Sunshine and Rainbows.

So I've basically been MIA for about two weeks and this is what has happened since:

I was Billy the Kidney at the National Kidney Foundation Kidney Walk in our city. 

It was such a surprise, the lady just asked me if I was claustrophobic and I said no and next thing I know, I'm in the mascot costume.  I have to say, it was one of the coolest things I've ever done.  It was amazing.  Mickey had fun watching me be a goofball.  I danced the Boot Scootin' Boogie, you know, Southern girl style, and other dances including the ever so popular Macarena and the fantastic Wobble. It was a great morning, minus the sweating.  I had work the rest of the day.  Oh goodness.

This past week has been insane.  I know I always say that but it might have well been dead week because everything and anything was due and we were having quizzes and tests left and right.  Two quizzes, a HUGE Law in the Media test, monologue, scene, LIVE Newscast (highlight of the week), filming and editing and showing my short film.  Not to mention work that weekend before.  

It was way too much that Mickey and I forgot to eat several times.  It was awful.  I'm glad to say that this is a semi-less stressful week.  Oh, you know, except for substitution forms due, community service forms soon-to-be due, graduation application soon-to-be due and registration, not to mention a quiz, a monologue, and most importantly, my mom's birthday. 

I am just all over the place.  It has slowly started to hit me that my mom won't get to see me graduate from college.  I will be the first person in my family to graduate from college and it has meant so much to me to get this far but it just is very overwhelming sometimes.  I put so much pressure on myself to do certain things that I get so stressed that my brain doesn't stop thinking.  I want to graduate Summa, just like in high school but I sometimes forget that I've got way more on my plate than I did then.  I can't believe her birthday is this friday.  I will be at work for about 2 hours but I don't know what my brain will be doing the rest of the day.  Sometimes, it just gives me flashbacks for no reason at all.  It has been over a year and a half since she passed and I feel I miss her the same as I used to, if not more.  I need a second job again and I need to look for internships.  

I know this all pales in comparison to what's been going on in the world lately and I thank God that I have my health and loving people around me.  I just pray that everything improves for everyone.  I want things to get better and for people to be happy. 

 I want sunshine and rainbows but in order to get there, there might be some thunderstorms.  

1 whole year. ♥

To say that it's been a year since my mom passed away feels like a nightmare.  I honestly intended to fall asleep way before right now, almost 4 o'clock in the morning.  I'm proud of how far I've come you know? I've learned to drive on highways, I've flown on my own, I have two jobs and go to school.  I pay my own bills, I do things on my own.  To say it's been a year is an accomplishment for me.  Yet, there is that overwhelming sadness that I feel just thinking that it in fact has been a whole year since my mom passed away.  A whole year.  365 days.  It's been 365 days since I held her hand and hugged her and it's been even longer since I last talked with her and laughed with her.

I still don't understand why she's gone.  I don't understand why she even got the disease in the first place.  Selfishly speaking, I was only 19, I was an only child, I don't really have a dad (biologically speaking, duh but he's not even in the picture), I don't have the whole package you're supposed to have when your mom dies.  You're supposed to be married, have kids, have a career.  She's supposed to be a grandmother, she's supposed to spoil your kids.  Tell you advice on how to raise them and in my case she was going to be there to walk me down the aisle.

I know that once today passes (and the 29th, the day of the viewing), things will kind of go back to normal but for the time being, I guess being a big ball of emotions is understandable.  Wanting to cry and scream is part of the package that comes with the 1 year mark.  I guess I was hoping today wouldn't be such a hard day and that's why I've been trying to avoid thinking about it but truth is, there's no avoiding today.  Ever.

I started getting body aches this past weekend and they've been coming and going.  I took ibuprofen earlier and, if you know me, you know I hate taking meds unless I absolutely need to.  My eyes were tired and felt like I had been crying for days.  I don't know if it's my body realizing it's been a year or what.  They're not allergies because those would be consistent.  All I know is one thing: I'm still alive and that's something.  I had my mom for 19 wonderful years and I'm blessed that I was fortunate enough to be chosen to be her daughter.  No matter how angry I get because older adults have their parents, I must realize that my darling mother was special enough to go to heaven sooner, a VIP I guess you could say.

No, this doesn't mean I hate the world or people whose parents are still alive, on the contrary, I feel happy for them because I know how precious that time is.  This also doesn't mean that I'm depressed and down in the dumps, I mean, I am my mother's daughter, heck, we were born tough! I guess it just means that today will be one of those harder days.  Today, is unfortunately, semi-chaotic as far as school goes but I know just need to focus on being strong and letting God take over.  I need to focus on what I have and who I have as opposed to who I don't have and what I don't have.  Count my blessings.

So here I go about to attempt to go to sleep and wake up in 5 hours to finish stuff.  I will pray my heart out for strength and for my mom to be with me as I face today, especially tonight.

Most importantly, I just wanted to say one last thing:

I love you mommy.

Numb.

One year ago today (Sept. 16, 2011) my mom and I were basically told she was dying.  We didn't know how long she had but we realized her time had become increasingly limited.  I won't go into the details of this because I feel writing it will only make certain things worse. Just know that I've already told one person pretty much exactly what happened.  Here's what happened today, 2012.

I went to work at Cracker Barrel and got a good amount of tips which helped me pay for gas and buy college-style groceries and even watch Finding Nemo on 3D, which leads me to my next point.

I remember watching Finding Nemo with my mom and her friend back from middle school in Mexico, I call her my Tia Lety.  Anway, we had gotten to the movie theatre a bit late and the only spots available were a bit scattered.  I sat next to my mom and my Tia Lety sat close-by kind of.  I remember really liking the movie but that's about it.  Today some of us went to watch it in 3D, throughout the movie, I kept getting random flashbacks of my mom and how she did anything and everything in her power to make me happy.  Not spoil me, but make me happy.  She would have swam the ocean if that meant finding me.  I don't know if any of this makes sense but it all just got too overwhelming when the movie finished.

