Rockin' Birthday in Heaven!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR MOMMY! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! 

ESTAS SON LAS MANANITAS QUE CANTABA EL REY DAVID.  HOY POR SER DIA DE TU SANTO TE LAS CANTAMOS A TI.  DESPIERTA MAMI DESPIERTA, MIRA QUE YA AMANECIO. YA LOS PAJARITOS CANTAN LA LUNA YA SE METIO. 

(Sorry for the lack of tildes and accents)

Happy Birthday Mommy! 

I hope this birthday is freaking fantastic! As you know, there have been plenty of things going on.  Some good, some really stressful but I think I'm still doing well.  I registered for classes for the last time (undergraduate)! I remember registering the first time at home and not knowing anything about it and now, thanks to your help and God's, here I am, about to graduate in about 224 days! 

I can't begin to thank you for everything you ever did for me.  I won't go into detail because that would go on forever but just know that everything was appreciated.  I loved spending all those birthdays with you and celebrating them like we did.  I know you must be having a blast in heaven, now that you've been there for a while, and once again, say hi to everyone for me and also to any famous people.  I know you must have found Gypsy, she missed you.  I hope there's plenty of good food and fun. 

 Have fun baby, I'll be okay today.  Don't worry. 

 I'll be occupied and surrounded my love.  

PS Thank you [and God] for Mickey.  I'm so glad y'all met.  

Love, 

forever your daughter, 

Amy

Some stuff I learned from you ❤

How to be loving

How to be fearless

How to be the most amazing mother

How to enjoy life

What love is

How to live

How beautiful one's soul can be 

& so many more it would take me forever to write out. 

Stunning young woman.  

She knew early on how to make me smile and laugh. 

She is my role model.  

Happy Birthday baby! Have a rockin' birthday in heaven! 

I LOVE YOU!

Growing Inspiration

I've been meaning to blog for a very long time but things keep getting in the way. So here are just a few things that have occurred that haven't been mentioned are very worthy to be put in this blog.

I have now officially closed my old bank account.

Can you say "grown up"?

I had switched to Chase but needed to get stuff settled with my older bank

I had been using this old bank since I was about 16 years old and it was bittersweet to close that account when it feels like yesterday I was there with my mom and my aunt.

I have to admit though, it was nice to switch to Chase and start new. It felt amazing.

Mickey and I attended a gala at our university for our Comm Arts dept!

I assisted with several things, it was insane but in the end, it was wonderful!

Mickey has a job with the radio station on campus!! So proud of my talented man!

I helped set up this promotion event with one of our local tv stations! :)

Just a few Comm Arts peeps!

I got a full-length picture of what I wore! (Which was the same outfit I wore for Valentine's Day!) Hoorah! A picture was taken! And yes, I'm an outfit repeater. Lizzie McGuire and I share that. ;)

Also, I've come to the conclusion that because my college career is nearing it's end [Yikes], I'm starting to feel overwhelmed and pressured about my future. I had mentioned it a while ago but I feel like I haven't found my niche. Lately, I've been seeing lots of talented individuals go on to further their careers by enrolling in grad school and doing so much. 

I hate to admit it but I compare myself to people and I sometimes feel like I'm not doing enough. Like, I'm not where I think I should be. Granted, I shouldn't beat myself up but I can't just keep thinking this without doing something. 

So, I know that my schedule is crazy busy but I have consciously started to make an effort to be better at everything. To improve on everything. I'm going to try harder and harder because I know what I want for my future and I know that it'll take work but it will be so worth it. 

I found this quote that I absolutely fell in love with by Maya Angelou.

"I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. 
 Life's a *itch.  You've got to go out and kick a**."

I mean, dang! Ain't that the truth. I want to be THAT girl. 

Tomorrow's schedule:
{class}
{Sports broadcast-Yours truly is one of the anchors!}
{Big Law and the Media test...dun dun dun.}

And come thursday evening...
spring break. spring break. spring break. 
!!!!!

Excitement awaits. 

NYE, Resolutions & New Blogger in Town!

So, I'd like to start this blog posts by wishing y'all a 

HAPPY 2013!

Whoohoo! I can't believe how fast 2012 flew by.  I'm certainly 

glad 2013 is here and I'm excited for the future.  

Here's a recap of my New Year's Eve!

I woke up and took about 2 hours to exercise, take a shower and get ready. The whole shabang.  

Once I got to Mickey's house we played Wii and watched movies.  

{Side note: My mom and I had this tradition of watching a movie

 in the evening every NYE and so Mickey and I decided to keep that tradition going.}

So we watched two movies actually: 

The Kids Are Alright (his choice)

New Year's Eve (my choice)

Both were good but NYE was a bit of a disappointment, we already came up with a plan of watching When Harry Met Sally next NYE! I LOVE THAT MOVIE! 

