1 whole year. ♥

To say that it's been a year since my mom passed away feels like a nightmare.  I honestly intended to fall asleep way before right now, almost 4 o'clock in the morning.  I'm proud of how far I've come you know? I've learned to drive on highways, I've flown on my own, I have two jobs and go to school.  I pay my own bills, I do things on my own.  To say it's been a year is an accomplishment for me.  Yet, there is that overwhelming sadness that I feel just thinking that it in fact has been a whole year since my mom passed away.  A whole year.  365 days.  It's been 365 days since I held her hand and hugged her and it's been even longer since I last talked with her and laughed with her.

I still don't understand why she's gone.  I don't understand why she even got the disease in the first place.  Selfishly speaking, I was only 19, I was an only child, I don't really have a dad (biologically speaking, duh but he's not even in the picture), I don't have the whole package you're supposed to have when your mom dies.  You're supposed to be married, have kids, have a career.  She's supposed to be a grandmother, she's supposed to spoil your kids.  Tell you advice on how to raise them and in my case she was going to be there to walk me down the aisle.

I know that once today passes (and the 29th, the day of the viewing), things will kind of go back to normal but for the time being, I guess being a big ball of emotions is understandable.  Wanting to cry and scream is part of the package that comes with the 1 year mark.  I guess I was hoping today wouldn't be such a hard day and that's why I've been trying to avoid thinking about it but truth is, there's no avoiding today.  Ever.

I started getting body aches this past weekend and they've been coming and going.  I took ibuprofen earlier and, if you know me, you know I hate taking meds unless I absolutely need to.  My eyes were tired and felt like I had been crying for days.  I don't know if it's my body realizing it's been a year or what.  They're not allergies because those would be consistent.  All I know is one thing: I'm still alive and that's something.  I had my mom for 19 wonderful years and I'm blessed that I was fortunate enough to be chosen to be her daughter.  No matter how angry I get because older adults have their parents, I must realize that my darling mother was special enough to go to heaven sooner, a VIP I guess you could say.

No, this doesn't mean I hate the world or people whose parents are still alive, on the contrary, I feel happy for them because I know how precious that time is.  This also doesn't mean that I'm depressed and down in the dumps, I mean, I am my mother's daughter, heck, we were born tough! I guess it just means that today will be one of those harder days.  Today, is unfortunately, semi-chaotic as far as school goes but I know just need to focus on being strong and letting God take over.  I need to focus on what I have and who I have as opposed to who I don't have and what I don't have.  Count my blessings.

So here I go about to attempt to go to sleep and wake up in 5 hours to finish stuff.  I will pray my heart out for strength and for my mom to be with me as I face today, especially tonight.

Most importantly, I just wanted to say one last thing:

I love you mommy.