I cannot exactly described what happened except that I was breathing heavily and my hands were tingly and felt kind of like they did when my mom and I were in the hospital when we were given the news.  Everything just gave me a big flashback of everything and it became too much.  We were there with two other people and I just basically needed to get out of the movie theatre.  Mickey was a definite help as I was having an emotional breakdown right outside.  Everything became so numb.  I guess these next 10 days are just another big bulletin board reminding me every second of every day that my mom isn't here anymore and it sucks, you know? I just hit a low today but I know things will get better.  I am my mother's daughter after all.

I remember all the times when I didn't think my mom and I could do it.  That we thought, how is this even possible? And then thinking, myself, once my mom passed how I could even get back to "normal" (whatever that was) again.  And here I am now.  God really does give his toughest battles to his toughest soldiers.  I know I can do this. I know I'm not alone and I know that the worst is behind me.  I know that although a year ago today, my world was changed, that doesn't mean that I won't eventually be okay.  I will be.  I will.  Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow.  But things will get better.  They will.  I just need to leave it up to God and trust in him and everything my mom ever taught me.

So, here I embark on the next 10 days as September 26 comes.  I can do this.  I can.  I'm my mother's daughter.

One more thing, I wanted to say thank you for all of those of you who went that friday, September 16, 2011 to the hospital.  It meant the world to have people there supporting us.  Also, thank you to all of those of you who prayed for us and helped us in any other way.  I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Birthday & Family

HAHA.

So, fellow readers, yours truly is officially no longer a teenager! Whoohoo! That's right ladies and gentlemen, I'm 20! As of May 25, 2012 7:28pm I officially turned 20.  I am still in shock I think.  This week and especially my birthday were overwhelming and hectic.  I will recap it of course.

My aunt had her balloon procedure (heart) on the 24th.  She got out at around 3pm on the 25th.  She's doing very well!!! :)

So I've previously mentioned "my special someone", well, his name is Mickey, yes, like the mouse.  Well, this past week was especially tough for him and his family.  His grandmother went to heaven and this thursday and friday were the services.  I was honestly so blessed to have met her and talked with her a few times, she made me feel so comfortable.  I, unfortunately, can relate to his mom and his aunts and uncles as y'all know about my mom's passing.  The viewing was held on thursday (24th) and the burial on the 25th.  It was difficult but I feel my mom would be very proud of how I did with everything-even with all the tears.  I won't go into much detail but I learned a lot about family this week.

I've mentioned before how I'm not that close to my family.  My maternal grandmother passed away before I was born and the rest of the family (for the most part) didn't treat my mom with respect.  AT ALL.  We lived in Mexico for four years and that's where pretty much all of our family was located.  Now, they are a bit more diffused but still, we aren't close. My mom and I moved back to my hometown when I was 8 because of major family issues and we stayed here ever since.  I've been contacted by some family members (distant family members) through Facebook so it's pretty cool.  I find it interesting how things work, you know? My mom had wanted to get in touch with the family because she didn't want me to be alone and now it's like tadaa!! I don't know if this makes much sense but I'll say this.  I came to find that family is whoever treats you with respect, protects you, loves you, makes you happy and all those warm, fuzzy things.  Just because you're blood-related to someone may not necessarily make you family.  Family is much more than that.  Which brings me to my next point.

Spending this time with Mickey's family really made me happy.  Like cheesy happy.  Despite all they've gone through, they are so strong and they stick together.  They are there for each other through everything.  Even on the 25th, after Mickey's grandmother's burial, we all went to her house and they had this big family get together.  One of the many things I learned about Mickey's grandmother (during the viewing/services) was that she loved to make a bunch of food and invite everybody over to her house and just enjoy each other's company.  That's exactly what happened after the burial-which just so happened to be my birthday too.  They, get this guys, they made me a cake AND sang me happy birthday!!! It was seriously the nicest things anyone has ever done for me.  I feel like it's something my mom would totally have done! IT WAS SO NICE.  I almost cried tears of joy.  No joke.  I felt so welcome and part of the family, as cheesy as that sounds.  I absolutely love spending time with all of them and feel like my mom is so beyond happy.

This is kind of what the cake looked
like except it was much better!

The rest of my birthday celebrations were nice too.  It's kind of been like a birthday weekend.  So it's been nice.  Here was my birthday weekend in a nutshell:

Fri. May 25th-BIRTHDAY!
-Had like two hours of sleep the night before.  I have no clue why I couldn't go to sleep.
-Went to periodontist appt at 7:30am.  I have perfect teeth!
-Got a taco from local mexican restaurant my mom and I used to go to! LOVE THAT PLACE!!
-Went to burial.
-Went to family get together.
-Went to work. Got paid!
-Mickey and I went to Red Lobster.  Happy Birthday was sung to me!
-Aunt and Uncle gave me wonderful presents!

Sat. May 26th-Day after!
-Woke up 30 min. after I was supposed to be at work.  Everything was okay.  I just felt super guilty even though everything was already taken care of, they just wanted extra help.
-Ate first meal of the day at almost 5pm-with Saundra! (My boss)
-Had small get together with Brianna and Mickey. The rest of my friends couldn't make it :(

Sun.  May 27th-Two days after!
-Went to Target. Got gorgeous dress! (Mickey's present for me!)
-Went to movie theatre and had dinner theatre.  (We saw MIB 3-really good)

And it's not over!!!!

Sorry for this post being so overly long, I just had a lot I wanted to share! :)

Please pray for my aunt, Mickey and his entire family. Thank you!

Confirmation

For those of you who don't know this, I'm Catholic.  Roman Catholic, to be exact.  There is this step in one's life that, whenever they feel ready, they take.  I've just taken it.  Today! There are seven catholic sacraments: Baptism, Eucharist, Reconciliation, Confirmation, Marriage, Holy Orders, and Anointing of the Sick.  I have experienced or seen others experience all of them except for the Holy Orders which is when someone decides to be take on a religious vocation.