It was a fantastic day and it was wonderful to get to see some of Mickey's family again! I missed them so much since I was gone for a weeklong trip up to the Northwest.  And duh, I missed Mickey like crazy. 

Mickey and I rang in the New Year partially with

 New York (this time with Ryan Seacrest) and partially with our city.  

(Another one of our traditions-my mom and mine).

And then! Before we knew it we were in 2013 ringing in the new year the way couples do.  

I'm a fan.  ;)

He's just the bee's knees.

So, as far as today? Yeah, we played Wii again and burned calories! We ate and ate and ate and had a semi-marathon of How I Met Your Mother! Love that show.
{Two words: Marshmallow & Lillypad}

Lastly, I've decided on a few resolutions this year.  Last year I didn't really set
any but ended up eating healthier and losing 20lbs! I think setting
 resolutions is something important and so here are mine.

1. Be more organized.
{Mainly my room.  When I'm in school my room kind of gets all the stress and craziness I experience and so I will work on keeping it as organized as possible with the small amount of space.  I've already kept the bathroom pretty freaking amazing!}

2. Keep losing weight.
{It will soon mark a year since I've had soda! I want to continue to take care of myself.}

3. Work more toward my career goals.
{I've ventured out of my comfort zones this year and it's helped me be more confident but I want to work in my field of choice and no longer just trying to pay the bills.  I'm still working at the chapel :) but as far as Cracker Barrel, no more.  Reasons are just too long to list. Definitely working at a TV station would be good.  So that's a very important resolution to me.}

I believe these resolutions are achievable and I'm hoping 2013
will be filled with laughter, health and amazing memories and experiences! I can't wait!

***Lastly! Welcome my new favorite blogger: MICKEY! 
He likes to blog about films (his passion) and other amazing things as well! 
Check his blog out! 
 Glad to have you on board Mickey! ;)

I've got the power!

So, I will not talk about who I voted for but instead on how blessed I feel that women now days can vote.  This past summer, Mickey and I took a Women in the Media class and I was introduced to so much more information I wasn't aware of about the Women's Suffrage movement.  We watched Iron-Jawed Angels and oh my, I still remember certain scenes of it that are ingrained in my head.  It's crazy to think that there was a point in time when women couldn't vote.  That we were seen as inferior and not able to make important decisions, such as electing our nation's leaders.  So, today, when I went to vote for the second time in my life (the first time was in a small election), I realized the true blessing it was.  I was majorly excited and sported a cheesy smile as I walked in to the country club near my aunt and uncle's house.  I was in and out of there in 10 minutes! I was scared it would take too long but I went in around 10:30 am before my noon class and did my part!
It's crazy because I remember voting in the small elections with my mom and acting the exact same way so that people ten miles away knew it was my first time voting.  My mom was so happy for me! I'm so glad we were able to share that together.  I remember going with her to vote for other elections but there's a different feeling when you can vote yourself, it's indescribable.  I will treasure that moment we had together.

So, here's a bit of an update on life since I last blogged:

1. Dia de los Muertos happened.  Mickey and I went to a festival at his high school program and then we went to an exhibit.  It was all very nice.  It's weird because I don't even remember what I did last year.  I think I was still in a daze from my mom's passing.  At this event, Mickey and I touched a burmese python! It was insane!!!

2.  I have 4 projects/presentations this week.  I've completed/presented 3 of them, so here's to the last one!

3.  Halloween was fun.  Mickey and I went to Chipotle and each had ourselves a $2 burrito! It tasted so much better knowing it was only $2.  We then went to his parent's house and celebrated a bit.

4.  For my social media class I made a PSA for this organization I founded.  I've gotten such good feedback that I'm excited to continue with it for our final project! Susan G. Komen (the city organization), American Cancer Society and Lane from Gilmore Girls shared the video on facebook making me the happiest girl in the world! Mickey and I met our Congressman and even got a picture with him! Here's the link to the video and don't forget to 'like' our facebook page here!

I will attempt to continue keeping y'all updated on life and all it's happenings!

O Rome-o Rome-o! Wherefore art thou Rome-o?

Okay so Mickey and I have been super stressed about this whole study abroad situation.  Well, actually mainly me because those of you who know me know how I can be a worrywart.  So, this is no exception.

