Numb.

One year ago today (Sept. 16, 2011) my mom and I were basically told she was dying.  We didn't know how long she had but we realized her time had become increasingly limited.  I won't go into the details of this because I feel writing it will only make certain things worse. Just know that I've already told one person pretty much exactly what happened.  Here's what happened today, 2012.

I went to work at Cracker Barrel and got a good amount of tips which helped me pay for gas and buy college-style groceries and even watch Finding Nemo on 3D, which leads me to my next point.

I remember watching Finding Nemo with my mom and her friend back from middle school in Mexico, I call her my Tia Lety.  Anway, we had gotten to the movie theatre a bit late and the only spots available were a bit scattered.  I sat next to my mom and my Tia Lety sat close-by kind of.  I remember really liking the movie but that's about it.  Today some of us went to watch it in 3D, throughout the movie, I kept getting random flashbacks of my mom and how she did anything and everything in her power to make me happy.  Not spoil me, but make me happy.  She would have swam the ocean if that meant finding me.  I don't know if any of this makes sense but it all just got too overwhelming when the movie finished.

I cannot exactly described what happened except that I was breathing heavily and my hands were tingly and felt kind of like they did when my mom and I were in the hospital when we were given the news.  Everything just gave me a big flashback of everything and it became too much.  We were there with two other people and I just basically needed to get out of the movie theatre.  Mickey was a definite help as I was having an emotional breakdown right outside.  Everything became so numb.  I guess these next 10 days are just another big bulletin board reminding me every second of every day that my mom isn't here anymore and it sucks, you know? I just hit a low today but I know things will get better.  I am my mother's daughter after all.

I remember all the times when I didn't think my mom and I could do it.  That we thought, how is this even possible? And then thinking, myself, once my mom passed how I could even get back to "normal" (whatever that was) again.  And here I am now.  God really does give his toughest battles to his toughest soldiers.  I know I can do this. I know I'm not alone and I know that the worst is behind me.  I know that although a year ago today, my world was changed, that doesn't mean that I won't eventually be okay.  I will be.  I will.  Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow.  But things will get better.  They will.  I just need to leave it up to God and trust in him and everything my mom ever taught me.

So, here I embark on the next 10 days as September 26 comes.  I can do this.  I can.  I'm my mother's daughter.

One more thing, I wanted to say thank you for all of those of you who went that friday, September 16, 2011 to the hospital.  It meant the world to have people there supporting us.  Also, thank you to all of those of you who prayed for us and helped us in any other way.  I thank you from the bottom of my heart.