So here's the story in a nutshell, my mom had been wanting me to get confirmed for a LONG time because she knew I wanted to be confirmed but things just kept on preventing me from taking confirmation classes. One of the things my mom wanted me to do was to get my confirmation.  That's exactly what I did today! I've been going to confirmation classes since October, the month after my mom passed away, and I finally did it.  I was confirmed today.

I lit a candle for my sweet momma. 

Not gonna lie, it was a day full of emotions. It kind of made me think of how much of a mess I'm going to be on my wedding day, you know? I mean, today, was beautiful and amazing but oh dear, it was difficult.  What kept me going was thinking of how proud and happy my mom would've been.  She would have been so happy and she would have been taking pictures whenever she could.

It was a beautiful ceremony and everything went smoothly. Everyone was so nice.  Friends and family came out and then we went to eat.

I'm so blessed I was able to take this next step in my catholic life and look forward to living life as a confirmed catholic.

New year without her.

Not gonna lie, I've been in a slump since I've last written.  I won't make this one long because I should really be going to bed but I just need to get this out somehow.  Here's a quick summary:

-I got my dental procedure done! I had a meltdown the day of the surgery because, basically, I wanted my mom with me.  I got IV anesthesia and there were plenty of things that reminded me of my mom and so I had a meltdown.  Unfortunately, it wasn't the first one of 2012.
-It's been extremely difficult lately because there are so many things that I wish my mom were here for.  I don't think I'm getting worse, it's just different.
-I started a new semester, my fourth one, to be exact, and it just kind of hit me.  I won't go home and tell her everything about my day because she isn't here.
-There are plenty of things that just bother me because it's been over 100 days since she passed and I'm still falling apart.
-I'm having financial issues because, heck, I'm a freakin' college student! Everything is overwhelming but most of all, I miss my mom.
-So, thank you for letting me vent.  I know I'm doing okay, it's just it's very difficult sometimes.  Many good things have happened lately but it's just hard because I wish she were here to share them with me.
-So, guys, please pray for me.  I used to ask y'all to please pray for my momma but I'm scared.  Terrified, to be exact.  Of everything.  I've prayed and asked God to lead me in the right direction and help me during these difficult times.  Please and thank you.
-Let's pray this 2012 is a good year for all of us.

Everything and anything

Let's get straight to the good stuff:

-I got pretty good grades in my classes this semester, not my best grades but considering the following, I feel I did pretty well.
     -I started school living at the skilled nursing facility with my momma.
     -We were in and out of the hospital the entire time (from August-end of September, not including the summer)
     -My mom passed away close to the middle of the semester.
 I needed to make a short little list because I am way too hard on myself.  I got a B+ in my Video Production I class and it was my first, hopefully only, B+ in college.  I got two A- and the rest were A's, oh and one incomplete.  I got an A- in Beginning Acting and it's probably the grade I'm most proud of.    My GPA is 3.90 which is still pretty amazing.
-I'm really excited about the possibility of studying abroad in Italy.  I've gotten more signs from my momma so I'm hoping and praying for the best.  My aunt even wrote in her calendar the day I could possibly go to Italy.  It was really nice.  It's kind of like if we write it in the calendar, maybe it will come true.
-I've loved catching up with friends this break.  It's been really nice.  I've learned how to do different hairstyles and paint my nails differently.  Liz and I have been experimenting a lot with all that!
-I've been having lots of "moments" lately because of the holidays.  It's been difficult but they don't last that long, which is good.

-My room at my aunt's and uncle's house was just painted! I chose "Indulgent Mocha" color.
-I'm starting to decorate/organize my room a lot now so cross your fingers it looks good.
-Unfortunately, this past weekend, my boss' mother passed away.  It's just awful to know what she is feeling.  Please pray for her.
-Also, please pray for one of my high school English teacher's father, he is in hospice and, again, I know all too well what hospice is and the feelings associated with having a parent there.  Please pray for her.
-There are so many more people that I'm praying for, if I've said to y'all I'm praying for you guys, know that I am.  Prayers are very powerful, trust me.
-My adopted aunt and uncle and my aunt's sister and nephews are all gonna come down, well, my aunt and uncle are here, duh, but her sister and nephews are coming down because we will be going to a football game! It's professional football but I'm trying to keep it semi-private, you know? Anyway, we'll be there for Christmas and we'll travel a bit down and stay at a Timeshare for New Year's! I'm excited! There will be horseback riding! Interesting fact: My mom was terribly afraid of horses but was there with me when I wanted to ride one.  She was seriously one heck of a woman! My grandma really liked horses and loved to horseback ride.  I really wish I could have met her.  Well, one day I will, when I'm super old and wrinkly! I want to be as strong as they were/are (in heaven) and I know I have the tools to do so.
-I'm going to try writing stuff I realize.  I know that sounds weird.  I guess maybe they're called epiphanies.  I get those every now and then but I should probably right them down.  I don't know if I'm making sense, it could be that I'm just so tired I don't make sense but let's hope I do.
-I hope y'all are done Christmas shopping! Happy Holidays!

One of the hardest/weirdest days.

Today was my mom's viewing.  I think the word I used most was weird.  I kept thinking all day "This is weird, it's just not real, it's weird" but unfortunately it is completely real (Stage 1: Denial) One good thing that kept me going all day was just the strength that I've found I've had/gotten from my sweet momma.  Of course though, when we got there (my aunt, uncle and I) and we set up the music and stuff and I CD played the two songs my mom wanted. OH DEAR, waterworks.  Yeah, I broke down twice before everybody got there (medium kind) and then a little at the very end of everything.