Here's a little recap:

-So apparently, I came into college with 32 hours from high school, which basically put me at sophomore standing.  Now, I'm considered a senior in college, even though this is only my 5th semester!
-Mickey and I went to talk with a teacher who basically told me I could graduate this coming May, which isn't that surprising to me because I heard about this last semester.  The thing is that many of my Comm Arts teachers kind of don't care about my minor in Theatre.  Actually, a lot of people don't, which is weird because I wouldn't be minoring in it if I didn't absolutely love it.  They only care about my BA in Communication Arts which is cool and all but I am also minoring in Theatre for a reason.
-The thing is that apparently, there aren't really that many classes that could transfer from Rome to my college here because at my current senior standing, I need certain classes that are only available here.  I was told by this teacher we saw that I would only need my History class.
-Later, Mickey and I went to talk with an advisor I've gone to since my mom passed.  She said that I could take about 3 classes that would most likely transfer here.  She reiterated the idea that she just cares about the Comm Arts stuff and another thing that people have told me since, that I could always go visit Rome.  The thing is that visiting and living in Rome are two completely different things.  She, along with Mickey, realized that I had gotten very stressed.  I've got some people telling me that studying abroad right now would be dumb and others that say do what you feel is right.  
-Here's the conclusion I've come to:

"She believed in her dreams but she also believed
in doing something about them."

I would have never even slightly considered studying abroad if my mom were alive.  Technically, I could possibly graduate this coming May but I know myself and I'm not ready.  I may take my time to do certain things but I do them in my own time.  I'm getting there but I'm not ready yet.  I need to do some more growing up.  Studying abroad would allow me to do this.  I would learn to live on my own even more than I do now.  If I could make all of this happen right now, I would feel so beyond proud of myself.  I've gotten an extra job and have cut back on expenses to make this a reality.  It hasn't been easy but I don't want to live my life with regret.  I don't want to wonder in 10 years what would have happened if I'd study abroad.  I want to look back and realize that even though I graduated in 3.5 years,  I was able to get the most out of college.  I want to live life, I want to experience as much of it as possible.  I want to talk to people of all countries, I want to explore new things.  I want to study abroad in Rome this Spring 2013 semester.

I have asked my mom for guidance in helping us during this process and I've been surprised to find her ways already working.

So, wish us luck as Mickey and I continue to embark on this adventure as we figure out how to make this crazy dream of ours come true.  I will try to keep y'all updated and apologize for the scattered nature of this post.  :)

And so it starts.

September has slowly become my least favorite month.  Here are a few reasons organized by date:

September 6, 2012: My aunt Estelle's mom passed away
September 11, 2001: We all know why.
September 14, 2010: My mom and I got in the car accident, leaving her with a fractured humerus
Friday, September 16, 2011: We were told her body was tired (we didn't know how long she had)
Sunday, September 18, 2011: Hospice came to the hospital to visit us
Monday, September 19, 2011: We moved into hospice & the last day my mom was fully conscious
Monday, September 26, 2011: My mom passed away

So, let the small venting begin.

Today (Sept 14) , two years ago was honestly a nightmare.  Here was what I wrote that night.  Here was what I wrote last year on that day, the last post before we found out about my mom's health deteriorating.  Finally, here is the post about when we got my (our) newer car, Anderson.

So, like I mentioned in that original post, that day was one of the worst days of my life.  I won't go into too much detail because I wanted to say how blessed I am.  Yes, today wasn't the easiest of days but I am so blessed to be alive.  Two years ago today, my mom and I experienced one of the worst things in our lives and we overcame it.  Today, I spent time with Mickey, went to work and spent time with my family (Aunt Mimi, Uncle Michael and David) and even met a few new people! I mean, seriously, how blessed am I?

Mickey and I are about to celebrate our 6 months this 18th of September and that's a big thing! He has been so supportive and helpful, especially this month and I'm so blessed to have met him back during our first semester in college.  I am even more thankful for him being there when my mom's health got worse.  He let me vent in Anderson and it was so very helpful.  So, Mickey, if you're reading this, because I think you are, I just wanted to say thank you, from the bottom of my heart for being there for me today.  I know that, together, we can get through this month.  <3 br="br" nbsp="nbsp"> I'm focusing on positivity and happiness and all the beautiful things life has to offer.  So please send good thoughts my way as I navigate the rest of this month.

Thank you.   

Confirmation

For those of you who don't know this, I'm Catholic.  Roman Catholic, to be exact.  There is this step in one's life that, whenever they feel ready, they take.  I've just taken it.  Today! There are seven catholic sacraments: Baptism, Eucharist, Reconciliation, Confirmation, Marriage, Holy Orders, and Anointing of the Sick.  I have experienced or seen others experience all of them except for the Holy Orders which is when someone decides to be take on a religious vocation.

So here's the story in a nutshell, my mom had been wanting me to get confirmed for a LONG time because she knew I wanted to be confirmed but things just kept on preventing me from taking confirmation classes. One of the things my mom wanted me to do was to get my confirmation.  That's exactly what I did today! I've been going to confirmation classes since October, the month after my mom passed away, and I finally did it.  I was confirmed today.

