jimmy Fallon/LNwJF).  I watched Joel Osteen for about an hour and it was so nice to watch something so positive at a time like that. He was talking about basically, not judging a book by it's cover, but it was so much more than that.  I have watched Joel Osteen before but somehow this time was more revealing.  He talked about just helping people in need.  Even though we may not agree with somebody's behavior we don't know the reason behind their actions and we should not judge them because we haven't walked in their shoes.  We should just help those that need someone (if that makes sense).  It was something really nice to hear at 3:30am.  Of course FRIENDS and LNwJF were also very nice to watch at this time.  I actually ended up sleeping from 6-7:45 so it wasn't too too bad.  My mom finally got discharged at around noon! :) Then we took a ginormous nap.  haha.

I am so glad this is over and I'm hoping my mom will feel better and her blood count situation improves. Thanks for reading.  Please keep prayin'! :)

One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest and The Way We Were

Okay so things have still been super crazy so... list time!

-First of all, my mom is doing okay.  She had her appt. with the oncologist this last time (well NP to be exact, Nurse Practitioner) but anyway, she only needs two injections of the shot that boosts her white blood cells! Yey! Now she also needs an injection of the shot that boosts her red blood cells but that's okay.  Her next lab is in about three weeks and it's going to be more extensive, so I'm a bit more scared about that. I won't focus on that now though.
-My aunt apparently has a carcinoid tumor in her lung so her treatment is a bit unclear but she'll be okay.
-The induction for Alpha Lamda Delta Honor Society went well. :)
-School will be over in less than two months!!!!! :) (and then it's summer class time but that won't be so bad)
-Oh, that's right, this weekend my mom and I saw One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest and The Way We Were.  The first movie was oh my goodness, amazing, super sad ending though but very very interesting, Jack Nicholson's eyebrows scare me though but he was sooo amazing! The second movie was nice, ehh, I do really like Barbra Streisand though :)
-I have been working on BILLIONS of scholarships, okay no, not really, but there are a lot (5).
-I have so much to do but I'm done with the FAFSA! (and my mom and I are done with our taxes!)
-I am looking forward to Spring Break so I can get so much stuff done. (5 MORE DAYSSS!)
-Anatomy and Acting are super interesting right now. Who would've thought that I would actually find Anatomy interesting haha.

*Interesting Amy fact no. 2: I love watching movies, all kinds, except for super racy ones.  I am always interested in watching new/old movies that are amazing and/or funny [suggestions are welcome :) ]*

Please keep praying guys! Thanks for reading.

Up in heaven

On my blog post entitled Hope Floats I wrote about how my mom, my mom's friend and her friend and myself all went to this charismatic thing and that it was really nice to talk to somebody that's going through the same thing as you are. She (Anita) was battling stage 3 cancer.  Even though I only met her once, it didn't take me long to realize how nice (and funny) she was.  The past chemo that she had had was very hard on her.  She passed away very suddendly.  No words can express how truly sad I am, my mom and I have been praying for her and her family and friends.  Her passing has hit me very hard because the whole idea of "I just saw her" (kind of) hit me.  My mom and I were going to visit her in the hospital today.  I absolutely hate this.  I wish there was something I could do. 

My mom won't have her pain patches until tomorrow in the afternoon, which means she will be in extreme pain, because she needs the prescription but the doctor isn't here (in town).  I guess it's just everything that's pilled up, but I'm extremely sad and angry.  This will pass, just like it always does. 

I am so overwhelmed but I feel that as time passes everything will work itself out.  Right now I'm just trying to think of other things besides anything related to cancer and death.  This thursday is my mom's appt with the oncologist, I pray that he will have good news that it isn't spreading.  Her appt with the endocrinologist (diabetes doctor) was moved to the 30th.

My aunt is in the hospital for some testing to see what they are going to do about her heart valve situation.  She will be there today and tomorrow.

Please pray for my mom,  Anita and her family and friends, and my aunt.

Overwhelmed

So yesterday was awful.  What was supposed to be just a doctor's appt turned into a nine hour stay at the hospital.  Although my mom's arm is doing better, yesterday sure didn't help.


My uncle helped us go to her doctor.  My mom got x-rays at the doctor's to see how her humerus is doing.  Apparently the humerus isn't totally connected.  The doctor suggested she go to the hospital because they have better equipment and he thought they would have to do surgery on my mom's humerus.  Of course this made my mom and me really scared because we really don't like surgeries, I personally think she's had too many (gallbladder removal, rathke's cleft cyst removal, mediport placements (2) and I think that's it), I just don't like her being "under the knife" it makes me really scared.  Anyway, so this nurse told us to go eat then head over the hospital because it would be a very long wait.


