Thursday, November 24

Letting it all out.

I probably shouldn't be writing this this late in the night/early morning but it's just hit me.  I guess, just more, that my mom will not be present at this Thanksgiving.  I just caught up with all the Grey's Anatomy episodes and there were too many things I could relate to.  There are plenty of days where I feel she's still alive.  I want to call her during lunch or I want to tell her about my day.  Today, we went to the new apartment to get stuff in boxes and such and I found letters my mom wrote to my grandma after my grandma passed.  I found it very ironic because I've recently started doing the same.  It's difficult, I'm not gonna lie and pretend everything is sunshine and rainbows all the time, obviously it's not.  It's difficult knowing I lost my one and only mom.  She was it.  My real family.  My best friend.  My everything.  I'm not a loner, duh, but she was it.  We were each others rocks and now, it's just me.  I can't help but angry sometimes because she even got this disease in the first place.  The "why?" question comes up a lot.  I've been through this the past 3 years 3 months and 22 days (before she passed) and I feel like I still have those but there aren't as strong.  I wish she would be here, alive, happy, healthy, next to me.  I wish she would be able to meet my husband (in the future) and my kids (in the future).  I wish she would have been able to walk me down the aisle.  I wish she would have seen me graduate from college (hopefully in 2 yrs.) I wish she were here.  It hits me every now and then that nobody will ever love me the way she did.  I am no longer anybody's daughter.  I'm just a college student.  That's it.  My heart doesn't belong to anybody.

Unfortunately, I keep getting flashbacks of awful moments when I thought I was going to lose her.  Or when people told me to "prepare" myself.  I hated that because they were all wrong. Those losers. They all had her dead months and weeks before. Heck! Even years before and they didn't even know anything.   The only people that had a better idea where the ones at the oncologist's office and they told us in a manner that was way better than the others. The concept that her heart has stopped beating is insane to me.  That her body doesn't even exist, is even crazier to think for me.  (She was cremated).  I haven't been to bed yet and it's 4:18 in the morning on Thanksgiving day.  We used to watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade every Thanksgiving and I'm not sure I can do so this year.  Oh shoot. It's really hitting me.  I guess I'm having a moment right now.

But you know what? She is happy.  She is healthy.  She is alive.  Just in heaven though.  And it's better if you think about it, I mean, there aren't mean people there, there is no bad stuff.  It's perfect.  My mom had completed her mission here on earth and was able to go to heaven and meet God at the Pearly Gates.  I mean, what an honor.  My sweet momma was awesome enough and strong enough and wonderful that she finished her mission here on earth so God took her home.  I'm so lucky to have had her as my mom.  Another thing, she taught me everything she knew.  Part of her mission was raising me.  I'm strong enough that she did everything by the time I was 19.  Heck, most of it was done by the time I was 16.  She was so amazing in the way she raised me that I was already molded into a semi-adult at 16 and now, an adult at 19, so she was able to go home.

I know I'm just rambling but this is what I do to feel better.  I let it all out because it feels good.  I can tell you I'm not going to have nightmares or severe meltdowns today because I've let it out.  For whoever reads this, thank you for reading/listening to my ramblings and thoughts.

For those of you whom this is the first Thanksgiving without a loved one, hang in there.  We can do it.  They would want us to be happy and enjoy today.

With that being said, God bless.



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