I lit a candle for my sweet momma. 

Not gonna lie, it was a day full of emotions. It kind of made me think of how much of a mess I'm going to be on my wedding day, you know? I mean, today, was beautiful and amazing but oh dear, it was difficult.  What kept me going was thinking of how proud and happy my mom would've been.  She would have been so happy and she would have been taking pictures whenever she could.

It was a beautiful ceremony and everything went smoothly. Everyone was so nice.  Friends and family came out and then we went to eat.

I'm so blessed I was able to take this next step in my catholic life and look forward to living life as a confirmed catholic.

I can't even begin

I can't even begin to tell y'all how many times I've wanted to blog but just get too tired.  So, I'm definitely glad I am able to blog! :)

-I got a 96 on my Italian II test!
-I went out of town with my friends last weekend and I had so much fun! There was this festival and everything there! I went on different rides which is so amazing because I usually don't really go on rides, even these baby ones, because I get too scared but I did it! I went on rides that scared me at first and I don't regret a thing! Thank you Katie, Dominic, Mickey and everyone else for such a fun time!
-Valentine's Day was three days ago.  It was kind of the same old kind of day for me.  Katie and I decided to go to a restaurant though because it was our "fat day" as we like to call it when we can pig out (based on this semi-diet thing) and we did but we got some awkward stares.  Haha. It was fun though because we had some GOOD food.
-We are all (for the most part) still trying to be healthy. I'm hopeful.
-My confirmation is this sunday! My mom would be so happy and proud of me. I'm glad I'm doing this because it feels good.
-I've decided to see Dr. Tucker every two weeks now, instead of every week.  Of course, a few days after I made that decision and told him, I had a meltdown, but all is well now.
-I've begun to teach conversational Spanish! At the moment I have 1.5 jobs so it's improvement.
-My friends and I are working on producing different skits and it's making me SO HAPPY. I have no words to describe how much I love acting. :)
-I've made huge strides and I'm frickin proud of myself for that.  I feel my mom is too.

New year without her.

Not gonna lie, I've been in a slump since I've last written.  I won't make this one long because I should really be going to bed but I just need to get this out somehow.  Here's a quick summary:

-I got my dental procedure done! I had a meltdown the day of the surgery because, basically, I wanted my mom with me.  I got IV anesthesia and there were plenty of things that reminded me of my mom and so I had a meltdown.  Unfortunately, it wasn't the first one of 2012.
-It's been extremely difficult lately because there are so many things that I wish my mom were here for.  I don't think I'm getting worse, it's just different.
-I started a new semester, my fourth one, to be exact, and it just kind of hit me.  I won't go home and tell her everything about my day because she isn't here.
-There are plenty of things that just bother me because it's been over 100 days since she passed and I'm still falling apart.
-I'm having financial issues because, heck, I'm a freakin' college student! Everything is overwhelming but most of all, I miss my mom.
-So, thank you for letting me vent.  I know I'm doing okay, it's just it's very difficult sometimes.  Many good things have happened lately but it's just hard because I wish she were here to share them with me.
-So, guys, please pray for me.  I used to ask y'all to please pray for my momma but I'm scared.  Terrified, to be exact.  Of everything.  I've prayed and asked God to lead me in the right direction and help me during these difficult times.  Please and thank you.
-Let's pray this 2012 is a good year for all of us.

{WFTM-last one!}: Wedding and Holiday event.

Well, I'm glad to be able to write to y'all this time because many wonderful and stressful things happened since Thursday, so I'm hoping this one will top all other WFTM posts.

First of all, trying new things.  This past Friday and Saturday I worked with the Chapel Coordinator and he is still kind of new so I was the one in charge of the entire rehearsal and most of the wedding.  My boss (Wedding Chapel Coordinator) was visiting her mom in Alabama (she's sick, please pray for her.) To start it off, the priest wasn't going to be able to go to the wedding rehearsal, so I ran the ENTIRE wedding rehearsal.  Yeah, that's right! It was amazing! I told people where to stand, when to start walking, when to sit down. EVERYTHING. I'm not the kind of person to tell people what to do out of pure fun so this was a big step for me.  I step up when no one else does, my mom used to call me the "silent leader" so this was huge for me. I was talking to at least 20 people and I wasn't freaking out!  I answered people's questions clearly and they came to me for clarifications! It was absolutely amazing.  Yes, there were plenty of bumps along the road but I am so proud of myself.