Not to toot my own horn but the collage I made is SO AMAZING, she would have been very proud.  I also displayed a Mother's Day present I gave her [Reasons Why You Are An Amazing Mom] and a graduation present I gave her thanking her for everything she had done for me.  People kept complimenting me concerning that and I was very glad they liked it.  I also made a little powerpoint that I had at the front.  I did take pictures of everything around my mom, not my mom because I wanted to remember her in better days but the setup of everything was really nice.  I'll show y'all pictures later, they're in my aunt's camera and she doesn't have a connector USB thingy but for now, here is a picture of the carnation I brought from my mom's viewing.

Here's a quick recap of the day:

-Woke up SUPER tired after getting 4hrs of sleep.

-Ate some food my uncle brought (chicken nuggets)

-Headed to my mom's viewing.

-Arrived and set up everything.  (Got a little emotional)

-Around 2pm people started coming and going.

-It was really nice seeing people come and support my mom (in spirit) and me (on earth, of course). It was nice to see old friends and see family again.  

-I wasn't that overwhelmed.

-People were VERY supportive.

-I ate some Burger King with friends at the funeral home's breakroom.

-The Rosary started at 7pm.  

-Pastor Michael gave a wonderful speech.

-I spoke and didn't fall apart!

-My mom's friend and coworker, Sylvia, gave a wonderful eulogy/speech.

-My Aunt Estelle gave a beautiful speech and even got choked up [I've never in my life seen her cry]

-People were leaving and saying bye, I got some numbers and emails and such and even found some on Facebook!

-Left with my aunt and uncle and friends (to be dropped off at dorms) and got home to look at all the wonderful gifts from friends and family. 

-Tomorrow we will go back to the funeral home to pick up the flowers and donate them and then we'll get financial stuff settled and maybe go to the new apartment.  

-I have an appt with a counselor at school on Monday.

-Teachers have been very understanding.

(I'm probably missing out on a lot of stuff but I got the highlights)

"If I'm half the woman, mother and friend she was, I know my life will be a wonderful one"

 (or something of that sort)

Please pray for my Aunt Mimi that the cyst on her kidney is benign. 

Thank you!

The first 24.

So, some of y'all may have heard/read that my mom passed away yesterday [Sept. 26] night making this the first of my new kind of blog posts.  I won't be talking as much about cancer, disease, death, chemo, hospitals, skilled nursing facilities.  I can almost hear the relief in y'all. JK. So here is what I think is important to know.

The last few days of my mom's life weren't the best.  I had a feeling yesterday that it was time.  I won't go into the details because I don't want those to be the ones I remember her by but I'll say one thing: I was holding her hand when it happened.  I thanked her several times for being MY MOM, and for being such a great one and that I would make her proud and that everything would be okay.  This experience has been the BIGGEST life-changer in my life.  I feel at peace.  Yes, I do get sad at times but it's wonderful to know my mom is having a blast in heaven with my grandma, my great-grandpa and all my other brothers and sisters.  I do wish she would come in my dreams though, that would be awesome. I am not even as depressed or sad as I thought I would be and I'm very proud of myself for that.  So, with that being said, here is what I did today.

Now that I will be living with my aunt and uncle (my mom's friends of more than 30 years) I will have to get used to a new lifestyle.  One of them being, my aunt doesn't cook. At all. I can though! Well, anyway the cooking will come later but she likes going out for breakfast the majority of the time. So today we were looking for a restaurant to get breakfast that I would likely never go to again because I didn't want depressing memories.  Then we ate there.  After that, my aunt and I went shopping for my mom's "viewing clothes".  Then at 3pm we had the appt with the funeral director.  That was weird but…and here is sign number one from my momma.  My mom used to play the mandolin and I played/will play the violin.  About 10 seconds after we arrived there we saw (in the flower shop inside) two statues: an angel playing the mandolin and an angel playing the violin!! Crazy right? So we will have those in the chapel at the funeral home. I won't go into great detail with everything else but let me just say that it is going to be beautiful. After that, my aunt, uncle (who had gone to the funeral home also with us) and I all went to Olive Garden. [I had Seafood Alfredo…YUM!!!].  Anyway, after that we returned to their house and then later we saw Parenthood.  I was able to convince them to watch it!

Things have not been so bad.  My aunt and uncle and friends and family have been so supportive.  I wanted to thank y'all for supporting me during this time.  Alex, if you are reading this, thank you for everything. My aunt wants me to get my new room decorated to my liking which is very nice.

I'm getting sleepy but I just wanted to say thank you all for all the prayers and everything.  I will try to blog pretty frequently to not hang on to anything.

Never the same again.

I am going to make this quick but I just wanted to update y'all and get this out of my brain.

We are in hospice.  Well, technically my mom is in hospice, but when it comes to us, everything is "we" so, we are in hospice.  Hospice is a place were people that are extremely sick go to get extreme comfort care.  No chemo, no other medicine to help anything, except for pain and anxiety, and no other treatment is given here.  Friday, September 16 was when we found out.  I won't go into detail because I'm too overwhelmed right now. I am writing this so I could ask y'all to please pray for my mom as well as me.  I usually only ask for prayers for my mom because she is fighting this sucky stage IV cancer but now, from now on, it will only be me left in this tiny family of ours.  So that is why I need y'alls prayers too.  Her body is too tired of fighting, that's what the oncologist's nurse practitioner said.  We moved to the hospice unit on the 19th.  Things have slowly declined.  When we found out on friday, they told us they basically don't know how long she has.  I'm writing this as I'm praying and hoping that today is not her last day with me.  I miss her already because she has been sleeping pretty much since tuesday/wednesday.

So, please please pray.  Thank you.

Out.