After eating, we went to the hospital and there was tons of people there.  Also, this hospital is a different one that we usually go to so it was a major change.  Fast forward three hours or so and she was in an ER room.  We ended waiting for long periods of time in between people coming in and out of her room.  We sat there, she kept repeating the horrible story about the accident.  The doctor's said that they don't know if there is cancer in her humerus and maybe that's why it was very brittle, or that maybe because of her chemo treatments making her bones very brittle (which is what I'd like to think).  That was overwhelming to hear. 


Closer to the end of her stay my mom had to get blood drawn, which because of her having skinny veins, cancer and not being allowed to drink much, was very VERY difficult.  It was horrible to see my mom in such pain,  it's moments like those that I really hate, because there is nothing I can do.  That is when I hit rock bottom.  I tried to keep her mind off of the pain, but she is the strongest, bravest person, and if she's crying she's really in pain.  It was awful. 


Fortunately, they didn't keep her overnight.  Here is the update: she has her oncologist appt this thursday, then she'll get blood drawn sometime after that, then CT scan, then her appt with the orthopaedic oncologist and then we'll see from there.  Oh and they are thinking that she won't have surgery because the bones will heal themselves. (good news! yey!)


About the car situation: the car is most likely not totaled, yey! (good news) 


Today was rough though.  I think that the more time passes the better. 
Another thing, I got scared because of my scar from my surgery on my back, it felt weird, but then my mom and I remembered what my dr said of how it would heal.  So now I'm not as freaked out.


Keep praying!
Thanks for reading.


This is a good song I've been listening to that pretty much explains how I feel: Hallelujah  by Jeff Buckley.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y8AWFf7EAc4&ob=av2e

Hope Floats

Well this past week has been kind of crazy.  Let's see. Well one night I had this really scary dream that I was diagnosed with cancer, it was extremely scary.  I told my mom about it and she was like "No baby, no" trying to comfort me.  I really hate all these cancer-related nightmares that I sometimes get.  Anyway, I haven't gotten any more scary nightmares anymore.  My mom and I went  with my mom's friend and her friend to this charismatic kind of thing at a church, it is when the Holy Spirit comes down and talks to people and makes them speak in different languages.  It was pretty interesting.  We were able to meet my mom's friend's friend, she was just recently diagnosed with Stage 3, (I think colon cancer, I'm not sure) but it was really nice to be able to talk to somebody who is kind of going through the same thing. 
Well, on a lighter note, I'm getting adjusted to college, it's kind of nice.  I won this prize thing that I entered at the mall, which is pretty cool.  My mom and I are still trying to see if we will go with this vacation kind of thing.  We'll see.
Today is Labor Day woohoo! I think that's pretty much it. 

Well auf weidersehen!
P.S. Thanks Sydney for the German spelling help! :]

Thanks for reading!

Looks like we made it

Well what a week! Let's see we'll start with the most important events. 
I went with my mom to her oncologist appt. and her blood pressure is fantastic!! Yey Momma! The doctor said that her labs look good so we are happy.  That day she got this liquidy thing to strengthen her bones (which has horrible side effects, she gets shivers and then she gets really hot) but I think that she is starting to feel better. Yay! :] It was crazy though because in the chemo room (where she was getting the liquidy thing), which was very busy, we were talking to people and their "cancer stories" (I guess you could say) and it's just like "Wow, I really hate cancer. You know?" There was this older lady from Hawaii, she was adorable, and then these two sisters, one of them getting chemo and the other one just there for support, it was really nice. Anyway, then my mom got her chemo-ish injection, which is painful, but so far it's working.  I pray that it lasts for a very long time.

My aunt also had a lung biopsy on wed. the 25, the doctors are thinking that it is not cancer but it was still very scary.  I don't want anyone else getting this sucky disease.  On wed. I had a doc appt. because of my lower back surgery over the summer, he said that the incision closed but that I shouldn't be doing anything really crazy.

Next week I will start my second week of college. :] I really enjoy choir and orchestra and getting to see new people.  I really want to be involved in theatre but I don't want to overload myself.  We'll see.  I'll keep you posted :]

Well, thanks for reading! Ciao!

:]

Tadaa!

Well this is officially my first blog post! Yepee! I'll get started right away.  Life has been pretty complicated and crazy (alliteration, haha.) since my mom's diagnosis of Stage IV Breast Cancer on June 4, 2008.  I am an only child to an only mother, it's just the two of us.  I will write about more of this later, but I wanted to start with other stuff first.  I am very random when it comes to writing so, I might jump around a bit.  Anyway, tomorrow my mom has an appt with her oncologist (one of my heroes), so this time is more stressful than the other days of the month.  I'm crossing my fingers and praying that her cancer is not spreading.  My aunt had a lung biopsy today, that was pretty scary, I was at school and I kept calling my mom to see how my aunt was doing, so far the doctors are thinking that it is not cancer, but they just need to make sure.  I'm a college freshman so besides this whole cancer shmancer thing, I'm getting adjusted to college.  My major is communication arts. :]  I think this is for now.  I'm going to eat some chicken now :] I will try to post updates at least every week :] Tata for now!

P.S. Thanks for reading!