I know my mom would be so proud of me.  She would absolutely love that I'm trying new things, whether it be eating a PB&J sandwich, or being fully committed to a character and saying everything they say (even cuss words), to painting my nails a different color or making big life decisions.  My mom taught me to try new things, not to worry about the "ifs" in life and go for your goals and that is exactly what I'm planning on doing. 

Second: healing.  I had a little meltdown yesterday right before rehearsal for this one holiday event my university does to kick off the holiday season.  As the holidays get closer it might be more difficult to stay strong and not have a meltdown but that's when healing begins.  I just want to make sure to enjoy life and not focus on all the sucky moments my mom and I went through before.  She would want me to remember her by all the AWESOME, AMAZING AND WONDERFUL times we had together, and trust me, there were plenty.  I've learned that it's okay to cry but it's also okay to laugh.  There will be times when I just want to cry and there will be times when I just want to talk about nonsense. It doesn't mean I've forgotten her, it just means I'm healing.  My mom and I dealt with this disease for 3 years, 3 months and 22 days.  It's time we both have some fun and enjoy our lives.  Mine will be enjoyed here on earth until I see her in heaven once I'm old and wrinkly and hers will be enjoyed in heaven, having a blast with all our loved ones.    


Here are some wonderful quotes I found on www.pinterest.com! [Love this website].  They describe a lot of what I'm feeling and pretty much my outlook on things to come.  

Thank y'all for coming along this ride with me.   Now, to the next step: finals! Ahh! 

God Bless!

{WFTM}: That time.

I have been very successful in trying new things this week, it's amazing! Again, like before, they aren't "whoa" kind of things but I'm still proud of my improvement.  Before though, quick little story: Wednesday morning I wanted to have a taco from this restaurant right across from my school (they have the most wonderful potato and egg tacos!!!) so I went through the drive thru and ordered one and a lemonade.  As I was paying for it the cashier guy said "Oh and there's another one in there because we had another one".  It was early, so I wasn't sure I was hearing right so I said "thank you", like I always do, and then it hit me as I was driving to school.  These were my thoughts "Did he just say there are TWO tacos in this bag?" and "Nahh, why would they put two? I only ordered one." Well, my friends, there were TWO, I repeat, there were TWO tacos! I got a free taco! I think the real reason was because one of them had cheese and they usually don't put cheese in them so they just gave it to me, hey, I didn't object.  (Oh, and yes, it was delicious! I believe it tasted even better because it was free!) Back to what I was saying about trying new things, I ate the tacos in the morning so by the time lunch rolled around I wasn't that hungry.  I decided to have part of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and Sprite.  First of all, I pretty much always eat meat for lunch, I don't know why, I always do.  I haven't had Sprite for the longest time because I'm more of a Coke girl.  Another thing I tried today was parking in backwards, if that makes sense.  I always park forward and never back into a spot because I think it's more difficult.  I did it today though! My mom would be so proud.  Three new things in one week! Yey!

As far as healing, it's just been very stressful lately.  I had two big meltdowns this week so far.  One on Tuesday and one today (Thursday).  Whenever I get really down and feel suffocated, I read the list I made a while ago with all the reasons why I shouldn't be sad.  It's helped but I feel like it's just because it's that time of the year.  I love the holidays, I really do.  It's just, it's different this year and I'm scared.  Some radio stations already started playing holiday songs and this one store I was in started playing them already and it was very difficult.  I hope I get the strength to get through this time while having a enjoying it at the same time.

I still feel my mom would be very proud and would want me to be happy.  So far so good, I think.

{WFTM}: PSA

I have been working on the PSA for my Video Production and it has been very challenging.  I have overcome obstacles and I'm trying to balance so many other projects and events in my life.  I believe my mom would've been proud of how I'm handling everything.  I have not been scared to take risks when it comes to ideas for my PSA about domestic violence, if I have an idea, I try different things to get that shot I want and am not scared about the what-ifs.  It's great knowing I'm not scared to try new things.

I also wanted to mention something about my progress on the whole healing situation.  Pretty much every weekend since my mom's passing, there have been couples (at my job) who choose to have Ave Maria sung or played on the organ/piano.  I have been getting teary-eyed every single time I hear that piece.  My mom's name was Maria and one time for a violin recital I played Ave Maria, she loved that piece, it always made her cry tears of joy.  Well, during these weekends since her passing, I had cried every single time and this past weekends something happened.  I did not cry, nor did I get sad by listening to the piece! I consider this a major accomplishment in the healing department.  Don't you think? I feel I'm getting back to the normalcy again and I know my mom would've been proud of my strength too.