My mom recently got platelets because her platelets were EXTREMELY low.  My mom called me when I was on my way back from school and said that they were going to send her to the ER and of course I went into freak out mode.  The worst part was that she told me that they told her that at any time if she started bleeding, she could bleed very rapidly and wouldn't be able to stop.  She then had to call somebody from the oncologist's office but in the meantime I was calling her.  With our cell phones if a person is calling a person who is already on a call, that person has no way of knowing they are on the phone already.  Basically, I had no idea she was on the phone talking with somebody so here I am in the car waiting for her to answer and my mind/body/everything basically starts exploding.  This may be a bit personal but I rather get it out than keep it inside, but I started crying and screaming in the car because I thought everything was over.  I was having a meltdown.  Whenever something really bad happens my hands get cold, clammy and numb and my chest semi, kind of tightens.  It's pretty overwhelming.  In the midst of my meltdown I got a call from the social worker [LADY I STRONGLY DISLIKE] saying that my mom was okay but she was on the phone with someone else.  I thank God my mom asked her to call me because it was horrendous.  Anyway, I got to my mom right as they were taking her to the ER.  Long story short, they didn't have to admit her and they just gave her the platelets in the ER.

Really quickly:
We finally moved into the new apartment on Tuesday.  It was really overwhelming, hot, frustrating, crazy and I'm glad it's over.

Goodbye apartment.

So, with that being said, today I turned in the keys to the apartment.  I thought it was going to be so easy, I mean, you just go and hand them in, not that hard right? Wrong.  As soon as I got in the car after giving them the keys I started crying. We moved into that apartment close to 10 years ago.  I know, that's a VERY long time.  We went into that apartment happy, carefree.  My mom was working at the daycare where I went to.  I started playing the violin and practicing there.  We celebrated holidays there.  We slept for 1 ½ days straight after our trip to Virginia in the summer before my 7th grade.  We came back there after our amazing trip to New York.  We also had restless nights in there.  We barely slept the night before my mom's brain surgery.  We came back there and cried our eyes out after my mom's diagnosis.  We dealt with my mom's broken arm after the accident there. [[Which reminds me, I drove by the accident site thinking it would be okay since it's been close to a year since the accident.  It most definitely was not okay.  I bawled my eyes out.  Lesson learned.]]Lastly, that's where my mom broke her femur.

It's difficult to realize that we won't ever be there.  We went into that apartment happy and healthy and we are coming out of it not as happy and definitely not as healthy.  It's sad, you know? I pray that in this new apartment better memories will be made.  Which brings me to my next point.

We were just told that because of my mom's insurance she is no longer allowed to stay at the skilled nursing facility.  Basically, we don't know where we are going to be tomorrow.  I'd like to consider myself a spontaneous girl but I don't feel that way when we are talking about my mom's medical needs.  They told us that it would be unsafe for her to go to the new apartment because she would most likely end up in the hospital with three days.  Nice, sweet, positive thoughts right? But if we go to the other option (nursing facility) the financial aspect of it would be very difficult to take care of.  Basically, option A is bad and option B is bad as well. Please pray for us.  Please pray that we can find a way to work everything out and that my mom feels good.  Please pray that this cancer isn't spreading and that she can have chemo again.  Please pray for my mom.

Thank you.

Monologues

Okay so I finally found my monologues!!! I found them maybe like three days ago. I was surprised at how fast I was able to memorize the first one.  [GO AMY!] It's pretty cool. I really wanted to share them with y'all so here they are (they are just a little snip bit of each monologue):

……………………………………………………………………….
Look Back in Anger 
ALISON
DRAMATIC CONTEMPORARY

"It doesn't matter! I was wrong.  I was wrong! I don't want to be neutral,  I don't want be a saint.  I want to be a lost cause.  I want to be corrupt and futile!
(Her voice takes strength, and rises)
Don't you understand? It's gone! It's gone! That-that helpless human being inside my body, I thought it was so safe, and secure in there.  Nothing could take it from me.  It was mine, my responsibility.  But it's lost.
(She slides to the floor)
All I wanted was to die.  I never knew what it was like.  I didn't know it could be like that! I was in pain, and all I could think of was you, and what I'd lost."

An Ideal Husband
MABEL CHILTERN
COMEDIC CLASSICAL

"And then Tommy is so annoying in the way he proposes.  If he proposed at the top of his voice, I should not mind so much.  That might produce some effect on the public.  But he does it in a horrid confidential way.  When Tommy wants to be romantic he talks to one just like a doctor.  I am very fond of Tommy, but his methods of proposing are quite out of date.  I wish Gertrude, you would speak to him, and tell him that once a week is quite often enough to propose to any one, and that it should always be done in a manner that attracts some attention."

……………………………………………………………………….

What do you think? It took me forever to find them.  I know the first one is pretty intense, but there are a couple of reasons why it is so perfect.  One: my mom almost named me Alison, it would have been spelled Allyson though, but yeah, she almost named me Alison.  I came to her in one of her dreams and told her that "It's me mommy, Amy, Amy Cassandra". Yeah, pretty cool.  Two: my mom had I believe four miscarriages before I finally came into this world.  So this monologue is very personal.

For the second one, I found it pretty funny because although it is classical, I feel like I would totally say some of the things Mabel says.  I feel I can play around with it too.

I'm so excited to perform these monologues.  I can't wait.

{My mom is doing okay right now so please keep praying guys! Thanks!}

Change.

I will start with the not so wonderful news and then end with pretty nice things.

As I mentioned in earlier posts, my mom is in a skilled nursing facility.  Here's a quick summary of what's happened since I finished my first year in college:
 -May 8: Mother's Day. Mom is admitted into hospital at around 5am because she wasn't doing so well.  She had pneumonia, an infection, her platelets were weird, she had low red and white blood cells.  She stayed in the hospital until the 18th.  On the 16th, she tore a tendon on her right arm.
 -May 23: Two days before my birthday.  My mom fell and broke her right femur (thigh).  She was rushed to a different hospital than we're used to because they specialize in orthopaedic surgeries.  She had her surgery on May 25 (my birthday) and then on the 28th-ish she was transferred to our familiar hospital to get therapy. My mom was there until June 10 when she was transferred to this skilled nursing facility where she is getting therapy.

