Please and Thank You

Warning: This blog post may be depressing to some.  These past few days have been severely overwhelming.  I mentioned in another blog post about being an only child and it just being my mom and I at home.  It is moments like these that I really want an older sibling.

So I don't think I've ever mentioned this before but the summer before 6th grade my mom had a brain surgery to remove this benign tumor (Rathke's cleft cyst near her pituitary).  This was a very difficult time for the both of us but the thing is that when I was about to start 6th grade I didn't really realize the severity of the surgery.  One scene sticks out in my mind: My mom and aunt sitting in the front of my aunt's car and my mom being on the phone with a lawyer and crying.  She was writing her will.  I sat in the back seat looking at her and now that I think of it I didn't really cry until a couple of years later when it all hit me, basically when I "woke up" I guess you could call it.  Anyway, my mom has been wanting to get her will situation fixed because she feels it as a way to be like "now you can't take me" and I kind of agree with her but I hate dealing with this.  I went to Office Depot a couple of weeks ago to pick up the standard forms and it was really weird the package even comes with a CD, I don't know, it's weird.  My mom asked the people at the oncologist's office if they knew of any lawyers that could handle these things and we got some numbers but we haven't contacted them.  This is relevant because like I said things have been really overwhelming lately.

My mom just finished taking her pills for her infection and to raise her potassium yesterday so we were glad about that but she has been feeling weird lately.  She has been really tired and hasn't been keeping her food down.  I always push for her to eat more meat because I feel it is really important to have protein because she needs energy but I don't want to stuff food in her face. You know? I know she still wants to continue fighting but I don't know what else to do.

This is where it gets really depressing: Today was especially tough because she was feeling really drained and wasn't sure if she was going to make it.  She felt that she was getting in my way and then I started crying and telling her that I would be lost without her.  I know this is horrible.  Last night apparently she had this super vivid dream that she had told me to make a quick list for the will but she didn't tell me this.  We started getting worried because it was almost like "what is this a sign it's all over?" and then I broke down and well the rest is the same as it's been before, I started bawling like a baby and screaming into my pillow.  I am not giving up but I get so angry sometimes.  I know this sounds ridiculous but sometimes I just look up and ask God to just work with me.  I tell him to keep her here longer because he knows how much I need her and to just work with me and give me strength.

Another thing: I mentioned in my last post that I was sick and I think I have finally gotten over this cold. The thing is that whenever my mom is on chemo we have to be especially careful to not get her sick because of her low blood cell count (white and red) and this got me really mad because I usually have a really good immune system.  So pretty much this entire time I have had to stay a bit far away from her and wear a mask (like a doctor) and it's like the worst time because I just want to hug her and know that I am really not alone.  I know I am not but I need her, I mean, come on, she's my mom.

I have been praying to God to please keep her here with me longer and thank him.  I would deeply appreciate any prayers that this chaos of my mom's disease/situation calms down.  I want her to not be in pain and feel strong emotionally, at least.  Please pray that tomorrow for mother's day she will have a better day and that she will continue to get better and that this chemo controls the cancer.

Please and thank you.