I still have moments where I feel like she's still alive and I'm just at school or something but then it hits me.  I wouldn't say I'm not in emotional pain but I would say I am getting closer to being the new Amy I'm supposed to be.  No longer a daughter first, but a young adult first.  I have begun making plans for the future and trying new things, however exciting or not exciting they may be but trying nonetheless.  I know my mom is looking down from heaven and smiling that wonderful way she could because she is so proud of me.  I guess strength runs in the family right?

{WFTM}: Donor and Meltdown

I have been thinking about this one decision I made recently for the past several months.  Because I am living with my aunt and uncle, I needed to change the address for my driver's license and my other ID.  While I was filling out the information online, there was a question I had encountered a while earlier.  Did I want to be an organ and tissue donor? Last time I had encountered this, my mom saw my reaction (freakout) to it and just told me that I should do whatever felt right.  At the moment, I quickly checked no because the idea freaked me out.  Well that changed recently.

A few days after Valentine's Day (2011) my friend's dad passed away suddenly, he was an organ and tissue donor.  I saw through a social networking site that her dad's organs helped at least two other people, and that's when I knew I had changed.  If I were to pass, I would want others to be helped.  The complete change didn't come into play until this week.  I put myself as an organ and tissue donor and I got my new driver's license and ID.  It is official. I believe this is a huge step.  I'm not scared about stuff as much.  I don't turn away whenever something scares me and I strongly believe my mom would be proud of me for growing up and making important decisions like this as an adult.  

As far as healing, I had an adventurous session with Dr. Tucker on Monday.  I was fine, just doing the usual recap of the prior week, you know, when suddenly, HELLO FLASHBACK.  This happens sometimes and I usually just try to think about something completely different but then we tried something else.  So I described the flashback in complete detail, every sight, smell, touch, everything.  I am glad to be able to tell y'all I have not had that flashback since! Trust me though, it was pretty bad it was like a 9/10 on the meltdown scale.  Describing a flashback completely in detail will make them not pop into your head.  

So, guys, thank you all for the good luck! It's working!

Writing for the Media {WFTM}: Baby Steps

In these blogs for my WFTM class I wanted to focus on trying new things, on not being afraid of anything, of healing and doing stuff my mom would've been proud of.  So it begins today.  I don't think it's a coincidence that today will mark a month since my mom's passing.  Technically, it will be a month exactly at around 10:22pm but there is no use going into the details.  Now, it's all about starting new and being optimistic about the future.

For those of you who know me, you know I am pretty modest.  I don't cuss, I don't wear tiny shorts, I don't  flaunt anything that shouldn't be flaunted.  Well, I've had to deal with one of these issues lately.  Cussing.  I'm not a fan of it at my age.  First of all, there is no use in cussing, if you are mad, you are mad, cussing isn't going to change anything. If you want to do something, scream into a pillow or something. As a college student I just don't feel it's appropriate.  Now, once I'm older, that's a different story.  I remember talking to my mom about cussing a long time ago.  She told me I could once I turn fifty.  Haha, I agree.  I feel I have found different ways of coping with stress or anger so there is no need for me to cuss.

The reason I'm talking about this is because I'm a theatre minor and we've been working on this one scene from Cat on a Hot Tin Roof.  All the girls (about 12 of them) were Maggies and the all the guys (about 4) where Bricks.  It's the scene where Brick is looking at Maggie in a weird way and she asks why he is looking at her like that.  It's a really good scene.  Well, there is one part of the scene where Maggie cusses, that's right, she cusses.  Therefore Amy had to cuss. What?!!! I know, I was as surprised as you when I found out I had to do this.  I remember immediately going to the skilled nursing facility and telling my mom about my worry.  She told me something obvious that hadn't occurred to me.  She told me that the moment I started saying Maggie's lines, I was no longer being Amy, I was being Maggie.  Whatever she said was Maggie's opinion, not mine.  It's so true.  I didn't feel I had much …..

FREEZE. IT'S EXACTLY 10:22PM. 

 It's been exactly one month since my mom passed.  I'm okay, I'm okay.   

Okay back to what I was writing about.  I didn't feel I had much in common with Maggie so this scene was a bit difficult.  Well, today was our midterm, we presented the scenes and *DRUM ROLL* I had to say every line.  The dreaded moment came.  I got up, became Maggie and said every line, verbatim (maybe 98% right).  Here is where I believe my mom would've been proud.  Before her passing, I would've probably tried to figure out a way to not say it but since her passing I've learned many things, one being you only live once.  What's gonna happen if I have an excuse for everything? "Oh this doesn't make me feel comfortable.  No I don't like that." I will have plenty of regrets once I'm older.  Here is the thing, I didn't hurt anyone, I wasn't mean, I was acting, which is something I love.

My mom would've been proud of me facing my fears.  Granted, it's not like I'm jumping out of a plane or anything, but baby steps right?  Another thing, I haven't cried all day today! I believe my mom would've been proud.  I feel she is.