Here's the story: My mom was talking with the therapists here and (like her orthopaedic surgeon had said) they feel it isn't the best if she ever walked again.  She fell and broke her femur once because her bones are so weak, what will prevent it from happening again? This is all as a precautionary measure, we don't want her to break anything else, so it's best if she doesn't walk again.  I was out at this time and my mom just told me this. Now of course, I don't want my mom to break anything ever again but it's like "Wow, things have really changed." It just hit me, my mom's bones being so brittle is because of chemo and radiation. She was diagnosed June 4, 2008 and since then she's been constantly on something until now because of this whole broken bone thing.

1995

I guess what I'm trying to say is I miss when things were easier.  When my biggest worry was what I was going to wear to school or that one really hard test.  Now it's like, how is my mom going to get in the car? What's it going to be like when I go back to school? DNR or DR (because her bones are brittle)? Where do we move (because we need to, because we can't have steps in our apartments)? How are we going to pay for this? What is going to happen with everything? What is going to happen to my mom? What does our future look like? I try to take things one step at a time but sometimes it's like I'm drowning.  I just wish things were just like they were when I was in 5th grade or something.  Those days were easier.  I guess, it's just part of growing up.  You'd think I'd get used to this whole cancer situation since age 16 when my mom was diagnosed, but it just gets harder and harder.

Thank you for letting me let it out.
Now for the nicer news.

I mentioned that my Aunt Estelle gave us her Wii. Yesterday my mom and I played with it and it was really fun.  The bowling helps her left arm get stronger and I have been playing the boxing games (also on the Wii Fit Plus) which helps me get all my anger out. The Wii Fit also helps me get my energy out.

Also I start my PE class this coming weekend.  9am-12pm.  At least it'll help me get rid of all that grossness the hospital food gave me. ha.

Another thing!!! My mom's pain medication schedule is fixed!!! (I just found this out.)

I pray that everything gets just a tad bit easier and thank God for still having my mom here with me.  Please pray guys. Thank you.

Blessed and hopeful

Okay readers.  Things have drastically changed since I last blogged. Here's the summary because frankly, right now, I'm all about moving forward and improving from now on and I’m falling asleep but I felt like I really needed to blog because it’s been tooooooooooooo long.

So, Monday my mom fell and broker her right femur (upper thigh area), I was with her and so I called 911. Probably one of the worst experiences of my life.  I felt like I wanted to scream.  It's weird because this one lady and her son were looking at my mom and I told them "Please stop staring, she's my mom." Now that I look back on it, it's like "what the heck where you thinking Amy? They could have easily gotten violent on me, but thank God they didn't. So anyway, we got to the ER and the whole process was painful.  We were at a different hospital because of the opportunities available there for my mom. 

Anyway fast forward to Wednesday May 25…my mom is scheduled for surgery and it’s my 19^th birthday.  That day was definitely one of the worst days I’ve ever had in my life, except for the way it ended.  I won’t go into a great deal of depth but the surgery took twice as long as expected because basically, cancer got in the way of the rod that was going to be put in, so that was fixed but in the meantime I was having a meltdown in the waiting room.  I thought it was all over.  That’s why when I saw my mom, even completely asleep, I was so relieved and felt so blessed to see my mom alive and to be able to have her say “Happy Birthday” to me.  It’s crazy because I was born at 7:28pm and that was the time that I was REALLY falling apart.  Anyway, thank God that’s all over.

I am going to wrap this up because I’m falling asleep but I just wanted to update y’all.

So here’s a quick little list:

-My mom’s therapy has been challenging but she’s improving

-We don’t know how long she’ll be here (in rehab aka physical therapy)

-She’ll start chemo back up again once her scar and everything has healed which they are thinking might be about 4 weeks. (I pray it will be less)

-I know I’m missing a lot of stuff but I’m falling asleep because it’s been a very long day.

-P.S. Today was my first day out of training for my chapel job. (It went well)

-I’m staying with my mom in the hospital.

P.S. I got a tumblr because I thought it was something interesting I could do while in the hospital.  

soo here it is: www.acassandraz.tumblr.com

Here is the view from my mom's current room.

Please pray everything improves. 

I will try to write sooner.


Another thing, tomorrow is the third anniversary (I guess you could call it) since my mom's diagnosis.  Please pray she has many more years here with me.
Thank you.

Please and Thank You

Warning: This blog post may be depressing to some.  These past few days have been severely overwhelming.  I mentioned in another blog post about being an only child and it just being my mom and I at home.  It is moments like these that I really want an older sibling.

So I don't think I've ever mentioned this before but the summer before 6th grade my mom had a brain surgery to remove this benign tumor (Rathke's cleft cyst near her pituitary).  This was a very difficult time for the both of us but the thing is that when I was about to start 6th grade I didn't really realize the severity of the surgery.  One scene sticks out in my mind: My mom and aunt sitting in the front of my aunt's car and my mom being on the phone with a lawyer and crying.  She was writing her will.  I sat in the back seat looking at her and now that I think of it I didn't really cry until a couple of years later when it all hit me, basically when I "woke up" I guess you could call it.  Anyway, my mom has been wanting to get her will situation fixed because she feels it as a way to be like "now you can't take me" and I kind of agree with her but I hate dealing with this.  I went to Office Depot a couple of weeks ago to pick up the standard forms and it was really weird the package even comes with a CD, I don't know, it's weird.  My mom asked the people at the oncologist's office if they knew of any lawyers that could handle these things and we got some numbers but we haven't contacted them.  This is relevant because like I said things have been really overwhelming lately.

My mom just finished taking her pills for her infection and to raise her potassium yesterday so we were glad about that but she has been feeling weird lately.  She has been really tired and hasn't been keeping her food down.  I always push for her to eat more meat because I feel it is really important to have protein because she needs energy but I don't want to stuff food in her face. You know? I know she still wants to continue fighting but I don't know what else to do.

