Suffocation, Coincidences, Nostalgia, Future

Okay first of all, I had a sucky night on Tuesday.  I don't know why sometimes those moments just come up and it's like "HELLO AMY, MELTDOWN TIME." I don't know, I'm doing well now but it was tough.  I don't know how to describe it except that it was very suffocating.  Sometimes things in life seem bad but when you miss someone you can no longer see it's very…suffocating.  I'm glad today was a better day.  Speaking of today…

I've noticed several coincidences when it comes to wedding rehearsals and my mom.  So for example, last week, the bride's grandmother's name was Lupita, that was what my mom was called in Mexico, kind of like Maria Guadalupe, which just so happens that's what the bride's mother's name is this week.  THAT WAS MY MOM'S NAME! Another thing, I think this is the biggest one, the priest officiating the wedding is the priest who led the rosary at my mom's viewing, he isn't from my city so it's not even that common!!! I see these coincidences as a little "hey baby" from my mom, so they are nice. (There were more coincidences too).

Another thing.  I miss performing so much.  I miss acting, dancing, singing, and playing the violin for an audience.  I miss long rehearsals, late nights, getting stressed because of a costume change or not having the right hairdo for the routine, or having to drink a whole lot more water because it's humid, or worrying about my violin getting way out of tune because it's humid.  I miss it all.  It's sad.  I know for choir we have a performance coming up next month but still I miss it.  I especially miss being part of musical/play.  I don't think I ever told anyone this, which is kind of dumb because now I am, but I cried at my last performance of Fiddler on the Roof my senior year in high school.  It was my only performance in a musical in high school because orchestra and AP classes had overtaken my life but my senior year I really wanted to be in a musical and made sure I would be.  I cried because it was over and I didn't know how long it would be before I got to experience it all again, unfortunately I still haven't experienced it again.  As far as dancing, oh my.  I haven't performed a routine in front of an audience since the spring of my sophomore year in high school.  I'm a sophomore in college now! I miss it so much.  Playing the violin, oh dear, I miss getting a new piece and trying to sightread it and then trying to practice the super hard parts.

I used to be able to do this.

I don't like this feeling.  I miss performing so much.  I don't see how people do it.  This leads me into something else.  I'm taking Beginning Acting because it's required for my minor in Theatre, which is great but it's also [obviously] needed for those majoring in Theatre.  Which means there are some freakishly talented kids in that class that want to be professional actors or directors. Every single time I go into class I go in thinking, "Okay, I'm good, I got this" and I leave feeling like "Oh my goodness, I suck".  I remember our teacher saying that he would knock us down and then build us up, which reminded me of the Army slogan but I never thought it would be like this.  Don't get me wrong, I look forward to that class the most out of any of my other ones because it's so much fun but it's like I don't feel I'm good at anything anymore.

For example, you'd think that being a Comm Arts-Production major, I would be wonderfully good at those things and be extra excited but I'm not.  I'm good, yeah but not "Wow, this is what you are meant to do".  I try to think if I wasn't a Television Producer, what would I be? And I just don't think there is anything else for me.  I guess a big thing is that right now what I'm learning are kind of like the second stage of basics before it gets super fun, for example, I won't need to know how to write a Press Release or a News Story or anything like that [hopefully] as a Television Producer for let's say, Grey's Anatomy right? Right. I hope it gets better from here on out and that my skills grow, I guess that's why I'm in college.

Choir!!! [Plus I LOVE this movie]

Maybe what I'm going through right now is just self-doubt about the future. Which I believe is perfectly normal, I just wish I were better at what I'm studying [Theatre and Communication Arts-Production].

Well wish me luck guys!

PS I think I already wrote this but I'm looking for another monologue! Whoohoo! Wish me luck in finding the perfect one!