29 Days Later.

So today has been kind of a bipolar day for me.  I've cried twice, I think, and laughed and gotten bored and  hopeful.  I don't know, I think it's because tomorrow will mark a month since my mom's passing.  I still feel like when I get out of school or work like I need to rush home or (skilled nursing facility) to tell her all the crazy stories but I don't.  I miss her.  A LOT.  I'm overwhelmed with all the added things that come when someone passes, bills, titles, payments, insurance, address change, etc. I miss her laugh, I miss the way she would make me feel better within minutes, I miss her positivity, I miss everything about her.

I sometimes find myself having flashbacks of the day it happened, especially the minutes before.  Monday, September 26, 2011 at around 10:10 things started going downhill FAST.  It's like when I stop thinking my brain jumps into that mode and it makes me upset because it happened in the past, it's done, it's over.  Nothing I experience will ever be as bad as what I've gone through.  I don't know, I'm doing well, I am but I'm just done with having all these flashbacks.  Of all the times she went to the hospital, of all the times she was in pain, of all the times I thought I was going to lose her.  I'm done.  I guess this is just a plea to my brain to stop going there.  STOP. I want to be okay again.

I don't feel her anymore.  I don't feel like she's with me anymore (spiritually) and it bothers me because I know she is.  I know she is watching me but I just don't feel her.

I guess this is what one would call a sucky day.  Tomorrow I will begin my Writing for the Media blogging about healing, about trying new things and starting new.  I will write about that for 5 weeks so be prepared for more intellectual writing from Amy.  I will probably number them or put a star to identify them from these types of posts.

Well guys, thanks for hearing me out, again, or reading I guess, let's hope tomorrow will be a better day. It should be because Country Western Dance has been especially fun lately!

Please pray for my co-worker's mom, thank you!

2 weeks.

So as of tomorrow night exactly it will have been two weeks since my mom's passing.  I am very proud of how I've been handling this pretty sucky time in my life.  Sure, I have my ups and downs, that's for sure, but as an overall package, I'd say I'm pretty normal. That's weird.  I think she'd be very proud of me too.  I miss her like crazy and still find times where I think "Oh I can't wait to tell her about this" so of course I have those moments where it's like "Hello Amy! She's gone." So, I'm just getting used to that.

Other stuff: It's been kind of hard trying to catch up on two weeks of stuff I missed, some classes it's easier, others not really but I'm getting there.  I'm getting my room here (at my aunt's and uncle's house) really pretty.  The closet is looking nice and organized and my shoes look very organized on the rack thing. It's gonna look really nice once everything is done being organized.  This past weekend was my first time going back to work and it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be, the bride was really sweet.  Can you believe she got her dress for $189? Well anyway, yeah, she did.  I have a VERY busy week ahead so here we go.  Tomorrow will be my second meeting with Dr. Tucker (counselor) so I'm interested in seeing how it's going to go. I talked a WHOLE lot last time.  I was a little chatterbox, it was nice.  Haha.

Well, I'll leave y'all with these wonderful quotes and such I found on Pinterest.
[Check that website out, it's pretty amazing].

P.S. The Second Sunday Mass in honor of my mom was very nice.  She'd be so happy for me meeting all these nuns! They are all SO NICE! She's always known that I find sisters really sweet and charming. Maybe it's a sign from my momma…?

Pink.

So, I think I've gotten into a routine or I guess you could say I've noticed a pattern in my behavior.  Since my mom's passing, I've cried about once every day.  It's sometimes the dumbest things, like today going to our local grocery store and seeing watermelon.  She loved her watermelon.  I don't know, sometimes it's kinda hard to let it out at the time that it hits me because like today, at the grocery store, it was like "aaah, where do I go?" I guess I could've gone to the restroom but my aunt was in the automated wheelchair thing so it would've been hard.  I was okay though, I guess. (That reminds me, I picked up my mom's ashes and it was probably one of the weirdest things, even as I'm writing those three words together "my mom's ashes" it feels like I'm just waiting for her to come back from someplace. It will get easier, I hope.)

Other than that, I cooked for my aunt and uncle and they loved it! I made them turkey burgers with mashed potatoes and green beans.  It was pretty good.  It was my first home-cooked meal in like 4 months.  (My mom and I hadn't been home since like May 23rd).  Anyway, my aunt and I decided not to tell my uncle that he was eating turkey burgers in fear that he would be like "no, I want real meat" so it was nice seeing him gobble up the amazing turkey burgers up I made.