This is where it gets really depressing: Today was especially tough because she was feeling really drained and wasn't sure if she was going to make it.  She felt that she was getting in my way and then I started crying and telling her that I would be lost without her.  I know this is horrible.  Last night apparently she had this super vivid dream that she had told me to make a quick list for the will but she didn't tell me this.  We started getting worried because it was almost like "what is this a sign it's all over?" and then I broke down and well the rest is the same as it's been before, I started bawling like a baby and screaming into my pillow.  I am not giving up but I get so angry sometimes.  I know this sounds ridiculous but sometimes I just look up and ask God to just work with me.  I tell him to keep her here longer because he knows how much I need her and to just work with me and give me strength.

Another thing: I mentioned in my last post that I was sick and I think I have finally gotten over this cold. The thing is that whenever my mom is on chemo we have to be especially careful to not get her sick because of her low blood cell count (white and red) and this got me really mad because I usually have a really good immune system.  So pretty much this entire time I have had to stay a bit far away from her and wear a mask (like a doctor) and it's like the worst time because I just want to hug her and know that I am really not alone.  I know I am not but I need her, I mean, come on, she's my mom.

I have been praying to God to please keep her here with me longer and thank him.  I would deeply appreciate any prayers that this chaos of my mom's disease/situation calms down.  I want her to not be in pain and feel strong emotionally, at least.  Please pray that tomorrow for mother's day she will have a better day and that she will continue to get better and that this chemo controls the cancer.

Please and thank you.

We Meet Again

Well hello dear readers.  Today is a better day.  Today is my mom's first day of her pain patch, which means that her pain is under control for the most part. Yey! Yesterday she had the new kind of chemo, it was kind of weird though because it was more like a push...? Like a chemo push...? I am not sure. So we are of course praying like crazy that this chemo works.  Interesting fact: this new chemo was like just approved by the FDA in 2009 or 2010 so it's super new.  I'm praying it works.  She will have her second round of the chemo this coming thursday.  Oh! My mom's birthday is this tuesday!!! She's a taurus.  You know what sucks though? She is going to need to get lab that day, but I'm hoping it won't be painful.

If you guys use facebook, I would truly appreciate you guys "liking" the page: Please pray for Amy's mom , thanks!

Another thing: I wanted to personally thank Alex for writing that wonderful post, it really meant a lot.

Okay so other news: I had mentioned in my last blog post that I didn't get all of the classes I wanted but it turns out that they added that one class I needed so I do have all the classes I wanted! Yey! I also got a haircut today, it feels good, it's shorter but it's perfect! I only have to go to school 8 more days! It's crazy to think that I'm almost done with my first year of college.  Oh and I'm done with my Anatomy & Physiology I Lab! Freedom!

I think that's it for now.  Thank you guys for all of your support! Please keep praying! ✌♥

Totally random: I am listening to Somewhere Only We Know by Keane and oh my goodness, I just love this song! Listen to it guys! (I first heard it in the movie The Lakehouse with Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves and it's so sweet!)

It always rains the hardest on the people who deserve sun

Dear readers I am writing this as a way to let it all out, or whatever is left.  Warning: this blog post may be depressing.  Thursday was my mom's oncologist appt.  I knew something was off when he came in because we had just seen him and we usually see him every 4 appts.  He came and his face was not his usual one and that's when I went into shock mode.  He said that the CT had revealed that there is a "shadow" on my mom's liver, which meant that the chemo wasn't working.

I am not going to lie to you, I feel numb.  I feel like we are in just one nightmare, beside the one we were already in.  I am not feeling the most positive thoughts because sometimes it just feels good to let it all out and get my frustrations out.  I am not the kind of person that gets mad easily or even frustrated easily but I have hit rock bottom.  I know things could get worse and are worse for other people but the thing is that this is my mom, this is much harder to deal with.  She is the strongest person I know and she is the most loving person I know and she doesn't deserve this.  That's when I usually get furious because I can't do ANYTHING to make her cancer disappear, I can pray (which I do) and believe positive thoughts and everything but it's like, that's not going to make her cancer disappear and that's what makes me so angry.  I absolutely hate this disease.  These past couple of days have felt like a rollercoaster.  Usually I just get super tense right before my mom's oncologist's appt and if we get bad news I usually can bounce back and think positively within the next day but with this last appt that isn't the case.  I have cried probably 5 times a day in the past 2 days and that is just not normal for me.  Whenever I start to think I'm getting better, it's like "bring on the waterworks again".  The thing that makes me so furious is that it is now in an organ and it devastates me.  I am an only child to a single parent.  That's it, there are no brothers and sisters, and definitely no (good) dad (long story).  We aren't very close to our immediate family because of family issues in the past (long story again) so it's like "Really? Now this? Apparently a Stage IV diagnosis was just not enough right? Hey! Let's make it spread. "

This is getting close to the time of finals as well so that's like twice the normal stress level of school that I usually have. I registered for summer and fall classes and that was more stress. I got all of the classes I wanted except for 1 which isn't that bad, so that's good.

I sometimes wish (sorry this is going to sound super depressing) that we could just go to sleep and wake up when it all gets better, and if doesn't then we just shouldn't wake up.  I know this is super negative thinking but sometimes it's just like, enough is enough, there is just so much two people can take.  The (horrible) irony of this whole situation is that my maternal grandma was also diagnosed with cancer (way before I was born, I never met her unfortunately) and she was also a single mother with an only child (my mom) and so we've got this whole deja vu thing, except that my mom was in her early 30s when my grandma was diagnosed.  It's just like, this is NOT FAIR AT ALL for my mom, like it wasn't hard enough for her to go through the nightmare she went through with my grandma and sucky cancer but now she's the one with it and it's got to be Stage IV, no, they couldn't have diagnosed her when it was Stage I or II or even III, no of course not, that would have been easier.

