Sunday, January 9

one of those days

These past couple of weeks have been very hard.  My mom has been in pain more and more, any little thing can make her muscles twist, which means that she is in pain for at least 3 days.  Lately, though, it's been worse, or at least it feels that way.  She was given a different pain medication because the other one wasn't controlling the pain but this new one is oral, which I am not totally familiar with.  Yesterday was the first day she tried it and we were terrified.  I am naturally paranoid when it comes to my mom's sucky disease but her trying a new medication scared me.  I was scared that she was going to take it and it was going to zonk her out immediately, but it didn't.  It was horrible, I kept on checking on her to see if she was okay like every minute.  That's when I get angry and scared, it's like, I have to go back to school tomorrow and, as excited as I am, my mom isn't feeling well and it makes me mad because I can't do anything about it. I can't take the cancer out of her, I can't the pain out of her, I can't do anything.  Praying for her and cooking and trying to cheer her up isn't going to take this cancer away and it makes me really sad.  She was doing pretty well the first couple of weeks I was off school, but it's just these last two that have been getting worse.  This new oral medication isn't doing so well either. I am just terrified that this cancer that I abhor so much is starting to grow again.  It feels almost like it's on purpose, you know? Everything's starting to get better after the accident, school's good, my mom's doing well, and BAM! it all goes crazy! Yes, I had a break from school and it was nice to rest and all but now my mom isn't doing well at all. I am always scared that something is going to happen to her, always.  I don't want her to ever drive alone and I hate the fact that I the accident affected me so much.

Some good news: my aunt's surgery went well and she's doing fine, I got a haircut.

I just want my mom to be okay and for us to be happy again but right now that possibility seems far away.  We will eventually be okay but this is one of those lows on the rollercoaster ride (if you know what I mean).
This song pretty much describes the feelings I have (as cheesy as it sounds): Smile by Nat King Cole:

Please pray for my mom, thank you.


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