I've been getting my room organized here at my aunt and uncle's house and it's really nice getting rid of hospital-related stuff.  It makes me at peace knowing my mom isn't in a hospital or skilled nursing facility or at hospice. Oh, which reminds me, I've made a "Reasons why I should not break down" list.  More like reasons why I shouldn't worry/stress/get sad but you get the idea.  It's helped me out so much
already.

I spent the night at my friend's house last night.  It was nice to do something not related to anything depressing.  We saw Bridesmaids, it was nice.  The cop was my favorite [along with Kristen Wiig and Maya Rudolph]. It was nice to hang out with her and her family is really nice as well.

This was the collage I made before my mom's service.  It was beautiful and I look at it everyday in my room.
  

One of the many flower arrangements we got.  [This one is from the oncologist's office, it was really sweet.]

The angel with the violin.
[I played/play the violin]

The angel with the mandolin I mentioned.
[My mom played the mandolin.]

The carnations we received.  She loved carnations.    

I just did these.  They aren't perfect but it's the thought that counts.  Tomorrow will be a week since my mom's passing and it just so happens that October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month.  So I've done this pink and white combo of nail polish with the ribbon because of her.

I will be going to school today (because it's after midnight; I haven't gone to bed yet) so please pray I don't have a meltdown everywhere I go.

Stage IV.

Well readers, this is what one would consider a serious post.  This morning my mom and I (before going to the oncologist) watched a bit of Good Morning America.  They showed the world television premiere of Martina McBride's song "I'm Gonna Love You Through It".  Now, here is my opinion: I know that all people fighting cancer are fighters and it's amazing that people get diagnosed in the earlier stages because that increases their chance of survival.  Here's my deal though, what happens to those who don't get diagnosed with cancer in the early stages [Stage I, II or even III]? I'm talking about those who are diagnosed with Stage IV cancer.  Like I said, it's wonderful when people get diagnosed with cancer in the early stages but I don't feel there is enough support out there for those that don't.  

This song, which is really nice, don't get me wrong, it's great for those that can relate exactly. 

She made it through the surgery fine
They said they caught it just in time
But they had to take more than they planned
Now it's forced smiles and baggy shirtsTo hide what the cancer took from her
But she just wants to feel like a woman again
She said, "I don't think I can do this anymore"
He took her in his arms and said "That's what my love is for"

The second line and third line almost makes me want to say "Well thank God, that's great and wonderful but be thankful that that's all you had to get.  You had to endure a difficult surgery and probably radiation and chemo but that's it."

The fourth line is maybe one of my least favorites. "Forced smiles and baggy shirts".  Forced smiles? Really? I'll show you a forced smile, every single time people ask how your day is and you say "fine" but you know it's not, you realize that everything is slowly dying away, day by day.  That things will slowly decline and me more painful, there will be more complications, things will happen that wouldn't have happened if she hadn't been diagnosed with Stage IV breast cancer.  Her bones, where the cancer spread, are so brittle that she will never walk again, her liver has shadows of cancer in it and she is in constant pain.  So when this line is sung it's almost like they are lucky that's all they faced.  

For the last few lines, "wants to feel like a woman again" and "I don't think I can do this anymore", it's the same kind of deal.  Feeling like a woman again after the removal of the breasts, is something that I am not familiar with but my mom has been with constant treatment since 2008, she has had at least 3 different kinds of chemo given to her at different times.  You talk about wanting to feel like a woman again, my mom and many other Stage IV survivors have to constantly deal with losing their hair.  

Finally, and this is definitely my least favorite, "I don't think I can do this anymore".  Granted, whenever people hear the word cancer and find out that they, or a loved one is diagnosed, their world crumbles. I know, I've been there.  People feel that nothing will ever be the same.  The thing is that for the people who are diagnosed in the early stages they will get better and be in remission but for those diagnosed in the later stages, their chances of ever being in remission are slim to none.  

I know I may have come off as rude but I just feel that there should be more attention to those fighting Stage IV cancer.  They shouldn't be looked at as a lost cause or given up on.  They are the true fighters that even against all odds are still here fighting.  They are the ones that when given obstacle after obstacle still manage to keep being positive.  They are the ones we need to focus on helping, not just those diagnosed in the early stages.  We need them to know that we are there for them, for the all those times that they are told that they need to switch treatments because they've stopped working or for those times when they are told that the cancer is spreading to yet another body part.  We need to be there for them just like they were/are there for us.  They need to know that we are with them fighting all odds along the way and that we won't give up on them despite the statistics.  I know that is exactly how I try to be with my mom. She is my hero and she is the bravest person I know.  She is fighting the biggest battle of her life and I admire her for it.  I just want us to spread the word in curing cancer, especially in the late stages.  

Thank you for letting me get my opinion out.  My mom will be having chemo next thursday, please pray.  Thank you all.