I used to be the person that would look forward to the future but now I hate thinking about it.  I tend to focus now on how we lived before this ;LASDKFAOSIH ET disease (that was my anger talking/typing).  Right now, as you maybe can tell I'm going through my anger stage, earlier I was in the frustrated stage and earlier I was in the sad stage.

I will leave y'all with this because these were happier times for my mom and me.  This was at my birthday party I think when I was 2...? I am not really sure.

P.S. Just please pray for this whole situation to get better and for my mom not to have pain.  Thank you.

I miss this.

The Story

Hello dear readers.  I know I have said this in pretty much every single blog but this week has been super crazy.  First of all, my mom has been having stomach pain/bloating, it's confusing so she will be having a CT scan soon, we pray to God that this sucky cancer isn't spreading.  This is the point where I usually break down, but I don't know what's been happening but I haven't broken down (yet).  I really need y'alls prayers.  Thanks.  My mom will also be having this new thing to lower her calcium given to her over 4 hours and that's this tuesday.  Please pray.

Yesterday and today I volunteered for this Choral Festival held at my school.  It was really nice to help out and see (and listen to) different choirs in the process.  That was super fun.

Of course I have to talk about this...Grey's Anatomy was especially nice this past week.  It was the music event episode and it was absolutely amazing.  Below is probably my favorite song from the episode.  Shonda Rhimes is brilliant (along with all the cast and crew) and have made my goal of becoming a television producer even more exciting.  Grey's Anatomy and Parenthood are just a couple of shows that inspire me (as cheesy as that sounds).  So anyway, enjoy this video below.  :)

*Amy fact: I love watching really good television shows.  If you know of any amazing ones, I'm open to watching almost anything,  let me know of any good ones.  :) *

Thanks for reading.  Please keep praying for my momma. ✌♥☺

Thank you Volunteer Donor(s) ♥

Okay so things have been pretty crazy since I lost blogged. (Sorry if there are any typos in this post, I'm not as well-functioning as I usually am :) )  My mom had an appt. with her oncologist and he said that she was anemic so she needed a blood transfusion.  Okay, so the thing is that this last time I was more nervous than I usually am, I don't know why, I think it just gets harder.  Anywho, so the moment I saw him come into the the room I was about to fall apart.  Then the words "it's time to" totally freaked me out, I was like what is he going to say next? I had gone into panic mode, but then he followed it with "get a transfusion" so although I was still scared, it wasn't as bad as where my imagination was going.  So then yeah, yesterday, friday was transfusion day.  My mom and I really had no idea of what to expect, we were thinking maybe 5 hours or so total (for 2 units of blood).  We were wrong.  Each unit of blood was going to take 3-4 hrs plus registration plus lab afterwards.

The ending of the blood transfusion process.

The actual process of getting into the room didn't take very long so we were glad.  Once we got in there we were informed of how long the process would take and then we began the journey.  The RNs and techs were super nice.  When the blood came in and Sammy (RN) brought it, that's when it really hit me that my mom was getting blood.  It's weird, you know? They're always taking blood out of my mom and now they were putting some in.   Another thing, it's crazy to think that that person's blood is helping my mom out.  Because of the 'Volunteer Donor' my mom feels stronger and is going to get better.  I am eternally grateful for the persons' kindness  (I think there were two donors).  So thank you very much donors, wherever you are in the world. :)

The chair I was sitting on was super uncomfortable so I was thinking that I was going to pull an all-nighter.  So in the 9 channels provided there was FRIENDS (a show I will always love) and Joel Osteen (and Late Night With Jimmy Fallon/LNwJF).  I watched Joel Osteen for about an hour and it was so nice to watch something so positive at a time like that. He was talking about basically, not judging a book by it's cover, but it was so much more than that.  I have watched Joel Osteen before but somehow this time was more revealing.  He talked about just helping people in need.  Even though we may not agree with somebody's behavior we don't know the reason behind their actions and we should not judge them because we haven't walked in their shoes.  We should just help those that need someone (if that makes sense).  It was something really nice to hear at 3:30am.  Of course FRIENDS and LNwJF were also very nice to watch at this time.  I actually ended up sleeping from 6-7:45 so it wasn't too too bad.  My mom finally got discharged at around noon! :) Then we took a ginormous nap.  haha.

I am so glad this is over and I'm hoping my mom will feel better and her blood count situation improves. Thanks for reading.  Please keep prayin'! :)

Peace and Love

Okay so things aren't that great right now.  I have had two cancer-related nightmares in the past three nights and they seem so real that they make me super depressed.  Today is my mom's last day of pain patches, which means that she is in more pain than usual because the pain patch has started to lose it's effect of controlling her pain.  It takes a few hours for the new set of pain patches to kick in so the last day is pretty sucky (which is every three days).  I know this is sounding super depressing and probably not the best way to start off this post but it's just one of those days.

Peace and love (found it online)

Everything hasn't been that wonderful lately.  I pray that everything in Japan gets better and really that everything gets better.  As cheesy as this sounds, I want world peace, happiness and health.  I know major dork moment, but it's just like sometimes it just hits you, you know? I am the kind of person that doesn't use the word hate a lot, but there are just some things that I do hate, like death, sickness, pain, pretty much anything depressing.  I just want everything to get better.

Like with my mom right now, today was a sucky day, but the thing is that she'll hopefully feel better tomorrow and then it's going to be like, "Gosh Amy, you don't have to worry" but then it's time for the labs and then her oncologist appt. and then BAM! fears are back, stomach feels messed up and then it gets better and then again horrible.  It's just... I don't know.

I'm trying to be positive and have faith but it it's like in moments were I feel so helpless and mad everything just feels so overwhelming.

I will try to end this blog with something not depressing:

It's Spring Break so I have been working on scholarships and homework and other stuff, so I'm glad that I don't have to go to school this week.  I am getting closer to getting my teeth situation fixed, so I'm glad about that as well.  Ummm...I think that's it.

Thanks for reading and helping me get this out of my brain.
Please keep praying.