Saturday, April 16

It always rains the hardest on the people who deserve sun

Dear readers I am writing this as a way to let it all out, or whatever is left.  Warning: this blog post may be depressing.  Thursday was my mom's oncologist appt.  I knew something was off when he came in because we had just seen him and we usually see him every 4 appts.  He came and his face was not his usual one and that's when I went into shock mode.  He said that the CT had revealed that there is a "shadow" on my mom's liver, which meant that the chemo wasn't working.

I am not going to lie to you, I feel numb.  I feel like we are in just one nightmare, beside the one we were already in.  I am not feeling the most positive thoughts because sometimes it just feels good to let it all out and get my frustrations out.  I am not the kind of person that gets mad easily or even frustrated easily but I have hit rock bottom.  I know things could get worse and are worse for other people but the thing is that this is my mom, this is much harder to deal with.  She is the strongest person I know and she is the most loving person I know and she doesn't deserve this.  That's when I usually get furious because I can't do ANYTHING to make her cancer disappear, I can pray (which I do) and believe positive thoughts and everything but it's like, that's not going to make her cancer disappear and that's what makes me so angry.  I absolutely hate this disease.  These past couple of days have felt like a rollercoaster.  Usually I just get super tense right before my mom's oncologist's appt and if we get bad news I usually can bounce back and think positively within the next day but with this last appt that isn't the case.  I have cried probably 5 times a day in the past 2 days and that is just not normal for me.  Whenever I start to think I'm getting better, it's like "bring on the waterworks again".  The thing that makes me so furious is that it is now in an organ and it devastates me.  I am an only child to a single parent.  That's it, there are no brothers and sisters, and definitely no (good) dad (long story).  We aren't very close to our immediate family because of family issues in the past (long story again) so it's like "Really? Now this? Apparently a Stage IV diagnosis was just not enough right? Hey! Let's make it spread. "

This is getting close to the time of finals as well so that's like twice the normal stress level of school that I usually have. I registered for summer and fall classes and that was more stress. I got all of the classes I wanted except for 1 which isn't that bad, so that's good.

I sometimes wish (sorry this is going to sound super depressing) that we could just go to sleep and wake up when it all gets better, and if doesn't then we just shouldn't wake up.  I know this is super negative thinking but sometimes it's just like, enough is enough, there is just so much two people can take.  The (horrible) irony of this whole situation is that my maternal grandma was also diagnosed with cancer (way before I was born, I never met her unfortunately) and she was also a single mother with an only child (my mom) and so we've got this whole deja vu thing, except that my mom was in her early 30s when my grandma was diagnosed.  It's just like, this is NOT FAIR AT ALL for my mom, like it wasn't hard enough for her to go through the nightmare she went through with my grandma and sucky cancer but now she's the one with it and it's got to be Stage IV, no, they couldn't have diagnosed her when it was Stage I or II or even III, no of course not, that would have been easier.

I used to be the person that would look forward to the future but now I hate thinking about it.  I tend to focus now on how we lived before this ;LASDKFAOSIH ET disease (that was my anger talking/typing).  Right now, as you maybe can tell I'm going through my anger stage, earlier I was in the frustrated stage and earlier I was in the sad stage.

I will leave y'all with this because these were happier times for my mom and me.  This was at my birthday party I think when I was 2...? I am not really sure.

P.S. Just please pray for this whole situation to get better and for my mom not to have pain.  Thank you.

I miss this.


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